Thank you for everything
All I can say is that my surgery went fine. I wish that I could tell you that I am ending this blog healthy, happy and done with reconstruction. Two out of three isn't bad though.
I am ending this blog completely healthy and completely happy, but I know that my days with my plastic surgeon are not over. However, they are over for now.
I have decided to postpone another surgery till an unknown point in time. The fact is despite my hopes; my skin just did not stretch enough. So, the next option will be to take skin from my back and start all over again. I am just not ready to put my life on hold for another year for a breast. So, I have made the decision to live with it indefinitely.
My life has been on hold for 2 years and I am ready to move on. I am extremely lucky that as of right now, I can move on. I don't want to wait and I am done feeling trapped by cancer. So, I am done with reconstruction for now.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Two years ago, I started this blog. After all of ups and downs, eight rounds of chemo, a unilateral mastectomy, radiation and two tries at reconstruction, I am leaving cancer and this blog happy and healthy. I could not ask for more. Thank you again for following along. You have no idea what a blessing every comment and uplifting word was to me through it all. Thank you.
It is time for me to move on
Over the past two years, I have shared every moment of my breast cancer struggle. However, I think it is time I start sharing every aspect of my life. I am more than cancer. I have always been more than cancer and now I would like to start sharing those parts of my life with my family and friends who have so loyally followed my battle.
While The Detroit News has given me a chance to share my breast cancer experiences with you, I need to move to a new outlet that allows me to be a little more personal. It is time for me to move on.
I have honestly learned so much from readers over the past two years. I never felt alone because someone was always there to lift me up or give me more information or to make me stop and think about everything that was going on. This blog was truly a blessing for me and I can't thank you all enough.
My surgery is scheduled for Sept. 21. For all my loyal readers, I promise to update The Breast Monologues with my outcome. But as of Oct. 1, I won't be updating any longer. However, anyone who is interested is welcome to follow me at my new personal blog.
Thank you so much for following me and reading my story.
Teardrop it is
I have officially decided to go with the teardrop shaped breast implant. My doctor and I think this will be the best option because of the way my skin stretched with the expander.
Because of radiation, the lower skin did not stretch as much as the top skin. Because of this, it is much fuller at the top, which does not look that natural. With the teardrop shape implant, the top fullness will be reduced giving a more natural look, which is exactly what I am going for.
However, I think that I really have to reduce my expectations. My mind knows that nothing will ever look right, but I think deep down I always thought I would come out looking like my "before cancer" self. My expectations were high. I know this, but I think having high expectations are OK. Many would say that I should just be happy that everything is going so well. And don't get me wrong, I am grateful everyday that my biggest worry is an implant. However, I also don't want to live a life settling for things just because I am a live. I should be living my life to the fullest and that includes my recovery expectations. I should expect the best.
But after talking with my doctor, I also have to be realistic and radiation really did screw up my skin. It is what it is, and I can't go back and change things. I just have to work with what I got.
My surgery should be in a couple weeks. The day is still getting worked out. But I am excited to finally be moving on to the next step of reconstruction.
This breast cancer survivor is trapped in time
This weekend, I was spending time with my girlfriend and her friends. My friend is very proud of the fact that I am a breast cancer survivor, so I wasn't at the party more than five minutes when she wanted to share with everyone that I had survived breast cancer.
I did not mind my friend sharing my story. I think it is good for other women my age to hear it because, if nothing else, they might give themselves a self-examination more often.
My friend was one of the first people I told I had a lump I was getting checked out. She was there through everything I went through. As she was telling her friends my story, I could not believe all started almost two years ago. The whole time aspect really freaked me out. The "how old were you?" question really freaked me out because a part of me could not believe it had been two years. Time has absolutely flown! At 24 years old I bought my first house and got engaged. At 25, I got married. At age 26 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Age 27, I battled breast cancer. Now, at age 28, I have survived breast cancer.
Everything seems to have gone by so quickly, yet I still feel like I am a 26-year-old battling breast cancer. I almost feel trapped at that age. I probably feel this way because I am still going through surgeries for reconstruction.
I'm not sure when time will have lapsed enough that I won't think of myself as someone still battling breast cancer and just as someone who once was diagnosed with breast cancer. I know it is just a state of mind, however, my state of mind is not where I want it to be yet.
Why does time do tricks on the mind? At one moment, I feel like cancer was a just a quick blip on my life's radar screen and other times I feel like it is a milestone that I can't seem to move past.
How do other survivors feel? Has cancer trapped you at a certain point in your life or are you moving on free and clear?
3-Day is an experience of a lifetime
One week from now, some of the craziest and nicest people will lace up their well-used sneakers and walk. No, I am not talking about the crazies at the Woodward Dream Cruise. I am talking about the wonderful men and women who have dedicated their time and strength to walk 60 miles over three days during the 2009 Breast Cancer 3-Day.
Unlike in years past, the 3-Day in Michigan is taking place Aug. 14-16 instead of the last weekend in September. Opening ceremonies will begin at 6:30 a.m. at The Henry Ford in Dearborn and closing ceremonies begin around 4:30 p.m. Sunday at Washtenaw Community College in Ann Arbor.
Everyone who walks has a tale as to why they are participating. It is not a race or about best times or top finishes. It is about raising money and awareness of breast cancer and other cancers alike.
Last year, there was one couple I will never forget even though I never met them. However, like I said everyone who walks has a tale and theirs was one of love, strength and commitment. The wife - who looked to be in her 20s or early 30s - was battling breast cancer for the second time with it spreading to other parts of her body. She had trained most of the summer to walk the 3-Day, but right before the walk she had to have surgery that required her to have a walking cast on her leg. Her husband, who was also in his 20s or 30s, jumped right in to help her. He quickly raised enough money to walk with her. You can not transfer donations from one walker to another and everyone has to raise the minimum of $2,300. For most of the 60 miles he pushed his wife in a wheelchair. She would walk a little on crutches and then he would push her the rest of the way. I am not sure how many miles they did each day or if they finished all 60, but I loved knowing that nothing was going to keep this woman from participating and her husband was right there to help her through it. It was amazing.
Stories like these are all over the 3-Day. It is an event like no other.
If you aren't into cars, check out the Michigan spectator information so you can head out and cheer on the women and men.
Win 'Beauty Pearls for Chemo Girls'
I do not garnish all my confidence from appearances, but while going through breast cancer treatment the days that I felt like I looked good I felt confident I would be cancer free. I think that it was what some people call gumption.
To give others gumption, I have a copy of "Beauty Pearls for Chemo Girls" by Marybeth Maida and Debbie Kiederer to give away. The book covers how to maintain radiant skin, feel comfortable in your clothing, makeup application, wigs and positive attitudes.
If you would like to enter to win the book, please e-mail me your name and address at jwilson@detnews.com.
More waiting, more decisions to be made
I made it. I am officially done having my skin stretched. I made it to 450 cc. Now I just need to pray that it is enough. It is back to the waiting game.
I do not have to return to my doctor till Sept. 2. I am actually quite excited about having six weeks off. I have been driving up to Square Lake and Woodward every Wednesday since May and I am ready to have my Wednesday mornings back.
However, now is my time to do a little research about different types of implants. After reading the comment from one blog reader, I asked my doctor about the teardrop shaped implant . He wasn't too sure about it because of the chance of movement of the implant. I guess there is the chance it could flip upside down, which would then need to be fixed surgically. I think the teardrop implant might be what I am need to have a more natural look. So my doctor is suggesting a textured teardrop implant. Has anyone used the textured implant? Does it make a difference?
I need to start talking to people and figuring out what is best for me. Because I choose to only have a right-breast mastectomy, I will always have to worry about my breasts matching. I hope it is a decision I don't come to regret. My doctor keeps reassuring me I will look fine in clothing, but I'm not sure if that is enough for me. I am hoping the textured teardrop implant is the answer to my concerns.
Please, if anyone has suggestions about my upcoming decision, I would love to hear from you.
Doctor gives go ahead to get pregnant
It is no surprise to most of my friends and family that one of the hardest things to deal with when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer was the idea that children might not be in my future. I even saw a fertility specialist before I started chemo. There was a slim chance that chemo would put me into early menopause. Thank goodness it did not. And as of my doctor appointment last week, my oncologist does not see any reason as to why Bob and I would have to wait to try for a family once my reconstruction surgeries are over.
It was the news that I had been waiting to hear since I was diagnosed. I wanted someone to say that it was OK to resume my regular life, including talking to my husband about having children. Even though I know that we won't be trying to get pregnant for awhile, it is nice to hear we can. It is just one more step into the right direction of getting my life back.
For any family members reading this, the answer is no, Bob and I are not trying right now. We are just happy to know we can!
Every cancer warrior needs a cancer sponsor
I remember when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, with all the doctors telling me what I need to know and all of the information coming so quickly. Decisions needed to be made so quickly and here I was having never known anyone my age who had breast cancer. That is where this blog brought around my first true blessing, Shannon Watson.
I have mentioned Shannon on multiple occasions, but here is a quick synopsis: Shannon was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 25. She underwent a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. Two years later, she was diagnosed again. For the past two years, she has undergone more chemo, a clinical trial drug and is doing hormone therapy. On top of all that, she has become a health guru, incorporating nutrition and other alternative cancer prevention measures. Right now, her once aggressive, out of control growing cancer has become a slow growing stable nuisance.
I tell you all this because Shannon is what I term my "cancer sponsor." Just as alcoholics and addicts have sponsors to guide them through a life of sobriety, I believe cancer survivors need sponsors to guide them through the ins and outs of the physical and emotional aspects of cancer. Everyone needs a friend to tell them that what they are feeling and going through is normal. A sponsor also has the knowledge and know-how of what is to come and expect.
A sponsor should be someone you can relate to. I had many women a little older then me give me some great advice and help as I went through my cancer treatment, but not many could understand what I was going through as a 27-year-old newlywed battling cancer. Shannon could.
I was lucky that Shannon's dad saw my blog one day and connected me with her by e-mail. While I do not see Shannon as much as I did when I was going through treatment, I know she is my sponsor and if I need her, she would be there. I just hope I can pay it forward one day to someone else.
Sponsors are a great source and women seem readily available to help fellow survivors. So don't feel intimidated by reaching out and finding a new friend. A sponsor is just a friend who is there to keep you sane, positive and healthy.
By the way, a great place to find a cancer friend is at support groups. Shannon started a breast cancer support group for women under the age of 40 at Gilda's House in Royal Oak. It meets every other Tuesday from 6:30-8 p.m. I'll be there tonight, but showing up pretty late. But if you are in the Royal Oak area and want to meet some cool cancer chicks, head over. It is not your normal support group. I promise.
Ouch! Expander fills are hitting the max
Whoa, baby. Last night was horrible. Until now, I have not had any issues with my expander, but last night, I thought my skin was ripping apart. It was not pleasant, but I think the pain is telling me that I am reaching the end of my fills.
At my Wednesday appointment, my doctor thought I might be able to have one or two more fillings, but after last night, I think my end is near. If anything, it will be one more fill and then a two-month wait to see how the skin settles.
This is such a long process that I am seriously ready for it all to be over.
If you are having discomfort from expanding, pain relievers and icing the chest really does help, or at least it helped me make it through this morning. Instead of sharp, gut wrenching pains, I am now having dull discomfort.
I probably should have gotten up in the middle of the night to take a pain reliever, but instead I tried to sleep through it. So after one restless night of sleep, I have learned my lesson and I won't be grinning and baring it any longer. Give me the drugs and the ice and hopefully in two days I will be back to life as usual.
