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After Cancer
Hi Jodi,
I think that everyone copes with their diagnosis differently, but I do believe that every survivor's psyche changes, inevitably, after they've gone through such an emotional and physical process. I am a much better person for having gone through the fight of my life - but I will never say that cancer was a gift. Cancer has changed my perspective and has helped give me clarity, a better focus on what really matters in life.
I was 38 years old when I was diagnosed, and I still felt too young to have cancer. I was Stage 2b, with cancer having also traveled into at least 2 of my lymph nodes. Pretty scary, to say the least, but still beatable. I had to undergo chemotherapy, two separate mastectomies, radiation, and breast reconstruction.
It is all a blur to me now. All I know is that to deal with this diagnosis, I had to think of my children and knew I had to fight with everything I had to stay alive for them. But, I also realized (being the eternal pessimist - or realist?) that cancer will do what it wants to do sometimes, no matter what you throw at it. So... I'm living life now just knowing that I did everything I could to kill this disease. I have to accept that whatever happens in the future is going to be alright. I always get antsy before another check-up. To be honest, I always turn into a raving b*tch whenever that time comes around.
The only method I've found to help me cope with that voice that's always there in the back of my head reminding me that I have/had cancer...is to convince myself that I put on my boxing gloves and fought with every fiber of muscle that I had within me to beat this monster. I did it for my children, for my husband, for my parents, for my friends, for myself. And I can live with that.
Implants
My surgeon suggested the silicone (Gummy Bear/Teardrop shaped) implants and I trusted his judgment since he was one of the surgeons who worked on the first human face transplant here at the Cleveland Clinic. His explanation was that the other forms were less natural in feel and to the touch. Yes, there is a risk that these implants could turn, resulting in additional surgeries, but if your surgeon is skilled - there is a very low chance that this will occur.
Silicone is what is being used now. My husband's best friend is a plastic surgeon and we asked his opinion. He gave us his "personal" opinion and said that if his daughter were to have to make this choice, he would hope that she chose the silicone implants.
My surgery has been complete for over two months and I still do not think they feel "natural." But according to others, they're the best from all the choices out there.
The reality is... and I hope this doesn't sound too dour... but our breasts will never look or feel the same again. I had been in a state of denial with regard to how I thought the whole reconstruction process would turn out. The fact is, my breasts are still hard and unnatural - but they're the best I could get with what options I was given. One important note: I might also be a different case from yours, since I had a modified radical mastectomy and then had radiation prior to having an expander put in. So... my skin is still very irritated and tight. Who knows... you might be very satisfied with yours afterwards.
I hope you don't have a difficult time with this decision. The fact is, we are survivors and these are "just breasts" - right? Sometimes I have to convince myself that this is something so trivial compared to what could have happened. We should be thankful for the fact that we're alive and able to ponder and wonder and worry about which expanders to choose! =)
Good luck Jodi! *Your friend from the 3-Day... Kelly
Expanders
Glad to hear things are going well and you're successfully getting your skin expansion. My expansion was just recently completed and my silicone replacements were put in at the end of May. Have you thought about which implants you are getting? There have been vast improvements with silicone, which I'm sure you already know. Things are so far so good. Like you said, I too am so happy with my decision to do the reconstruction. I was so tired of the mastectomy bras and prosthesis.
I have just been skimming through some of your latest postings. All your reactions and emotions that you're having now - after cancer treatment - is perfectly normal. We all have the same worries and fears that pop up from time to time and yes, it's our new normal. It does dissipate with time.
Have a happy and busy summer! Good luck with the rest of your expansions and... don't rush it.
Good for you!
Jodi - Keep up the great attitude! Love your outlook despite cancer. Yes, there will always be that pink elephant in the room... but each day it gets smaller and smaller. Take care and happy new year!
Time heals everything
Jodie -
Ask someone else who hasn't been in your shoes to look at their own mortality square in the eye with a diagnosis like the ones we received. It's not possible for any person to go through cancer treatment (chemo, hair loss, surgery, radiation, fatigue, weight gain, fear, bone pain, nerve pain, nausea, night sweats, loss of sex drive, losing friends to this disease along the way, seeing how others look at you with pity, worrying about dying before your time, being a burden to loved ones, health care costs, future recurrences - and the list goes on.). I'm so accustomed to worry now that I just wake up in the morning and automatically go into "panic mode" even when I'm not thinking about my cancer.
It's hard for any of us to forget about what we've just had to endure within the last year or more. No one deserves a life like this. A positive thing we do have to look forward to is the healing effects of TIME. Time will soon begin to help relax and ease the fears which I'm sure are still raw for you. Since we are "new" to the survivor world, we can look forward to time erasing our worries little by little.
Jodie - you are right to acknowledge the fact that you are human. No one in our situation should be expected to put on a happy face day in and day out. Don't fear that others might think you're weak because you get emotional. They can't expect you to just get on with life. It's not that easy.
I have been anxiously waiting to hear about your test results and will be looking for good news. I believe you're going to be just fine. I also know you'll begin to heal from the emotions you're feeling - just be patient. And Jodie, don't worry, you're not the only patient who's been driving their oncologist crazy! My oncologist has a heart of gold. I know this because he's been putting up with me and my constant questioning, second-guessing, "what-iffing" and begging to get into the latest and greatest trials. I'm surprised he hasn't booted me out of his office and into a psych ward yet!
Everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. It will get better. Especially once the holidays are over.
Take care Jodie. Let us know how your tests went. I know they're going to be clear = )
Kelly
The Ups and Downs of Cancer
Hey Jodie -
I know how you feel about getting pessimistic at times. This whole cancer experience has been an up and down roller coaster for me as well. I am home from yet another surgery (left side expander put in). I am in a lot of pain and starting to wonder when I'll ever return to my normal self again. I'll gladly give you my prosthesis if you want it! It's a Size B. But seriously, I got it at a really nice boutique in Livonia. Can't recall the name of it right now. It was very discreet. The women were all very professional and very comforting. They brought you into a private room to be fitted. The whole store was devoted solely to breast cancer survivors. If I remember the name of this place, I'll email it to you.
I have a positive thing to say about triple negative breast cancers... and that is that if it doesn't return after five years more than likely you can consider yourself free and clear. I read that in a medical magazine. I think I have to wait 10 years before I can start considering myself cancer free.
There is a terrific blog site I've been visiting and am a member of. Visit: Blogforacure.com. It's a supportive site for anyone going through cancer. Everyone on this site knows exactly how you're feeling because they've all been there. We are all survivors helping each other. It's been very therapeutic for me. Although, it's sometimes sad since others are in a much more desperate situation than me.
Your latest post was hilarious, I have to say, I've been there and done that! I forgot my prosthesis and went outside and sat and talked with a neighbor for about fifteen minutes before looking down and realizing that I was completely lop-sided. I had to laugh at the whole situation. I can't imagine what my neighbor was thinking... "should I tell her or should I just pretend I don't notice?" I guess they chose the latter! It was so obvious that there was no way they couldn't have noticed. Oh well. Stuff happens.
You're such a positive role model to so many people reading your blog. Keep it up! Take care Jodie.
P.S. OMG... The picture you posted of the two of us is too funny. You look beautiful, but I look like I just woke up! LOL
Great seeing you at the 3-Day
Hi Jodie -
I was so happy I got to meet you at the 3-Day. It was an awesome weekend, wasn't it? What a coincidence that our tents were so close to each others? I am still nursing my feet back to being blister-free. Despite the blisters the experience of walking the 3-Day was well worth it. I can't get over all the support from the people in all the towns we walked through, from the crew and staff, and from my own team mates. I now realize why it's important to walk the 3-Day with a team. If I didn't have them watching out for me, I don't know what I would've done! I'm thinking about crewing for next year's event. But, I've got some time to decide on that.
I hope your grandfather is okay. Take care!
Kelly
I'll be there too!
Jodi -
As a first time walker I'm very excited, yet anxious. I keep wondering "What have I gotten myself into?" now that the day is finally here. I have heard wonderful stories from past walkers who came back inspired and motivated to do more for breast cancer and to keep walking. Last year, I was a brand new survivor looking at the walkers and cheering them on from the sidelines. This year I'm a part of it. I'm proud to say that I'm committed to the 3-Day and feel like it's my turn to give back.
If you get a chance, stop by our tent - it's I24. My name is Kelly. Take care and good luck at the 3-Day! You'll do just fine.
Good for you!
Jodi - I'm happy to hear you are making a speedy recovery and not letting a big surgery like you had get in your way. I hope your fifteen mile walk wasn't too grueling. We walked 18 miles yesterday and I had a blister beforehand. I bled through my sock and down my brand new shoes by the time the walk was 1/2 way through. But, I kept walking. I had to tell myself, I've dealt with much worse than a silly blister! I need to purchase some good mole skin and maybe some better socks! I'm getting really excited for the 3-Day. It's going to be so uplifting and emotional after all we've been through. I said on one of my blogs that the money I've raised is probably just a "drop in the bucket" compared to what the Breast Cancer 3-Day and Susan Komen Foundation generate, but it's "my" drop in the bucket and I'd like to think that it will go towards making a difference in someone's life. Keep walking. Walk for those who can't. Stay strong Jodi. You're doing terrific!
Breast Reconstruction...Bumps Along the Way
Hi Jodi -
I feel for everything you're going through right now. I'm sorry about your skin. Ouch. I hurt just thinking about it. Don't get discouraged Jodi. Let me just say that I've been "lop-sided" for quite some time. I had a modified radical mastectomy June 29th, 2007. I chose to delay my reconstruction until after I had radiation. Because of the radiation I received, the plastic surgeon suggested I wait at least 6 months before getting an expander on the left side. I've since had a prophylactic mastectomy on my right breast and have had it expanded. I'm just waiting for the right time to get things back to a more "balanced" state, let's just say. I'm growing less and less patient by the day. Sometimes,I hate to say this, but my mindset sort of goes into whiner mode: "It's not fair" I think. "Why am I the only one in the world who has to deal with worrying about putting on a prosthesis before going out to get the mail?" Then I think about a friend of mine who is far worse off than me. I catch myself from getting too bummed out. Because, so far I am "cancer free." And she is probably not going to be on this earth much longer.
At times I get discouraged, especially when I'm taking my daughters to the pool and don't have the nerve to go swimming with them because I just haven't found a very flattering mastectomy bathing suit yet! At times I look in the mirror and can't believe what I've been through. Other times, I'm only numb when I catch sight of my disfigured body in the mirror.
Through this whole process of being diagnosed with cancer and going through the emotional trauma, the highs and lows - yes, there are good things that have come out of this - I've found that there is no smooth transition from one treatment to another. The road to recovery and healing from cancer is a test of our strength and our determination and our will to live. It's how we thrive and cope after a diagnosis like this that shows how strong we really are. There have been many bumps along the way. Don't be surprised one day if you catch yourself "forgetting" you had cancer. You'll get there. You just have to get through this rough patch first. But you're well on your way Jodi. Keep it up. You are a true survivor.
Breast Cancer 3-Day
Jodie -
I am so happy to read you are training for the 3-day. Maybe we'll meet during this event. I am training with some women here in Cleveland, but walking in Detroit since that is where I grew up and where my whole family lives. I can't wait for this event. I've heard it is so inspiring and really unforgettable. I've reached my fundraising goal already, but plan on making as much as I can to put towards finding a cure and raising awareness. It's so important. Congratulations for deciding to sign up! You'll also start to feel wonderful getting in shape after all the grueling surgeries, chemo and radiation. Keep it up!
Cancer is an Incredible Journey
Jodi - Beating cancer and going through what we've been through is an amazing journey. We discover after looking back on all that we endured that we are stronger than we thought we were. We discover what's really important in life - family, friends, love, giving back, helping others in similar situations... It's not about our material possessions and staying up with the latest fashion trends. Life is not about who's driving what and keeping up with the Jones. It's about surviving and thriving in a crisis and learning lessons along the way. I know that I will be standing right along with the next friend or family member who is diagnosed with this dreadful disease and I'll be supporting them each step of the way. I realize how lucky I am also to have those around me who love me and care for me. I also think about those who don't have that support system and it saddens me. We are truly blessed for having these people in our lives. Like you, I am thankful for this everyday. You're on your way Jodi! Keep it up!
Jodi
The moment I was "released" from treatments, I felt uneasy. At least through chemo, surgery and radiation, I was "doing something" about my cancer. Now, I am sort of hanging in a state of limbo - not knowing if a headache is just a headache or if a backache is just a backache, etc. I've already demanded a bone scan for possible bone mets and (thank God) discovered that it was only arthritis! Only arthritis... Can you imagine? I also demanded a chest x-ray because my mind had me convinced that I had lung mets. My doctor, after showing me the x-ray results and telling me I was fine, advised me to go to see the clinic psychiatrist. I was put on Effexor. It has done wonders to relieve my anxiety. I still worry and probably always will about cancer returning. But it's not so consuming. With time, things will get better for you as well. Coping with cancer is just a new normal for us survivors now.
On another note, I am walking the breast cancer 3-day in Detroit this year. The training has helped me keep focused on getting in shape and working towards a goal. It's also helped me stay positive and not be so fixated on the whole cancer thing as much.
Tamoxifen
Hi,
Just responding to the comment regarding Tamoxifen. I believe the benefits far outweigh the risks associated with Tamoxifen. I am premenopausal and have been taking it now for about 8 months. It gives me hot flashes and some joint pain, which isn't fun, but I figure I will deal with these symptoms if it means that my life will be extended because of the medication.
I feel fortunate that I have a therapy I can take after cancer treatments. Some do not have that benefit (triple negative cancers). There are some negative aspects with taking Tamoxifen, of course. If you're planning on getting pregnant, you can't take it. The risks associated with uterine cancer are very low. My advice is to not worry about the slight increased risk of getting uterine cancer when you can take this medicine to fight off the cancer you already have been diagnosed with. This medication has been used for years and saves lives. Hope this helps with your decision.
Before Cancer
"Before cancer - or, BC" is a term I always use when I look back at how life used to be. My days were so simple before cancer. Going through this, I used to go to a mall or out in public and look around and think that I was the only one dealing with this terrible disease. I didn't feel like I could connect anymore to the outside world. I longed to be like "everyone else" who doesn't have a diagnosis of cancer.
Before my diagnosis, my perspective on life used to be really naive. Now I realize how precious - and short - our lives are and that we must live each day to the fullest. Your reaction of wanting to stay in the house is normal. I felt this way after all the treatments were finished. All of a sudden I became a hermit and completely shut off the outside world. However long it takes you to come to terms with this disease is your choice, it's your own personal journey. You have every right to react and think the way you do. No one else can tell you to "think positive" when some days it's just not that simple. No one else can tell you that your life will be back to normal now that your cancer is "gone." This is your personal battle. I had a hard time with friends and family giving advice on ways to think and cope when they hadn't walked in my shoes. I do know this though - your fears and worries and feelings of inadequacy will soon start to fade. With time you will get to a life that is as close to normal as possible. That's what surviving is about. It's not just the physical struggle - it's the mental struggle as well. Deal with this the way you want. Don't worry Jodi - you are normal!
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