Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Brandon Inge is a slugger, I swear!

Researchers at Keel University in England have found evidence swearing makes pain more tolerable, Reuters reported.

The findings are based on a 64-person study in which volunteers were subjected to painful situations such as submerging their hands in ice and watching Brandon Inge in the Home Run Derby.

At the very least, Inge's zero-blast performance Monday makes for a good second-half story line. Some believe success in the Derby negatively affects a player's swing. If that's true, Inge should bat .400 the rest of the way.

Beyond the headline

In which Sideline Satire brings you the real story.

The story: Soccer star David Beckham said he and U.S. star Landon Donovan have ended their feud.

The real story: Two soccer stars had a feud and somehow this is news in America.

The story: An ex-con took quarterback Tom Brady 's metal flower boxes -- valued at $4,000 -- thinking they were trash. The man was panhandling to try to pay Brady back before a Boston businessman stepped in to cover the debt.

The real story: Brady has $4,000 flower boxes. Four grand. For a container you leave outside.

I don't have anything worth $4,000 inside my house. I also have a feeling Brady and the ex-con found out at the same time how much Brady actually paid for a box.

Tour de Pantsless

Talk about pedaling the flesh.

A brothel in Berlin, for reasons unknown except to make my job much easier, is offering discounts to a certain group of patrons.

Customers who show up on bicycles.

"It's good for business, it's good for the environment," said Thomas Goetz , owner of the Maison d'envie brothel.

You would think a pimp would be more inclined to exploit Mother Earth.

In a related story, the Tour de France will now end in Berlin.

Sad truths

Detroit native William Reedy passed away last week at 72. If the name isn't familiar, his unfortunate legacy might be: Reedy was the driver in the 1989 accident that killed former Yankees and Tigers manager Billy Martin .

Reedy was convicted of drunken driving by a New York court, but it was his sentence that caught my eye: a $350 fine and getting his license revoked for six months, according to his New York Times obituary.

It amazes me how lightly he got off for an accident that killed another man. Then I thought about how we as a society take drunken driving much more seriously now.

Then I read about another departure -- Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth leaving a Miami jail after serving 24 days of a 30-day sentence for DUI manslaughter. Then I realized there's no punch line to this story.

Sigh.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.