Sideline Satire

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Richard Jefferson e-mails it in

With all of the big news last week -- Tom Watson choking, Walter Cronkite dying (R.I.P., good sir) -- you might have missed that NBA star Richard Jefferson called off his wedding with ex-Nets dancer Kesha Ni'Cole Nichols.

The night before the wedding. By e-mail. Really.

In a world exclusive, Sideline Satire has obtained a transcript of the instant message chat that followed. Hurry up and read it, before Erin Andrews' lawyer sues us to get it removed:

JefferDawg24: So, I'm guessing you got the e-mail.

DanceQween13: Uh, ya think? Classy move. OMG, Richie! How could you do this the night before the wedding?

JefferDawg24: You think this is easy for me? I thought choosing between Adam Lambert and Kris Allen on "Idol" would be the toughest decision I'd ever make. This is way tougher, for realz.

DanceQween13: Whatevs, Richie. How am I supposed to tell my parents? And don't say by e-mail.

JefferDawg24: Aw, c'mon.

DanceQween13: Just tell me why, baby.

JefferDawg24: I've just been feeling this distance between us lately.

DanceQween13: Gee, maybe that's because you just got traded to SAN ANTONIO!?!?

JefferDawg24: Hmm, now that you mention it ... no, it's more than that.

DanceQween13: Like what?

JefferDawg24: Well, your middle name.

DanceQween13: What?

JefferDawg24: Who puts an apostrophe in the middle of Nicole? It's weird.

DanceQween13: Richie, please. Can't you at least be honest with me? My heart is breaking.

JefferDawg24: I just don't see this working out. When I was a young Nets star on the verge of an NBA title and you were a Nets dancer, things were great. But now you have your own dance company, and I'm ... still on the verge of my first NBA title. I need to focus on getting a ring.

DanceQween13: Not a wedding ring, obviously. LOL

JefferDawg24: Inappropriate.

DanceQween13: Whatevs. LOL LOL

JefferDawg24: Hey, at least I didn't dump you the day before your b-day, like Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson.

DanceQween13: Even you have more class than that. ROFL

JefferDawg24: LOL

DanceQween13: What are we going to tell everybody?

JefferDawg24: Don't worry, I'm going on Howard Stern tomorrow to explain it.

DanceQween13: And what about all the money for the wedding?

JefferDawg24: Well, $500,000 is a lotta cash, but can't change that now. :(

DanceQween13: Um, remember when I told you about a few extra expenses?

JefferDawg24: Yeah. I'll cover it, don't worry.

DanceQween13: What a relief! There's no way I could cover $2 million.

JefferDawg24: TWO MILLION DOLLARS!?!?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DanceQween13: Well, I could just tell everybody your big "secret."

JefferDawg24: Whoa, whoa. I was just kidding. Of course I'll pay, ha-ha. In fact, how about I give you an extra couple hundred thou or so, to have and to hold for as long as you live?

DanceQween13: I do.

taugusty@detnews.com. Or join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.

Category: Sideline Satire

Tony Romo will -- and does -- endorse everything

Strangely, Romo doesn't mention how he dropped his endorsement of Jessica Simpson.

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Brandon Inge is a slugger, I swear!

Researchers at Keel University in England have found evidence swearing makes pain more tolerable, Reuters reported.

The findings are based on a 64-person study in which volunteers were subjected to painful situations such as submerging their hands in ice and watching Brandon Inge in the Home Run Derby.

At the very least, Inge's zero-blast performance Monday makes for a good second-half story line. Some believe success in the Derby negatively affects a player's swing. If that's true, Inge should bat .400 the rest of the way.

Beyond the headline

In which Sideline Satire brings you the real story.

The story: Soccer star David Beckham said he and U.S. star Landon Donovan have ended their feud.

The real story: Two soccer stars had a feud and somehow this is news in America.

The story: An ex-con took quarterback Tom Brady 's metal flower boxes -- valued at $4,000 -- thinking they were trash. The man was panhandling to try to pay Brady back before a Boston businessman stepped in to cover the debt.

The real story: Brady has $4,000 flower boxes. Four grand. For a container you leave outside.

I don't have anything worth $4,000 inside my house. I also have a feeling Brady and the ex-con found out at the same time how much Brady actually paid for a box.

Tour de Pantsless

Talk about pedaling the flesh.

A brothel in Berlin, for reasons unknown except to make my job much easier, is offering discounts to a certain group of patrons.

Customers who show up on bicycles.

"It's good for business, it's good for the environment," said Thomas Goetz , owner of the Maison d'envie brothel.

You would think a pimp would be more inclined to exploit Mother Earth.

In a related story, the Tour de France will now end in Berlin.

Sad truths

Detroit native William Reedy passed away last week at 72. If the name isn't familiar, his unfortunate legacy might be: Reedy was the driver in the 1989 accident that killed former Yankees and Tigers manager Billy Martin .

Reedy was convicted of drunken driving by a New York court, but it was his sentence that caught my eye: a $350 fine and getting his license revoked for six months, according to his New York Times obituary.

It amazes me how lightly he got off for an accident that killed another man. Then I thought about how we as a society take drunken driving much more seriously now.

Then I read about another departure -- Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte Stallworth leaving a Miami jail after serving 24 days of a 30-day sentence for DUI manslaughter. Then I realized there's no punch line to this story.

Sigh.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Summer School for Professional Athletes

Welcome to Summer School for Professional Athletes, ladies and gentlemen. I know you don't want to be here, but remember -- how long this class takes is up to you.

Please take a moment to read the syllabus. You'll notice there are six words on the page: "Shut up and take your medicine."

That is the entire class. All of you are here because you can't seem to learn it.

In the drink

Is Ms. Taurasi here? Diana Taurasi? Ah, there you are ... why the sunglasses? Oh, bad hangover. I see.

Class, Ms. Taurasi here is arguably the WNBA's biggest star, which means she could arguably walk the streets of any major U.S. city and not be recognized.

Still, her recent arrest for drunk driving was a big scandal for the league. It's like if Manny Ramirez got a DUI, if nobody watched baseball, the season lasted three months, and steroids got you drunk.

Wait, Diana -- I'm reading here you took responsibility for the incident, calling it "embarrassing and unfortunate." Is that true? In that case, you've passed this class -- A-plus. Have a nice summer; I know you have a bus to catch.

See how easy that was, class? Can anyone tell me why Diana passed? Anyone?

It's simple: After Ms. Taurasi messed up, she didn't try to get out of it or whine. She ...

1. Shut up;

2. Took her medicine.

I see some of you still are confused. Let's continue. Can I have a volunteer, please?

Method driver

OK, you in the jumpsuit with all the labels on it -- Jeremy Mayfield. You're the driver NASCAR is suing to keep off the track because you tested positive for meth, except you decided to sue to be reinstated instead of ... well, look at your syllabus.

You do know your backup sample tested positive, too?

Mr. Mayfield, NASCAR is afraid you're a danger. They think this isn't an isolated incident. Having interned for a summer with a violent motorcycle gang, I must agree.

You see, Jeremy, meth generally isn't one of those one-time drugs. Meth isn't like that new restaurant you decide to give a shot. It's more like that restaurant you go to over and over until your teeth fall out and you steal your neighbor's ladder for money to buy an appetizer.

And no, losing teeth does not count as getting in touch with the NASCAR fan base. See me after class.

Really? Really?

Any questions so far? Yes, the old man with the Martina Navratilova haircut ... what's your name? Bernie Ecclestone. Ah, you're the Formula One boss who gave props to Hitler in an interview because he was "able to get things done."

Actually, this is the wrong class. You want Remedial Humanity, two doors down.

Class dismissed.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.

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Category: Sideline Satire

Column: The sad, tragic life of Yao Ming's left foot

Just got back from a vacation hiking the Appalachian Trail, by which I mean flying to Argentina, and I was saddened to hear about the tremendous loss suffered in the entertainment world.

I, of course, am referring to Yao Ming's left foot.

The superstar foot of the star center of the Houston Rockets broke again during the playoffs. It hasn't responded to treatment. Its career might be dead.

What infuriates me is the media's hypocritical coverage of Yao's foot.

Footloose ascent

Born in the Garyindiana neighborhood of Shanghai, China, Yao's humble beginnings instilled a strong work ethic in his left foot from a young age. Most of its childhood was spent touring the country as the Yao Ming Five; the group dissolved after the pinkie toe left to pursue a solo career.

Then in 2002, Yao's left foot burst onto the world scene, and the media couldn't get enough. They raved about its electrifying pivots, how it lifted Yao into another orbit on slam dunks. Shoe companies fought to sign the foot to a shoe deal, leading to the infamous 2004 Reebok commercial in which the left foot's shoelaces caught fire during filming.

Stumbling downward

As the seasons passed, the surgeries stacked up. The foot took on a strange appearance and began wearing bizarre socks all the time. There was the trip to rehab for Icy Hot addiction, the sleepovers with Webster and Macaulay Culkin. The whispers began.

The media turned vicious, nicknaming Yao's foot "Wacko Walko." Paparazzi made it impossible to visit the local Foot Locker. Then came allegations (unproven) of footsie with minors at its palatial ottoman outside Los Angeles.

Yao's left foot became a punch line.

And now, when that same foot's days appear numbered, these same media phonies are praising it on TV, talking about what a tragedy this is, referring to its legacy. They offer fake condolences to the Rockets, who reached the dizzying heights of the second round of the NBA playoffs when Yao's foot was healthy.

The media lay the blame at the feet of the foot's hangers-on -- the shady bunion doctors, the synthetic-fiber socks that slowly wicked away all the moisture and left Yao's foot high and dry.

But the media are just as guilty. So are we all.

Requiem for a foot

Yao's left foot wanted love and acceptance. But happiness and greatness rarely occupy the same shoebox.

Poor foot. You seemed off the wall at first -- that's how revolutionary you were. At your best, you thrilled us. Even your bad was better than your contemporaries' best -- dangerously so.

That's why I choose to look back on your history and remember the good times. In the end, you were not invincible. You didn't have to be.

Footrest in peace.

Billy Mays, we hardly knew ye

Here's one of my favorite Billy Mays commercials. I'm tipping out a 40-ounce of OxiClean for ya, homey:

Category: Sideline Satire

Column: Enough with this Brett Favre drama

The NHL and NBA seasons are over, which means we can turn our full attention to America's favorite pastime -- the Brett Favre Retirement Status Watch.

The latest rumor comes from the blog ProFootballTalk.com. It normally wouldn't attract much attention, but NBC Sports recently purchased PFT, and because NBC is so well known, this somehow makes the blog more credible. Call it Yoko Ono Syndrome.

PFT says Favre already has signed with the Minnesota Vikings, describing its source as "a military officer currently serving in Afghanistan." I am not making this up. I wish I had. And they might be.

Some in the media fault the blog for printing a flimsy story. Sorry, but bloggers are not the problem here.

Brett Favre is.

The only reason the story and its ridiculous source got any notice is the ridiculousness Favre puts us through every year.

He has made a second career out of calling it a career.

Years before he left the Packers, he hinted at retirement every summer. Then he actually retired (for good, he said). Then he came out of retirement. Then the fed-up Packers traded him to the Jets. Then the Jets released him at the end of last season. Then Favre retired again (for good, he said).

Now he might be back. And it makes me want to scream louder than Maria Sharapova on the baseline at Centre Court.

Shut up already

"If Favre wants to stop collecting Social Security and come back to the NFL, why shouldn't he?" you whine. "He obviously can still play the game at a high level."

He can. But stop leading us on. Favre has cultivated this aw-shucks persona, acting like all he needs is a fishing pole and directions to the nearest swamp to be happy.

But an aw-shucks guy doesn't create drama to raise his profile (which reminds me: Visit sidelinesatire.com for my past columns). That's just lame.

Look at it this way: Imagine Megan Fox agrees to see a movie with you next month. Then the next day she says she's not sure. And the next day. And the day after that. Then she goes on Joe Buck's new HBO talk show to say she's "strongly considering" going with you.

After a while, it doesn't matter anymore how hot she is (maybe Megan Fox was a bad example). You'd rather go with Gus Frerotte and Tarvaris Jackson to see the new Sandra Bullock movie.

Game situation

Favre's behavior would never fly on the field. Look at what happens to the quarterback who takes too long to make a decision.

In the best-case scenario, he gets drafted third overall out of the University of Oregon by the Lions, who then doggedly stick with him for four seasons.

More often, he gets the bejeezus beaten out of him by the defense.

Hmm ...

Maybe coming out of retirement isn't such a bad idea after all.

taugusty@detnews.com. Join the Sideline Satire fan page on Facebook.

Category: Sideline Satire

Middle-school kid makes amazing basketball shot

Aaron Shutway, a Cleveland-area middle-schooler, made this amazing shot -- after about 30 tries:

Category: Sideline Satire

John Tesh on how he came up with the NBA theme song

No, this isn't a video of John Tesh signing a deal with the devil. Who knew an answering machine was the key to writing new-age drivel?

Category: Sideline Satire

Amazing bat trick by Josh Womack

This video has circulated on the web in recent days, and there's still debate over whether it's real, but I'm convinced. Watch below as minor-leaguer Josh Womack performs the coolest bat trick I've ever seen: