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Re: Kids need both parents
Larry, I tend to agree with your thoughts when it involves parents equally capable of parenting. However, there's an all too common situation where your solution would be disastrous. I write from personal experience.
When one parent is abusive or neglectful, equal time begs for disaster. My wife and I are separated, but not divorced. We have an arrangement that changes as our needs change. Sometimes she has the children more, and sometimes I do - depending upon our own needs. We negotiate the arrangements every few months and as things come up. We accommodate each other as best we can. This kind of dynamic custody, (and dynamic child support), relieves a lot of stress for both of us and our children take it all in stride. They're real champs who know how to roll with the punches life throws at them. It helps when we both live within a couple of miles of each other (for their sake).
But I was not raised that way. My own father was a violent alcoholic who regularly provided 'object lessons' in fear to keep us kids in line. He used to tell me that 'pain and fear are the only ways to raise a child'. We lived in an ultra conservative community where everyone minded their own business - preferring to close the door even when a battered child comes knocking (literally). In such situations, the judge would have nothing but a 'he said, she said' situation and would have to provide 'equal time'. I know such communities still exist, and I know such parents still exist. Sanilac county, where I was raised, being one of those communities. There, your ideas would be disaster for any child.
I do my best not to be my fathers son with my own children. But even then, a thoughtless word or a moment of indiscretion is all it takes to scar a child for life. I hold no illusions that the cycle of violence will end with me. Perhaps not even with my own children or their children. I am not like many parents; I have no memories of how parenting should be done; no template or model given by my parents. I only know how NOT to do it, and I must accept my natural tendency to do it that way. I must assume my every moment with my children carries the potential to harm them for life and I must act accordingly. My every action, my every word must be guarded and carefully considered. I love them dearly, but this is no guarantee of protection.
Others sometimes praise my parenting, but I know better. Behind the careful art of parenting is a violent brute that should never have had children. This is what it is like when a survivor becomes a parent. It takes a great effort just to be modestly competent as a parent. And it only takes an unguarded moment... Judging by the effort I make, I suspect that my efforts make me the exception. I suspect that not many make such effort; and among those who do, not enough are as successful.
Equal time with a bad parent is a disaster. For such system to work, a judge must be empowered and motivated to find out and act accordingly. You cannot just blindly assume that 'the system' for finding abusive or neglectful parents works everywhere and at all times. If it did, there would be far fewer of us survivors out there perpetuating abuse from generation to generation.
Make no mistake about it; I don't support a presumption of shared parenting when a real potential for violence is present. I maintain zero tolerance for abuse and whole heartily support judges having discretion to determine the framework of parenting time when legitimate threats of abuse exists.
In fact, if you read the Michigan Parenting Time Guidelines that were included in the post, you'll notice that this very issue is covered; "children have a right to parenting time unless the court determines on the record by clear and convincing evidence that parenting time would endanger the children's physical, mental or emotional health [MCL 722.27a]."
I'm truly sorry for what you endured in your childhood. I absolutely understand the deep and lasting scares that physical and verbal abuse causes. But the real and far to often perpetrated abuse in divorce is one, or the other, parent alleging abuse or neglect where there is none all in an effort to win a primary parental role, and to the loser goes a visitors status. Children are the real losers in that sort of process and it's this winner takes all process that has to change if we're ever going to provide children of divorce what they truly need in parenting.
Good luck to you and thanks for your comments. I hope you'll press on and continue being something better as a parent than the initial blue print you experienced. As bad or good as any of our histories are, we should all try to provide something better for our children but to what ever extent some tools are needed to do that, I hope you'll also consider using resources like counseling. Larry
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