Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Richard Jefferson e-mails it in

With all of the big news last week -- Tom Watson choking, Walter Cronkite dying (R.I.P., good sir) -- you might have missed that NBA star Richard Jefferson called off his wedding with ex-Nets dancer Kesha Ni'Cole Nichols.

The night before the wedding. By e-mail. Really.

In a world exclusive, Sideline Satire has obtained a transcript of the instant message chat that followed. Hurry up and read it, before Erin Andrews' lawyer sues us to get it removed:

JefferDawg24: So, I'm guessing you got the e-mail.

DanceQween13: Uh, ya think? Classy move. OMG, Richie! How could you do this the night before the wedding?

JefferDawg24: You think this is easy for me? I thought choosing between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen on "Idol" would be the toughest decision I'd ever make. This is way tougher, for realz.

DanceQween13: Whatevs, Richie. How am I supposed to tell my parents? And don't say by e-mail.

JefferDawg24: Aw, c'mon.

DanceQween13: Just tell me why, baby.

JefferDawg24: I've just been feeling this distance between us lately.

DanceQween13: Gee, maybe that's because you just got traded to SAN ANTONIO!?!?

JefferDawg24: Hmm, now that you mention it ... no, it's more than that.

DanceQween13: Like what?

JefferDawg24: Well, your middle name.

DanceQween13: What?

JefferDawg24: Who puts an apostrophe in the middle of Nicole? It's weird.

DanceQween13: Richie, please. Can't you at least be honest with me? My heart is breaking.

JefferDawg24: I just don't see this working out. When I was a young Nets star on the verge of an NBA title and you were a Nets dancer, things were great. But now you have your own dance company, and I'm ... still on the verge of my first NBA title. I need to focus on getting a ring.

DanceQween13: Not a wedding ring, obviously. LOL

JefferDawg24: Inappropriate.

DanceQween13: Whatevs. LOL LOL

JefferDawg24: Hey, at least I didn't dump you the day before your b-day, like Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson.

DanceQween13: Even you have more class than that. ROFL

JefferDawg24: LOL

DanceQween13: What are we going to tell everybody?

JefferDawg24: Don't worry, I'm going on Howard Stern tomorrow to explain it.

DanceQween13: And what about all the money for the wedding?

JefferDawg24: Well, $500,000 is a lotta cash, but can't change that now. :(

DanceQween13: Um, remember when I told you about a few extra expenses?

JefferDawg24: Yeah. I'll cover it, don't worry.

DanceQween13: What a relief! There's no way I could cover $2 million.

JefferDawg24: TWO MILLION DOLLARS!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DanceQween13: Well, I could just tell everybody your big "secret."

JefferDawg24: Whoa, whoa. I was just kidding. Of course I'll pay, ha-ha. In fact, how about I give you an extra couple hundred thou or so, to have and to hold for as long as you live?

DanceQween13: I do.

taugusty@detnews.com. Or join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.