Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Enough with this Brett Favre drama

The NHL and NBA seasons are over, which means we can turn our full attention to America's favorite pastime -- the Brett Favre Retirement Status Watch.

The latest rumor comes from the blog ProFootballTalk.com. It normally wouldn't attract much attention, but NBC Sports recently purchased PFT, and because NBC is so well known, this somehow makes the blog more credible. Call it Yoko Ono Syndrome.

PFT says Favre already has signed with the Minnesota Vikings, describing its source as "a military officer currently serving in Afghanistan." I am not making this up. I wish I had. And they might be.

Some in the media fault the blog for printing a flimsy story. Sorry, but bloggers are not the problem here.

Brett Favre is.

The only reason the story and its ridiculous source got any notice is the ridiculousness Favre puts us through every year.

He has made a second career out of calling it a career.

Years before he left the Packers, he hinted at retirement every summer. Then he actually retired (for good, he said). Then he came out of retirement. Then the fed-up Packers traded him to the Jets. Then the Jets released him at the end of last season. Then Favre retired again (for good, he said).

Now he might be back. And it makes me want to scream louder than Maria Sharapova on the baseline at Centre Court.

Shut up already

"If Favre wants to stop collecting Social Security and come back to the NFL, why shouldn't he?" you whine. "He obviously can still play the game at a high level."

He can. But stop leading us on. Favre has cultivated this aw-shucks persona, acting like all he needs is a fishing pole and directions to the nearest swamp to be happy.

But an aw-shucks guy doesn't create drama to raise his profile (which reminds me: Visit sidelinesatire.com for my past columns). That's just lame.

Look at it this way: Imagine Megan Fox agrees to see a movie with you next month. Then the next day she says she's not sure. And the next day. And the day after that. Then she goes on Joe Buck's new HBO talk show to say she's "strongly considering" going with you.

After a while, it doesn't matter anymore how hot she is (maybe Megan Fox was a bad example). You'd rather go with Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson to see the new Sandra Bullock movie.

Game situation

Favre's behavior would never fly on the field. Look at what happens to the quarterback who takes too long to make a decision.

In the best-case scenario, he gets drafted third overall out of the University of Oregon by the Lions, who then doggedly stick with him for four seasons.

More often, he gets the bejeezus beaten out of him by the defense.

Hmm ...

Maybe coming out of retirement isn't such a bad idea after all.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.