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KIDS NEED BOTH PARENTS
Larry, I totally agree with your statement, "Kids need both parents ! " The stateement can be backed up by numerous studies, Steve Nock, University of Virginia ,2008( Positive Economic effects of both parent namely father involvement), Philip Cowan, University of California,2009 ( reduction of parental stress, relationship quality, and reduction of children's problem behavior), Katherine Mitchell, Louisiana State University,2009 ( involvement improves well being ), and Lawrence Berger, University of Wisconsin-Madison,2008 ( Benefits to children in terms of child support compliance and financial contributions.
It is sad that many parents continue to relitigate cases that have been decided. Judges are empowered to protect children, they have the authority to protect them from parents that induce mental abuse continually by relitigating. At a minimum the moving party should cover all expenses including court costs and attorney fees for all the parties continuing to use the court as a battlefield for their own agenda. It is wise to look seriously at what one is trying to accomplish by relitigating. If one is continuing to fight and file motions, it may be wise to seek the help of a mental health professional for a complete mental health examination of competence to file motions ( One should rule out Mood disorders, Personality disorders, thought disorders and co-morbidities ). In California, when a party continues to relitigate full custody is given to the party that promotes the MOST time with the other parent. Another way of saying the same thing is that the party who files the most motions, interfering with the other parent and their time. By default and the order of the Judge, full custody goes to the parent who has to defend themselves from frivolous motions. In conclusion, a child needs both parents unless one parent is using the child as a weapon to sabotage that other parents relationship. If that is the case, the court should step in and order full custody to the parent that continues to be victimized by frivolous motions and assess court costs, attorney fees and child support obligations to the moving party who continues the fight !
WOW, thank you for sharing these studies. I'm familiar with a couple of them and as you've pointed out, they come to the same conclusion as the overwhelming majority of other shared parenting research; regardless of a marital status, children do better in every measurable way when both their parents stay actively involved in parenting them.
As you've also noted, they're any number of factors that drive continuous litigation between parents but it's telling when the effort is to modify one or the others parenting time, or their ability to participate in real elements of parenting. You mentioned personality disorders which is a real and difficult psychiatric condition. A person with "Borderline Personality," for example, has tendencies to feel persecuted and will usually have difficulty sharing those they want or feel a need to be connected to. One of a few reasons why include abandonment issues that trigger their need for a perceived sense of control and power. Obviously, these are not well suited qualities for a fair and mutual relationship and makes co parenting extra challenging. I believe you're on target, though, calling for the courts to use mental health professionals in these cases. Therapists who have clinical training in this specialty can then provide the court a better picture of what is really going on and how to respond so that the best interest of children can truly be served. Clearly, continuously trying to otherwise compete for a singular role of importance, rather than respecting a child's need for their parents to engage in mutually respectful and dual roles of parenting is not serving any ones best interest.
Thanks again for your comments, look forward to hearing from you again.
Larry
Best Dad is you
Larry,
Once again you are so right. Being a Dad is more then contributing the chromosomes to a child. A child's growth in the world is guided by the genetic foundations a father gives but also the nurturing a father provides to that hard wiring or foundations.
While I am personally very healthy, I do have mild asthma. By teaching the coping skills I have learned has been helpful to my children in preventing a very mild condition into developing into a life threatening disease. The same applies to so many things that a biological father can contribute to assisting in the growth of a child in social and emotional and educational development where the numerous benefits are clear cut.
STUDY INVITING DADS
Kevin, I am a personal fan of any study on social research as to how it is utilized and implemented. Please cite the Full Journal # , pg. # , Researcher and any other identifying info. I have known you long enough to trust your analytical skills in study interpretation. Posting a link to the article would be great. Currently in the State House a Bill is in Committee addressing this issue. My source in the State House has said politics drawn along party lines is blocking it. Every Family Law attorney/Legislatur and Judge and MD/RN and Teacher, Psycholgist/MSW/ and anyone dealing with children should be required to read this study as a mandatory requirement for their continuing education requirement.
SUMMER Time
Larry I totally agree. The lazy days of summer , no school , family vacations, fishing, just chillin ! Summer is the time to recharge the batteries and build lifelong memories. Michigan offers many opportunities and is rich in history not only for leisure but a better understanding of our heritage.
Climbing the sand dunes one learns how they came to be, deforestation and its effects on the environment. Our interactions of the past with the Indians teaches us new interactions to learn from our mistakes. Just learning to swim, my father holding my head above the water until I had the self confidence to do it myself. I still remember the self confidence though cautious of when I taught my son to swim. I still have so much to show him, how to hold his head high and push forward. Teaching him to fish,my son has learned to be a more avid fisherman then myself. Lessons learned with Dad on those summertime vacations !
Great examples in how spending leisurely summer activities with our children can be both educational and fun. And clearly, the memories created can last a life time and as you also noted, shared both in stories and traditions with our future generations.
Enjoy your son and thank you for your comments.
Larry
DADS TIME FOR CHILD DEVELOPMENT
I agree with you Larry the things we teach our children our meant to last a lifetime. My son takes great pride in his fish and is very nurturing in how he raises them and his other pets. We dialogue all the time about them, I know my time with him will help him in whatever he does and his role as a future father. I have lost track of all the life lessons I have taught him. I was very proud watching him in Karate
Another very experienced Family therapist has told me it is not what you do, but that you do spend time with them. I am very sad about all the fathers that are not allowed to spend time with their children to raise them and encourage them to be independent self sufficient healthy adults.
I am very saddened about the case in Monroe of Neveah and how much attention has been brought to the mothers boyfriends and their criminal history. I am quite sure the outcome would have been better had her father had more time to teach her about," stranger dangers " and how to protect herself. Plain and simple a fathesr's role is to impart the love and guidance to allow a child to grow up independent and self sufficient to take care of themselves. You have demonstrated this over and over ! It is very obvious how your fathering has had so many positive outcomes in DJ !
Most clinicians conclude and I certainly agree; a child's emotional development
fairs best when both parents participate in all the various aspects
of their life. The reasons why are obvious and includes the need to feel like each
of his or her parents care enough to embrace them in what we've communicated
to be ultimately important, i.e. school, extra curricular activities and so on. If we
deny our children our time in these matters we not only short change them in a
connection they need to us to feel confident, secure and otherwise motivated to
succeed, we likewise run the risk that they will compartmentalize our parental role
and that can be deeply damaging to a parent child relationship.
I commend you for stepping up and being there for your son. The activity you
spend time with him in is important but I agree that taking time is what's
most important. It takes a quantity of time to support both a quality of
parenting and relationship.
Press on and thanks for your comments, I hope we'll hear from you again.
Larry
PARENTING STYLES
Larry,
I totally agree with your statement. As a father I will admit my parenting style was different then the co-parent mother of our children. I was blessed to have a boy and girl to which I have seen the results in both.
I have been of the opinion to expose ones' children as much as possible to the positive aspects of life to prepare them for the real world.Allow them to trip and fall and pull themselves up with a helping hand if needed. I look at my daughters strength in Academics and my son's gift for socializing and sports. It is unfortunate how some established systems such as school systems do not recognize the role of fathers when a child gets sick or needs to be monitored with homework. The key is for both parents to recognize working together is for the best parenting, a blending for the best outcome.
Well stated Zachary. It really is about blending the individual strengths that each parent brings to the table. Parenting styles, just like the personality traits that brought a couple together in the first place, tend to differ but as this article concluded, when parents blend and balance out their differences in parenting, they compliment one another's efforts and even more effectively provide what their children need. And as the research overwhelmingly shows, better outcomes for our children are achieved.
Thanks for writing in.
Larry
Child Development Awareness
Larry,
I totally agree with you in regards understanding Child Development . As a Father/University of Michigan Graduate/ Licensed Health Care provider and parent this is one area I felt the weakest in. As an overachiever myself I have expected too much of my teenage children not knowing what they should be doing. I rely on Pediatricians and the Education system to educate/ validate that Development is occurring as it should .
Staying the Course
I agree with Larry in my experience the time spent as a divorced parent is invaluable in the life skills to impart and male role modeling.
Probably the hardest as a Father with one third the time as the mother is that a child is denied two thirds the opportunity to benefit from the Father. I will not deny that children form emotional bonds with one more then the other. A healthy emotional functional adult is required to do more in society to take care of themselves. One example is work ethic/modeling and natural ability in careers.In an example, the previous story of the mechanic and his son fixing his tricycle.This starts with a father volunteers in school. Has one noticed how few male teachers are their in the formative years ? Time spent as a role model cannot be underestimated. A fathers ability to work, interact and to teach the self confidence to assimilate into todays' society is just one example a father imparts to a child by staying the course.
Thanks for the input, Zachary. I couldn't agree more that each gender brings something unique and equally important to the needs of children in role modeling to them, especially in the formative years. I'm not sure, though, I understand what you mean that children form emotional bonds with one parent more than the other. It's not a competition and my experience is that children form deep and meaningful bonds, that are equally important to a child's well being, with both involved parents. But you can bet that when one of those parents is out of the mix, whether reduced to a "visitor's status" by a system or by their own lack of efforts to be more, emotional bonds are then strained, to say the least.
Larry
Midwest Fathers Conference
Larry,
This is my 4th conference I have been too ! The information presented at previous conferences has been excellent, this one promises even more. Over the years I have gotten to know these speakers individually and no where else can one find the expertise for fathers all in one venue. Whether a married,divorced,single or a grandfather this conference gives one the tools to help being a father in numerous venues. What is incredible is the low cost for so much information.
PETS
Larry,
The evidence is irrefutable the benefits of pets for children. The problem has arisen in regards to misinformation regarding children and pets. You are much more an expert on children and growth and development. Lets break it down children & pets.
Children: Our job as parent(s) ie father AND mother is to raise children. Part of that is showing them the world and teaching them to interact in it. Lions teach their cubs to hunt so they can be the king of the jungle. By teaching them to take care of and interact with numerous things( pets ) they in turn grow up with the ability to adapt to numerous changing situations. On the other hand if sheltered to extremes based on a parent with unhealthy paranoia or a personality disorder that is transferred to the child leading to phobias in adulthood and other difficulties.
Pets: I will not disagree with the fact animals are animals and not people as some pet owners assimilate them too.The key is understanding, analogy you cannot train a rattlesnake, they bite, expect it. A dog a higher level animal according to experts do have a personality based on dog terms ( dominant,submissive, attention seeking, high strung ) A diligent owner ( parent ) discusses this with their veterarian and ideally brings the child to the vet appts so the child can learn from the expert.
Thank you for some keenly insightful observations. I couldn't agree more that a significant part of good parenting is teaching our children how to interact with others in a meaningful and healthy way. In fact, it's been my observation that the inability to do so makes it pretty difficult to achieve any real happiness, or acquire a maximum of success. Raising children with pets can certainly, at least potentially, provide a foundation, a place for children to start from in learning and experiencing a level of commitment, responsibility and respect, even a degree of sacrifice, patience and love that is likewise required in the give and take of human relationships.
I'm not saying it's the same, I agree that animals are not people, although mine have sometimes been given something close to that significance. But these same principles that apply to taking care of our pets is a great way for children to experience that it's similar kinds of qualities that go into having successful interactions and relationships with others.
Larry Herren
PARENTAL KIDNAPPING
While we are all thankful to the happy ending to this story. What can we do from allowing this to happen again. You will not see the amount of $$$ that Jeff spent just to be the Father to his son. Couldn't this have better spent for his college education or in raising him. Let's look at the underlying basic problem, which is PARENTAL ALIENATION !
Unless we mandate by laws that ANY person who has contact with a child be educated in PARENTAL ALIENATION. Even thoughs most qualified :Legislatures,Politicians, Teachers, Lawyers,Judges,Law enforcement seriously dropped the ball on this one. It would have been easy for the mother to take the child to Kenya ( no extradition treaty ) and he would not be able to get his son. No amber alert was issued, the prosecutor was slow to act, numerous layers of law enforcement wasted time or failed to act. Let's put the shoe on the other foot, if Jeff had kidnapped his son, it would be law enforcement priority # 1.
We MUST recognize PARENTAL ALIENATION for what it is and hold those accountable for protecting children to protect children from this form of child abuse. As a health care provider, I can lose my license and be sued for ignoring child abuse. The same standard must be for all who come into contact and take care of children. Thank You !
Parental Alienation
Parental alienation is one of the most complex variables in Family Law. To understand how to combat it is to understand what it is, what causes it, the confusion and bias behind it, what the " experts say " and who the experts are , and ultimately what is needed to stop it.
Much like the experts disagreed that smoking was hazardous to one's health, it has taken 50yrs to demonstrate that smoking causes cerebrovascular disease and cancer. I will explore Parental alienation in my next blogs. Please feel free to comment in the meantime !
Parental Kidnapping
Parental kidnapping indeed is the worst form of Parental Alienation. The major problem is that unless one has been the victim of parental alienation one has no idea what it is. Alec Baldwin has been on National media to try to explain the phenomenon. The real tragedy here is the delay of so many law enforcement officials to help Mr. Edwards. Why can't the National Media NBC/ABC/CBS; 20/20; 60 minutes realize the scope of this problem in this country. I have no concept of the Billions spent in foreign aid/ Iraq war. Why cannot just .0001 % be devoted to the American children that are alienated from their parents. Why can't just 10 Legislaturs stand up to the plate and put a bill to fund our own FBI to take care of are own children vs the children of the world. I see so many ads on TV showing starving children of the world. The reality is all the children of this country that are alienated by the parents create generations of trouble for Social agencies and how can they become effective parents themselves ?
BOTH PARENTS NEEDED
LARRY,
The studies are too numerous to name where the child clearly benefits from both parents working together. A few microscale examples can be seen in Parent Teacher Conferences and in hospital settings. You will have the opportunity soon to attend your son's parent-teacher conference. It is simple the conferences attended by both involved parents in general the children are doing better emotionally and academically. When a problem is noted a unified front by both parents is best should a problem be noted.Teachers get frustrated when conflict interferes with a child education. The next example is in the Emergency room or Doctor's office. Follow up studies in questionnaire format shows that a consistent follow up of a treatment plan is carried out if both parents are involved vs. one parent. I will not refute extended family such as Grandparents, yet any Pediatric specialist will tell you that the most obstruction to treatment comes from grandparents from a previous generation.
Proposed show by FOX Broadcasting
I agree with Larry that this show is a very bad idea. This appears a futile attempt to get ratings.
Back child support is an area in Family Law where the whole story is never told. That being said, both parties ability to pay and the issue of parenting time which is always ignored.
Why not do a show about denied parenting time and the frustation of a co-parent showing up at a doorstep not being allowed to pick up a child ? The issue is ignored by local police. Yet the local police have full media coverage when a "deadbeat" dad is arrested for back child support. How many custodial parents have been arrested with full media coverage for denial of parenting time ? None.
An arguement is made that a parent MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY by paying child support. Yet, a parent that takes responsibility by spending time with their children: clothing them, feeding them, doing homework, attending DR. Appointments , nurturing them, and guiding them is denied without due process.
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