Category: Potty Training
Posted by Kelly Bristow on Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:26 AM10 things I've learned about potty training
Potty training is one of those things people routinely lie about. I don't have absolute proof of that, but I just know it to be true down to my bones. No one really talks about the nuts and bolts of potty training.
So I feel the need to present the seedy side of toilet training. Your results may vary, but I believe these to be somewhat universal truths.
1. Potty training sucks it like no one's business: It ain't cool, it's not fun and it sure isn't easy. I don't believe for one minute the parent who says -- chuckling in disbelief and his or her own good fortune -- "Jimmy potty trained himself at 18 months." Go on people, throw it at me. You can leave 300 comments trying to convince me potty training was a breeze and your kid figured it out the second time you two walked into the bathroom.
Just to clarify, my definition of a successfully potty trained child is that the kid wears underwear during every waking moment and announces to the parent, "Hey dude, I need to go to the bathroom. Care to join me?" It is not the parent who runs the kid to the bathroom every 15 minutes and sets him or her on the can catching the child's urge to go. It is not setting a portable potty seat in the living room and asking the kid to try it out every 15 minutes. That is not potty trained, buddy.
2. The parent and kid have to be ready to deal with potty training: If Momma ain't ready, ain't nobody ready. Whoever is manning the show has to be willing to deal with the process. Diapers and Pull-Ups are convenient, but eventually changing diapers will get old - that is when Mom or Dad is ready to give it a go. Occasionally the kid will be ready before the parent and that's the optimal scenario. It never went that way for me.
3. It's really hard to explain the concept of a full bladder or bowels to a small child: A small child's vocabulary is limited and at times it's sort of like trying to explain quantum physics to a lady bug. You need a highly evolved lady bug to have immediate success. Yes, you run into a few lady bugs who were born with a diploma in their hands but usually that's not the case.
4. Potty training is a four-step process: You have to tackle urinating, bowel movements, staying dry during naps and staying dry overnight. If you've never worked with a small child let me tell you it always, always goes in stages like that. Again, there are a few exceptions to the rule, but for me the rule continued to hold true every time. P.S. Trying to get a kid to stay dry during naps and all night long is a real, um, challenge.
5. The standard toilet is pretty high off the ground for a small child: Some kids will find a footstool helpful. Other kids will insist on balancing precariously on the edge of the seat. It's just a factor in the entire equation.
6. Having a new baby in the house will definitely jack up potty training mojo and cause regression in the older kid: That sucks. Enough said.
7. Catching bowel movements is really difficult: Unless you're willing to deal with a packer, you might have to turn to the diaper/Pull-Ip for a while. You might think that a look of serious concentration and a slightly red face would clue you into the happenings of the kid's bowels. That is true unless your kid's diet is high in fiber. Then very little concentration is necessary and the package is like a gift from Santa. It just appears like magic.
If you can catch your kid in the act, running him or her to the toilet will inspire great fear in said child. Clenching of teeth and other body parts will ensue and the experience will become one of dread. I have found time and small rewards to be helpful. We used Starburst candy as an incentive. Yes, we'll probably pay for that with the dentist later, but I find nothing wrong with robbing Peter to pay Paul right now.
8. Skid marks are inevitable: Where there are skid marks, an intense laundry experience is sure to follow. Scrubbing with Fels-Naptha bar soap, soaking underwear in Biz Stain Fighter and following up with Spray 'n Wash Stain Remover is a pretty good defense when it comes to skid marks. But nothing is perfect, folks.
9. Hearing your kid say, "I gotta go poop," will inspire a near panic attack: I speak from experience when I say those four words will make life feel like the earth has stop rotating on its axis. Also, that statement is usually uttered while the child is strapped in a five-point harness car seat in a minivan cruising at 80 mph on the freeway. Good luck with all of that. You may find it helpful to refer back to No. 8.
10. If your kid doesn't catch on until she's 3 1/2, that's cool: Really, this dog and pony show is run by the child. When your kid is ready, your kid is ready.
If you want to attempt to roll Jell-O up hill, have at it. I guess that's what Xanax is for.
