Whaddaya lookin' at me for?
I appreciate your stopping by, but right this second you're in the wrong place. You should be reading my colleague Adam Graham's list of the 10 worst arena, stadium and amphitheater names in America.
G'wan. Get out of here. But please do drop in again sometime.
Low-down back-shooting dog
The headline says it all. A Labrador retriever in Los Banos, Calif., stepped on her owner's shotgun Saturday, dislodging the safety and prompting the weapon to cut loose with No. 2 shot.
The victim, 53, was hit in the upper left back. He had laid the shotgun down so he could go retrieve some duck decoys, a job apparently not in the job description of the dog.
As numerous hunters were quick to point out, the victim needs to take a refresher course in gun safety.
As for the dog, she needs to watch where she's going. And it might not hurt to find a smarter owner.
Miss Michigan ... Isn't she the girl from Toledo?
Along with more than 300 million of my fellow citizens, I didn't watch the Miss America pageant Saturday night, but I did catch the first few minutes on a rebroadcast.
The 53 contestants -- Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands and Washington, D.C., also sent distinguished emissaries -- began the evening by introducing themselves with a few lines of snappy patter about their home states or districts or territories or protectorates or principalities or whatever the heck the U.S. Virgin Islands are.
I had the strong sense that the snappy patter came from screenwriters rather than contestants, and that the screenwriters don't leave the coasts very often.
Miss Michigan, Nicole Blaszczyk of Novi, said something about Michigan being the home of Kellogg's, then added something about how she hoped everyone had eaten their Wheaties.
Maybe her options were limited. I mean, she couldn't very well say, "The state with the highest unemployment rate and houses you can buy for a dollar." But shouldn't somebody have told the snappy-patter-writers that Wheaties are made by a little company in Minnesota called General Mills?
Donnie Simpson is signing off
If that headline means something to you, read on. Me, I'd never heard of the guy, though he's been a very big kahuna in Washington, D.C., radio since pretty much the dawn of time.
Since he got his start here on WJLB-FM (97.9) when he was only 15, I figured I should alert the populace, despite my own high level of ignorance.
For more on Simpson's falling out with a radio station I've also never heard of, this would be the place to click.
Leno and O'Brien: Low ratings, high road
It says a lot about Jay Leno that he was willing to pose for an Entertainment Weekly cover story about "TV's 50 Biggest Bombs Ever!"
It says a lot about Conan O'Brien, meanwhile, that when he made jokes on the air about his employment situation with NBC, he was never petulant and almost always funny.
As for NBC, I stand by my position in today's column that the Peacock is dumber than a turkey.
Now you can get Smart, cheap
Reading the tea leaves on this one wasn't much tougher than reading Dr. Seuss, but yes -- as I predicted (and wrote about last week from the auto show), Smart is now offering leases.
The base-level Pure model of the tiny Smart fortwo, which starts at $11,990, will lease for $169 a month. The better-dressed Passion will go for $189, while the convertible Passion Cabriolet will run $249. All figures are for 36-month leases at 10,000 miles per year, with $999 down.
I have a soft spot for the Smart that endures despite its quirky transmission, relatively modest fuel economy for an 8-foot, 10-inch, 3-cylinder vehicle (33/41), thirst for premium gasoline and jarring ride on rough pavement. For all of that, it's fun to drive, a huge attention-getter, and so cute you want to pinch its cheek.
You can make a case that it's impractical, but a Smart owner I know contends that it's exactly the opposite: If a car meets his needs 90 percent of the time, which the Smart does, he says it is practical.
For a contrary view, I'm passing along some comments from my friend Bob. He works for Ford and readily concedes his bias. But it's hard to argue with his logic -- not that logic has much to do with purchasing a Smart in any city less congested than, say, Rome.
"I just don't get that car," Bob says. "While the media gush over its cuteness and size, the usually-overlooked story is that its mileage doesn't seem worth the sacrifice.
"The EPA says the Smart gets 33 mpg city, 41 highway -- not that spectacular for what amounts to dicing it up on I-75, I-696 or I-94 in a mobile phone booth.
"Meanwhile, a mid-sized car like the Ford Fusion Hybrid gets 41 city/36 highway. OK, the Fusion Hybrid costs a lot more, but which would you rather drive? Or drive on the freeway? Or use to haul groceries and kids to school? Oh, wait - no room in the Smart for more than two so skip the car pool duties (or going anywhere with a third adult or another couple).
"A comparably-priced car to the Smart but with oodles more room and features might be the new Fiesta, with a projected mileage of 30 city/40 highway. Again, which would you rather drive on a daily basis?
"Admittedly, I'm a Ford guy but check the mileage figures -- several cars have mileage that's roughly equal to or better than the Smart and offer a lot more room with a lot less hassle."
He makes valid points ... but as fine a vehicle as the Fusion is, have you ever wanted to pinch one on the cheek?
Robert B. Parker: I even read the sloppy stuff
Erich Segal will get the big headline, and that's fine. The first of his two novels, "Love Story," was a book and movie phenomenon with a key line that's still quoted -- and mimicked -- decades after he wrote it.
If "Love means never having to say you're sorry," though, maybe appreciating an author means I don't have to apologize for this:
I'll miss Robert B. Parker far more than Segal.
The announcements of their deaths seemed to come simultaneously: Parker unexpectedly Monday, at 77, and Segal Sunday at 72 after an unfortunate 25-year struggle with Parkinson's Disease. Both, oddly, were Ph.D's from East Coast universities who became popular novelists, though Segal burrowed comfortably in academia with only a few efforts at fiction after his sequel, "Oliver's Story."
While Segal was intentionally maudlin, Parker deliberately harkened to the hard-boiled private eyes created by Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett.
He was absurdly prolific, with more than 60 novels to his credit since he introduced the iconic Boston P.I. known as Spenser in 1973.
If you're looking to get a foothold in his work, try the early Spenser novels; the most recent ones frequently seemed padded and repetitive. Or sample a Western, like "Appaloosa," or the Jesse Stone series about an L.A. cop resurrecting himself in a small town.
Another series, about a female private eye named Sunny Randall, was begun at the request of actress Helen Hunt. It doesn't measure up to his other work, but I've read most of the Randall books anyway because, well, Parker wrote them, and he was my guy.
A Chinese sedan, crashing headlong into reality
Somehow, a spectacular crash test failure seems more glamorous in French. European results like this one -- at 40 mph, on a car known as a Brilliance -- are scattered across the Internet, and have not exactly been a public relations triumph for the Chinese auto industry.
A few other cars in subsequent videos have fared better, but those tests are outnumbered by the ones where the car vaporizes, and let's face it -- the failures are a lot more fun to watch.
China's BYD still a long way from U.S. showrooms
As noted by my wise and talented colleague Christine Tierney -- ask her sometime how many languages she speaks -- China's BYD Auto said at the car show that it hopes to have a vehicle for sale in the U.S. by the end of 2010.
Joe Tori, my loafers-on-the-ground expert on the Chinese auto industry, strongly doubts that will happen.
I couldn't fit this into today's column about contamination, patent piracy and some of those other endearing hallmarks of Chinese industry, but Tori had a chat with some of the BYD folks after their press conference at Cobo Center.
Their electric car "hasn't launched yet in China. There's still engineering work to be done," Tori says.
He figures two years for that plus a year to pass U.S. safety and emissions tests, which does not put BYD here PDQ. Tori's best guess is 2013 at the earliest.
Bottoming out in the Cobo basement
The lower level at Cobo Center -- the kiddie table of the auto show -- is even more bleak than usual.
In the past, it's at least been a launching pad. Kia is among the carmakers who've worked their way up from the bottom, and this year, Michelin did the same.
Meanwhile, back down in the basement, most of the space has been given over to the EcoXperience, an indoor track offering slow-speed rides in assorted plug-in, fuel cell and gas-powered vehicles. Venting the exhaust fumes requires two outside doors to be open, creating a useful draft but also rendering the space as chilly as it is lonely.
A handful of exhibitors line one wall -- auto suppliers, Michigan Tech and the University of Michigan College of Engineering, something called Tardec.
At the far end DTE Energy has a booth, in order to "support the full-scale deployment of plug-in electric vehicles." In related news, Anheuser-Busch advocates drinking more beer.
Two more booths on the other side of the test track sit next to a food court where a place called Southwestern Sizzler sells a pre-made Italian hoagie for $6. Maybe it's from southwestern Italy. Fan Fare and the Gourmet Grill offer the identical sandwich at the same price, though at least you can't find it at Japanese Sushi.
I asked a woman in one of the small booths if she was lonely. "No," she said, "I'm cold."
