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Kids Need Both Parents
No doubt about it, Larry, I completely agree. I also think a common reason why divorced or never married parents try to restrict the involvement of the other is due to painful feelings that they don't want to have to deal with. As you are well aware, it can be very hard for others to forage a co-parenting relationship when feelings are hurt and tempers are high. I think sometimes parents think if they can just get rid of that other parent they could all move on with their lives, and tend to try to avoid working through the difficult issues rather than facing them for the sake of their child's happines. Also, I think sometimes parents convince themselves that the conflict they are having with the other parent is so high that it affects the child adversely, and believe that it would be best to only have one parent or the other. Or, one parent can't stand the other parent and can't separate their own feelings enough to see that the parent/child have a natural bond that should not be severed. Basically, I think it's all about parent's not being able to rise above their own feelings and issues in order to do the ultimate loving thing for their child, which is providing and supporting a strong relationship with both parents. I know in some cases it's easier said than done, but I think people should put their kids first and the rest will follow.
As usual, Tammy hits the nail on the head in illustrating some of the core reasons that drive a parent's ambivalence to establishing healthy and effective co parenting.
No question that good parenting involves sacrifices which include resolving hurt and angry feelings so that appropriate perspectives in the need children have for complete and whole relationships with both parents can be kept. Like the "Smile Program" says; the greatest gift you can give your child is permission to love their other parent but that requires putting your children first which sadly, remains an ongoing struggle for some. Reasons why include any number of axis 2 personality disorders but we'll save that for another blog.
LarrySportsmanship
Larry, I couldn't agree with you more that good sportsmanship must start at home. I have two little girls, ages 3 and 5, and they are among the most competitive people I have ever met! It is hard enough to teach them the aspects of good sportsmanship because they are so emotionally heated in their competitions with each other, and who wins/loses means so much more than it should to them. My husband watches sports at times but tends to keep his comments to himself, so my girls' behavior does not appear to be modeled in that way. Despite this, as I said before, they are highly focused on who wins/loses. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to teach them the traits of good sportsmanship in the presence of a parent who is lost in their own negativity or false pride about a game!
No question about it, negative modeling would only reinforce the sibling rivalry they sound to be having.
Larry
Summertime memories
I like the sentiment that your latest blog entry embraces...making memories with our children. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the memories I've made with my family and the memories yet to be made (always something to look forward to!). Spending quality time with my kids often, having fun without distraction, is priceless and I feel it is an important thing to prioritize in every season.
Memories are a blue print! You and your daughters' dad are clearly making memories that will serve them well, already has. They're special little girls that can't miss in adulthood because of what their mom and dad are doing for them.
Thanks for continuing to support this site and sharing your wisdoms with us.
Larry
Enhancing child development
I couldn't agree more that parenting our children is the biggest legacy we will leave. Passing along my values and seeing them internalized in my daughters is not only affirming to them, but is also affirming to me! I love seeing solid values reflected in my kids...believe me, even if you think they are not paying attention or they are not listening...they are! Even if they don't realize they are listening to what we say...they are seeing our behavior and what we model to them makes a difference. For example, my preschool daughters don't like to clean up and put their toys away...so I was very pleased to hear them talking about seeing litter around the neighborhood and how we should pick it up! Since that time they have said and done other things that show me they strongly value nature and the environment. That is just one of many examples that I have noticed lately that illustrates their developing value systems, and that lets me know they hear what I say and see what I do. Your point about spending time and prioritizing your child's needs is well taken...since they truly notice and internalize the things that we model to them, it is extremely important to be sure that in our words and our behavior we show that what we value above all...is them.
Parenting Styles
It is very interesting to see an article that discusses the specific style of parenting that is provided by dads! One thing that comes to mind is that it may be hard to actually define a specific "daddy style" of parenting because some moms and dads (like myself and my husband) are not as traditional. In our case it's my husband that is more protective and I am the one who encourages our girls (maybe that's part of the reason, our parenting style might be different with boys)to stretch their physical limits and try new things. I am also the one who is more likely to engage in "rough and tumble" play. I think the most important thing, as you pointed out, is not just the way that fathers do things but the fact that they are engaged with their kids makes all the difference. I actually think that the presence of the father (and mother) creates an intellectual, emotional, and academic advantage for kids because if they have both parents involved with them they don't have to worry about the things and cope with the emotions that they would have to cope with if they did not have both parents available. Kids who don't have both parents available, even if they have surrogate caregivers, still have to compensate for the lack.
Thriving resilience
One main thing that occurs to me as I ask myself what I have found that helps my kids to thrive is freedom of exploration, creation, and expression within a safe and flexible structure. I like to provide my girls with a variety of options when it comes to play and art, and let them come up with their own ideas (there is never a shortage, although sometimes I'll make a suggestion just because I think it would be neat or something). It is amazing to watch and to see the high amount of creativity that they have! I also think that this style helps them to connect with each other and to negotiate different elements of their play, which I believe supports their continued self-confidence. It also helps with their resilience in the sense that they are able to channel their emotional energy and process things in their own way.
Who's Teaching Who?
Larry, your comments and your insight are truly inspiring in this message. I have had similar "aha" moments while watching my kids' sense of trust, wonder and awe at the world, as well as the creativity and the fun they make out of each and every moment. Just in that fact that you are noticing that you are learning lessons from D.J. even as you teach him, and are supportive of his continued wonder, is clearly creating a blueprint for him. You are a great dad, Larry! Keep up the good work!
Staying the Course
I couldn't agree with you more, Larry, that quantity time is important and should go hand in hand with quality time. A quantity of time is needed in order to "catch" those teachable and/or bonding moments as they spontaneously occur in life. I know as both a psychologist and a mother that building on these spontaneous events definitely leads to a close, connected relationship and is affirming...and might be more likely to take place in the quieter moments in life when it seems that not much is going on.
I can definitely relate to your comment about being a "good enough" parent...that parents don't have to be great or perfect as people to be an affirming parent. Since no one is perfect, there are times when I wish my kids didn't have to contend with certain aspects of my personality...which is a great motivator for me to strive for continous self-improvement. That said, I often notice things about my kids' development and their growing-up environment that is
different from my own, and I am glad. I know what it is like to yearn for the time, attention, affection, and affirmation of a parent who's love I doubted. In turn, as a child I was insecure and doubted my own loveability. I am proud to say that my kids do not have that problem. My kids are secure in my love for them, and this is evident in many ways. I believe that there are many ways that my kids see my love for them, but I know that one of the most important things to them is our time together...the more, the better as far as we are all concerned!
As usual, Tammy articulates the essentials of good and involved parenting, using a quantity of time to "catch those teachable and /or bonding moments as they spontaneously occur in life." Just as any family therapist knows, or any actively involved parent understands, it requires more than every other weekend, or other sorts of limited contacts, to be able to parent our children through the various elements of life that pop up in so many aspects of their world. I also agree that much of what happens in a child's life is spontaneous and when we're a part of it, a foundation for a close and connected relationship is established. That's why we need to stay consistent in spending time parenting our children. It is, after all, this same close relationship our children establish with us, both their dad and mom, that provides them the affirmation and "blue prints" they need to establish future relations that are healthy and lasting. The flip side is obviously a life long struggle to compensate for what they didn't have with a parent who failed to instill what a "healthy" relationship feels like. It's us, both a mom and a dad, who creates the blue prints and sets a bench mark that our children will follow.
You and your daughter's dad are setting outstanding benchmarks for your children Tammy. I have no doubt that they will continue to thrive and grow up to be a reflection of the love and healthy family they come from, and that you, my friend, have helped to establish.
Larry
Pets and kids
My two girls, ages 3 and almost 5, each have a cat that we got as stray kittens from the Humane Society 1 1/2 years ago. I don't think either one of them remembers a time when we didn't have them. These cats have brought so much joy to these little girls, it's amazing. Not only do they learn responsibility, empathy, the value of all living things, etc..., but they see their pets as primary supports who help give them the courage to face whatever challenges they encounter.
Thank you for the comments Tammy. I appreciate you bringing up yet one more important aspect of what children can achieve in pet ownership; a sense of confidence and esteem that can last a life time.
Those are some lucky cats to have such a great home, and two little girls that I know loves and takes good care of them. D.J. Is carrying his 9 week old kitten around as if they were attached at the hip! It's been entertaining to watch the difference in how he attends to it, the more vulnerable little thing that it is, versus his two adult dogs who are obviously more physically mature and who he is use to being more rough and tumble with. He's doing a great job, I'm really proud of how caring and sensitive he can be.
Larry
Parental Alienation
In addition, I think it's equally important to urge parents who have problems that would cause themselves to be alienated, such as alcholism, drug addiction, abuse patterns, etc... should be the first to seek professional help. There is lots of help out there because everyone could use a little help from time to time!
Parental Alienation
I couldn't agree more that parental alienation is extremely harmful to children, especially when the child internalizes the verbal and/or nonverbal cues from the other parent and begins to vilify the target parent. In an effort to survive emotionally the child not only rejects the target parent but in effect ends up rejecting a part of themselves. I can't stress enough how much this hurts a child's self-esteem. I urge all parents who feel a need to show negative feelings towards the other parent to their children, and/or those who cannot help but be negative about the other parent, to seek help for the sake of their child/children. There should be no tolerance for perpetuating this very detrimental problem.
WOW, as usual, Tammy hits it on the head when she points out that the deepest damage to a childs psyche is when, in an effort to emotionally survive, they reject the targeted parent but by doing so, they also end up rejecting a part of themselves. What a tragic shame it is when children are made to emotionally survive their parents issues. What a further shame that more isnt being done to address this.
Larry Herren
Child found
Wow, that is truly a very happy ending to a torturous and tumultuous experience for both father and son. I am amazed and astounded when parents try to alienate their children from their other parent. It's just so hard to understand.
A heartfelt congratulations goes out to Jeff...and welcome home, Pierce!
Parental kidnapping
I think it's a travesty that one parent could do such things to another, let alone to their child. I wouldn't even treat an animal that way. My prayers are with Jeff Edwards that he finds his son very, very soon!!
Fishing with Dad
Larry, your "Fishing with Dad" entry was very heartwarming and well stated. It is amazing how the simple things in life that we enjoy with significant others in childhood can leave a legacy for generations to come. It is during that time when defenses are low, when people are relaxed and enjoying a common activity, that the most bonding and affirmation of self occurs. You have done an excellent job of capturing that which is often very intangible. I often think back to my childhood time spent with my grandmother and the things that she taught me, as I often share these very same things and traditions with my own children. It is so nice to see the way that your son, D.J, is benefiting from this time that you give of yourself with him!
Dad's answers to Sassy
Assumptions abound. Let me caution those of you who responded to Sassy that she was stating her opinion that was based on her experience. Hers...not yours or not your statistics. Her experience is real and is obviously a similar experience to those of her friends and other people she knows. In addition, it seemed to be that there were assumptions being made that if Sassy's Ex is not involved with the kids, that it is likely that she is somehow the barrier. I realize that the dads who have wanted and needed to be involved with their kids have had to fight against an antiquated system and other obstacles, but it isn't fair to assume that the mother is the barrier, any more than it is fair to assume all dads are deadbeats. I truly believe that in most cases both parents want the best for their children but for many a myriad of their own problems get in the way (emotional conflict, low self-esteem, various different emotional growth crises in life, etc...). For some it may be easier said than done to rise above it all. I think that in addition to support for the parents that are fighting for the rights they deserve with equality in parenting, our society needs to get to the root of the issues with uninvolved parents and help support them in overcoming their obstacles. I think then we would see an even more noteable decline in the "uninvolved parent". I agree that there are many involved parents who are dads out there. However, I'm a master's level psychologist and both in practice and in personal life, I have seen many families torn apart by parents (both moms and dads) who's own problems are getting in the way of their parenting, regardless of whether they all live in the same home, what their marital status is, etc... I think classes or any other form of correctional support for any parent who physically or emotionally abandons their child is a good idea.
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