Dad Talk

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Present and Accounted for at School

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Great post Kevin. I dropped my son off to school this morning and was taken back by the number of dads who were likewise bringing their children to school, actually outnumbering the mom's who were there dropping their children. I'll find out tomorrow how many dads attend this years first PTA meeting, hopefully more than the sporadic few who attended last year but one thing is clear to me, this is not our fathers generation of parenting; more and more dads are in the mix and our children are reaping the benefits. Numerous studies conclude that children fair significantly better in school, as well as in every other measurable way when dads participate in all of the same elements of parenting that mom's have traditionally taken responsibility for. Obviously, engaging in that part of their life that is school is highly important. We tell them, for example, that school is of primary importance and we drive the point home with expectations that they spend at least 12 years of their life attending, get good grades, take part in various school activities and we additionally mention how proud we would be if they go to college but how contradictory is our message if we follow all of that up by never even going the building?

Clearly, we need to take an equal and active part. My son, even at 6 years old has actually come to expect it; he loves that I attend field trips and gets almost as big a kick as I do to have all of his little friends recognize me as "D.J.'s dad!" He's also proud to show me his work and to have my approval / affirmation of everything he's doing. And I know, without a doubt, that witnessing the dialogue I have with his teacher helps to shape better behavior than what he would have otherwise.

Dead Beat Or Dead Broke

Bob â€" You're dead on that in the overwhelming majority of cases; mothers are awarded custody that in language affords them a lopsided amount of time and money in child support. From what I've observed, the system prioritizes a parent's garnished money over any other aspect of a child's need in parenting, i.e. an equally shared amount of time. It's not difficult to understand some of what drives this. One factor, as you've noted, is an age old gender bias that includes the presumption that men are better able to earn higher incomes and they should go out and do so because their time is less important to the needs of their children than their money is. Or to consider another angle I've heard argued; children only need the primary contact and parenting of one parent. Trends in this prehistoric and baseless line of thinking are certainly changing but statistics in custody orders shows it still remains.

Another factor, the State and Friend of The Court, FOC, have a vested interest in custody arrangements that in language, allows for child support to be ordered. In short, the Federal Government subsidizes the Sate for every dollar of child support collected. Hence the FOC's primary role is that of a child support enforcement agency. Further ironic is that these support payments actually pay for the FOC's existence, as well as the running of various other title IVD agencies. I've come to know some good and caring people of integrity in the family court system but clearly, they're others who refuse to look beyond the cash flow, or care about the harm that is done to children when a parent is disenfranchised to nothing more than a financial sponsor to their children.

I'm all for parents, both parents, financially providing for their children but we're far overdue in fixing this insanity of access and support. I might add that it's a statistical fact; most dads, somewhere around 90%, who have contact with their children, pay their court ordered child support. It's further noted that compliance seems to correlate with time, the more contact they have the more they're compliant in making payments. Well here then is a novel idea; how about we do what is truly in the best interest of children and despite a parents protest, despite a gender bias line of thinking or an FOC workers off the wall recommendation, how about the system steps up the number of shared parenting awards and gives a willing parent the integrity of a parental role, something that in language and time reflects the equal importance they have in the lives of their children. Statistics indicate that this would in fact, increase compliance with regard to child support payments. And as well, a dad's increased time in parenting has been shown in countless ways to pay other sorts of dividends to a child's well being. But I guess this sort of information doesn't interest the Lifetime network. It won't, after all, play as well to the audience they've targeted any more than a shared parenting concept plays to a system or politician who is only concerned about cash flow or a special interest group who can't get beyond a political agenda.

Kids need more than money, they need both of their parents in a real parental role, regardless of their parents marital circumstances.

Deadbeat or Dead Broke?

Kevin,

Thank you for making us aware of yet another pathetic attempt to scapegoat dads in the ongoing insanity that is divorce or in a growing number of cases, never marrieds. I remember writing about this issue last May when, as you noted, it was the Fox network who was considering the airing of "Bad Dads." It was offensive then and it remains offensive that any part of the media would lack such integrity as to produce a program that unfairly depicts one segment of a population in an effort to play to the emotions and drama of another. If "Lifetime" was truly interested in the truth, they would balance this issue out with why a minority of men fail to pay their child support. And the research shows that it is, in fact, a minority of dads who fail to pay. Most dads break their back sides to financially support their children and remain a part of their lives, despite often facing difficult challenges in their efforts to doing so. It's further ironic that according to federal government data, the overwhelming majority of "deadbeat dads" earn poverty level wages - only 4% earn even $40,000 a year. I guess Lifetime” forgot to check that source of information. The fact of the matter is that most dads who are classified as dead beat are actually dead broke.

I've also read that according to US Census data, non custodial mothers are 20% more likely to default on their child support obligations than non custodial fathers. Now maybe it’s just me but does anyone else find it misleading and unfair to name a show, or coin a phrase "Deadbeat Dads" when the average non custodial father is more likely to pay his child support than the average non custodial mom?

I have to say, the number of insightful responses to this blog is exciting to read. I hope everyone who has written in or has read Kevin’s post will go one step further and join me in sharing your thoughts with Lifetime network's switchboard at 310 556-7500. We shut this down last year at Fox and if we stay together, we can do it again with Lifetime.

Thriving Resilience

Thank you, Tammy, for your valued and insightful comments on two different blogs. With regard to parenting techniques that help our children to thrive, I couldn't agree more that allowing them to explore and express their creativity additionally works to help them be confident and creative in other aspects of life. One of the most important of those aspects is an ability to think outside the box and problem solve through various life issues. I took a "love and logic" approach to encouraging my son to do that early on and like you with your daughters, I can see even at 5 years old how it's paying dividends for him. I'm not sure it's going to feel like "dividends" for us when our kids are this creative in adolescence but I couldn't be more proud…

Daddy-Style Parenting

Bob,

Refreshing, indeed that research validates our parenting styles as different but also, that it clarifies how both are equal important to the good and healthy development of children. And further, that regardless of a marital status, kids need the ongoing and active involvement of each parent.

Thanks for the continued support and encouragement my friend. One hug from "Uncle Bob" is on its way…

How Stupid Do Mother’s Think We Are?

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Kevin,

I guess it depends on the mom. The one you described certainly reflects biases and I wonder if she truly understands how deeply they drive the assumptions she made. I’ve had opposite experiences but it still feels like, in general, there remains a number of moms who categorize and minimize our value and insights in parenting. I had to laugh because it was only this past weekend that I had my own Target Department Store experience. It seems the woman in my scenario, I'm not sure if she was a mom but I had never seen her before in my life, came out of no where to let my son know she didn't care for the way he was seated in our shopping basket. She started using some sort of physics analogy as a metaphor to tell my five year old what would happen if he didn't sit correctly in the cart. She crossed the line, or at least it felt that way to me, a little further when she told me how her dad use to set limits with she and her nine siblings in similar circumstances, seemingly suggesting that I need to take note and assuming that there was some sort of limit to be set.

I asked my son if he had a clue what this concerned woman was talking about. He assured me that he didn't so I explained that she was telling him if he lost his balance and fell over the side of the cart, he would probably bust his head on the floor. D.J. then confirmed he understood but was confident, as was I, that as long as we're stationary, he has great balance and won't fall, and he didn't. Nor in the hundred or so other shopping trips we've taken has he ever fallen, been hit by a car while walking with me in the parking lot or been abducted by aliens along the way! Clearly, I'm taking precautions to insure my child's safety but that doesn't include a rubber suit and hard hat for every situation.

I agree with Kevin's premise; assumptions are telling of deeper beliefs but when beliefs are held without any real understanding or evidence to substantiate their accuracy, they usually end up being short sited, over reactive and filled with non sense.

Staying the Course

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I for one, have had the opportunity to see children react to males in the classroom during the early days of my daughters pre-school experiences with Head Start. Children aren't used to seeing males, and when they do, it's a real postivie experience. At least it was for me. The kids made me feel special, and I really enjoyed the interaction with them.

staying the course

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Certainly being there is essential. Providing affirmation of the love we feel (call it pride) just being with them and seeing them do new things. Accepting them when they experiment and turn the house and your schedule upside down, and being happy that they are the little person they are, because tommorrow this person will be gone and a new one will be developing. But we must be there for them when we are trying to get around and over difficult spots so that they see how they can persist with their trials. This often has to do directly with what they are doing at the time. We then get the opportunity to show them that they have met their challenge because once we met our challenge we can enlist them to help solve their own.

Thanks for the opportunity to comment.

Who Brags More?

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Kevin,

I've never really thought about it but now that you mention it, I believe there is a difference. I don't think, though, that it's as much that dad's "brag" more about their children as it is that, generally speaking, we communicate differently than moms. My experience is that in much the same way men and woman communicate differently about a multitude of other things, we also speak in a different style about our children.

Just like men, again, generally speaking, are more likely to cut to the chase and get to the point, and were not at all bashful about "trash talking" when our favorite sports team has done well [it's been a little quiet around here in that venue] we also tend to be a lot more loud and proud in verbally communicating our feelings as they relate to our children's accomplishments. Moms, on the other hand, and true to what tends to be more reflective of a woman's style, tend to speak about the details, and perhaps a little less directly to the accomplishment and are probably a little more concerned about how what they are saying may be received. My female colleagues also tell me that how woman communicate with each other, regardless of what the subject is, remains far different than how they communicate with us. I've reassured them that likewise, we men talk differently to other men than we do to woman but as you might expect, they already knew that...

But what I find even more intriguing is how differently dads and moms communicate to their children. It's certainly not a competition, each gender brings equally essential styles and aspects of what children need to thrive but, as I suppose it's intended to be, it's different. I'll end by saying how proud I am of my boy! D.J. is the smartest, best looking, most charming five year old you'll ever meet, and he gets it all from his dad... Now of course, anyone who buys all of that, I also want to speak with them about a piece of real estate I'm selling but I really am proud of my son. And I make sure to tell him because at the end of the day, he's the one who matters most in hearing it.

Dads In Commercials

Rob,

Thanks for sharing this story! And thank you to the makers of Tylenol for their willingness to use a positive image of fathering to advertise one of their products. My experience is that what you described this commercial to be is a much more accurate description of dads than the countless number of other commercials, TV sitcoms and cartoons that cast us as anything but involved and capable. I hope this is a sign of some new and positive trends in advertising. The "status quo" is offensive.

How far would you go to protect your family?

In these days of dads being cast as parental idiots in Hollywood sitcoms, not to mention what they do to us in TV network cartoons, it's refreshing to see some positive press about a real life father who obviously cares deeply for his family, to the point that he's even willing to risk his life to protect theirs.

I believe this is a more accurate depiction of real life dad's, willing to step up and do what ever is necessary to take care of their family. And that doesn't change after divorce. My observation is that regardless of a marital status, or how passive or courageous a man lives his daily life, most of us will rise to the occasion to protect our children, no matter what the cost.

Thanks for sharing this story Rob. I'm not sure what I have left in the tank but I can guarantee, like real life hero dad James Spruell, I wouldn't hesitate to risk my life to protect my child's. If I were a betting man, I'd bet you would do the same. And while you might, or might not do so in a likeness to "Batman" strength, I'm confident it would most assuredly reflect a dads love and conviction to protect his wife and children which is even stronger and more meaningful than any "superhero" ever could be...

Earning a living vs. finding a job

Kevin,

I've experienced for myself, and will teach my son the same; there is indeed a difference between just trying to "find a job" and "earning a living." I believe too that the difference is often reflected in a persons satisfaction with what they ultimately end up employed in for eight plus hours a day, feeling like they're simply earning a wage to support a life style versus doing something they look forward to because it allows for their own individual skills and passions to be maximized. Obviously, the difference between the two can also affect one's motivation to even get up and go to work, let alone their commitment to working hard once they get there.

But when it comes to jobs in Michigan, I believe there's one more factor those parents you're hearing in conservation aren't really speaking to, or might not even be conscious of themselves but I believe its a factor just the same; South Eastern Michigan, relative to much of the country, doesn't rank highly as a desirable place to live. The economy clearly has a lot to do with it but I wonder how many other factors play a part, especially in a young persons mind. Consider, for example, that most major metropolitan areas have a mass transit system, the South and South West have sun and warmth through out much of the year, and the perception in general is that it's other parts of the country that are being socially, culturally and economically energized with new business and growth while we're now perceived as an old news "rust belt" region that no one wants to relocate to, and many can't wait to escape.

Don't get me wrong, I love S.E. Michigan. I was borne and raised here and continue to be committed to participating in not only it's survival, but it's return to those times when we had a quality of life and level of economic success that was a benchmark for other states to strive for. But those times, my friend, were long ago and sadly, we seem to be light years away to creating even a perception that were on a path of return to anything close. This isn't a political blog so I'll stop there but I have to say, as it relates to keeping our children here in Michigan, until our political system gets beyond the infighting, and we hold them accountable to doing so, until our state in general starts thinking out side the box and makes it inviting for new and different kinds of business to come here, we're going to continue with the perception that Michigan is not a viable place to live, work or retire.

Parental Alienation

"Rebecca's Daddy," and a great one he is, as well as others have asked that I give some clarity to the term "parental alienation" and talk about how to recognize when it's occurring. The fact is, parental alienating behavior has been around for centuries, one parent, or sometimes both, trying to turn their children against the other in an effort to maintain emotional control over a child

they perceive they're somehow at risk of losing because of the other parents influence in the childs life.

Dr. Richard A. Gardner is generally the one credited for discovering Parental Alienation Syndrome [PAS] or, at least, a syndrome is what he defined it to be. Dr. Gardener describes PAS as "a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming [brainwashing]parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."

(Excerpted from: Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome,

Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.)

Basically, this means that through verbal and non verbal attitudes, actions and mannerisms, a child is emotionally abused (brainwashed) into thinking the other parent is the enemy. This ranges from bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the children, to withholding time with their other parent to pre-arranging activities for the children that overlaps into the other parent's parenting time.

Parental alienating behavior can range anywhere from mild to severe but there are generally thought to be three types of perpetrators and stages of severity - mild, moderate and severe.

Abducting a child and trying to brainwash them into believing their other parent is somehow dangerous to them, or the alienating parent, is about as severe and malicious as it gets but even subtle devaluing remarks about the other parent is often an example of parental alienation. And as noted, so are the nonverbal cues that children are given when, for example, a parent is unable to tolerate the other's presence at activities or events, or they insist on changing a child's clothes after they return from the other parent's home, or not allowing them to bring back possessions from that parent's home all in an effort to erase their existence in the alienating parent's world. Parental alienating behavior is further abusive to children in that it places them smack in-the-middle of conflict between parents that good parenting would otherwise set boundaries around.

Make no mistake about it, children at every age are acutely attuned to the verbal and nonverbal attitudes parents maintain about each other. Children, after all, spend their entire childhood and adolescence emotionally developing and, at various levels during that process, they experience themselves as an appendage of each parent. So when parents devalue their coparent as people, as parents or in general, it's abusive to a child. Not only does it disrespect their emotional needs for an ongoing positive and consistent relationship with both parents in real parental roles, but the attitude and behavior also feels like an attack on themselves and equates to despising someone that the child has a very real need to love.

Mental health professionals are at odds regarding whether "PAS" warrants its own diagnostic code, being its own separate diagnosis versus being viewed as more of an angry and anxious acting-out that is the byproduct of some other disorder, most often an "Axis II" Personality Disorder. But one thing clinicians do agree on is that the behavior is disastrous to kids. So much so that I couldn't agree more with Zachary, from St. Clair Shores; we do, indeed, need to educate and hold those responsible for our children, particularly those responsible for their "best interests" in insuring that they understand the impact of this sort of abusive behavior and maintain zero-tolerance for its presence. And just to note, while sharing a child in time and influence after divorce is clearly a more challenging dynamic, and thus a more common trigger to parental alienation developing, there is first and foremost a personality profile that creates the potential for this sort of behavior, so it can and does occur in marriages, as well.

Why Are Mom's so Critical?

You bring up an interesting perspective, Kevin. My experience has been that in much of this dynamic, as it relates to unwarranted criticisms of dad's, criticism and control go hand in hand. Again, just my observations and experience but what I've found is that mom's who are most willing to truly "co parent," those who make that sort of effort and honestly embrace a fathers equal role of importance and active participation in parenting are less likely to be critical than those who feel they have to be the primary figure in their children's lives.

It certainly makes sense that if one is feeling like they have to be the central figure in every aspect of their parental role, they're likely to feel threatened by others who parent differently, or in some ways parent better, or that they might just otherwise never feel good enough in general because the truth is that their not feeling real good about themselves. And a common byproduct of not feeling good about yourself is to use criticism of others in a hopeless effort to rationalize that "I'm better," or at least not as bad as I'm feeling. But the fact of the matter is if they felt better about themselves, they wouldn't have such a need to criticize, or keep such a tight rein on their world and everyone in it for fear that they're going to lose everyone in it because their truly not worthy.

Being emotionally balanced means you understand a couple of important things; not only as a person but also in relationships and more specifically, in your parental role. One, you understand that no one can fill your role the way you at least have the potential to, a child is wired to want and need a mom and dad, not a competition for either, your child is not someone to win, their not something you have to compete for, at least under normal circumstances. Good parenting is also understanding, and emotionally learning to manage that children need both parents. Additionally, that it's normal and some would even argue a needed stage of development for children to have other favorite objects of admiration beyond just their parents; like a favorite teacher, a super hero to emulate, a coach to admire and a variety of best friends through out the course of their life. And hopefully, they even fall in love get married and have their own children who they love at least as much as they ever loved us, and we have loved them.

What a shame that some just can't get to this place in their own emotional stability. Kids deserve better because make no mistake about it, a person, man or woman, who is overly controlling and critical of people in general is just as likely to be controlling and critical of their children.

The Going Price For Quality Time

Rob,

It's great to have you here with us at this site. Reading your last post left me with both chills from my past and the convictions I continue to hold so strongly to in the present; being able to spend time with our children is sacred and taking the time to parent them is the most powerful legacy we will ever leave.

I graduated high school in 1976 - Go Farmington High Falcons! "Cat's In The Cradle" was getting a lot of airplay back then. I remember, like it was an hour ago, the powerful meaning the song had for me and my friends. All of us, it seemed, weren't getting the time or affirmation that we craved from our fathers. Mine was a bit more complicated in that my dad had passed away approximately 5 years earlier and, for obvious reasons, "Cat's In The Cradle" had, and continues to have, its own special meaning to me. But I can hum it to myself a lot differently today; I survived the challenges of adolescence without a dad, as well as adolescence in general...

But long before I ever took my first psychology class, the void my father's death left in my life also left me with a deep understanding that children are wired to need a father's love, guidance and affirmation at least as much as they need a mom's. Filling that need, however, can only occur when there is a quantity of time to support a quality of parenting, something more than every other weekend or sporadic contact that takes less priority than a hectic work schedule or some other life style that is less than condusive to the needs of children.

Money will afford you a lifestyle, and fame can get you through some doors, but it's relationships that sustain us. You can never replace time. Press on Rob, I hope you find a job soon but may it never take you away, in any consistent segments of time, from the more important and meaningful time you spend parenting your children.

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