Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Summer School for Professional Athletes

Welcome to Summer School for Professional Athletes, ladies and gentlemen. I know you don't want to be here, but remember -- how long this class takes is up to you.

Please take a moment to read the syllabus. You'll notice there are six words on the page: "Shut up and take your medicine."

That is the entire class. All of you are here because you can't seem to learn it.

In the drink

Is Ms. Taurasi here? Diana Taurasi? Ah, there you are ... why the sunglasses? Oh, bad hangover. I see.

Class, Ms. Taurasi here is arguably the WNBA's biggest star, which means she could arguably walk the streets of any major U.S. city and not be recognized.

Still, her recent arrest for drunk driving was a big scandal for the league. It's like if Manny Ramirez got a DUI, if nobody watched baseball, the season lasted three months, and steroids got you drunk.

Wait, Diana -- I'm reading here you took responsibility for the incident, calling it "embarrassing and unfortunate." Is that true? In that case, you've passed this class -- A-plus. Have a nice summer; I know you have a bus to catch.

See how easy that was, class? Can anyone tell me why Diana passed? Anyone?

It's simple: After Ms. Taurasi messed up, she didn't try to get out of it or whine. She ...

1. Shut up;

2. Took her medicine.

I see some of you still are confused. Let's continue. Can I have a volunteer, please?

Method driver

OK, you in the jumpsuit with all the labels on it -- Jeremy Mayfield. You're the driver NASCAR is suing to keep off the track because you tested positive for meth, except you decided to sue to be reinstated instead of ... well, look at your syllabus.

You do know your backup sample tested positive, too?

Mr. Mayfield, NASCAR is afraid you're a danger. They think this isn't an isolated incident. Having interned for a summer with a violent motorcycle gang, I must agree.

You see, Jeremy, meth generally isn't one of those one-time drugs. Meth isn't like that new restaurant you decide to give a shot. It's more like that restaurant you go to over and over until your teeth fall out and you steal your neighbor's ladder for money to buy an appetizer.

And no, losing teeth does not count as getting in touch with the NASCAR fan base. See me after class.

Really? Really?

Any questions so far? Yes, the old man with the Martina Navratilova haircut ... what's your name? Bernie Ecclestone. Ah, you're the Formula One boss who gave props to Hitler in an interview because he was "able to get things done."

Actually, this is the wrong class. You want Remedial Humanity, two doors down.

Class dismissed.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.