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Kids need both parents
Your post is an interesting and powerful argument that shared parenting orders should be the rule, rather than the exception. In most custody cases, both parents are willing and able to participate in shared parenting. It's a tragedy that so many parents, dads or moms, spend so much money and time fighting over their roles when their children are in need of both of them equally. It's also sad that the thousands of dollars they're spending on attorneys and court fees is money that could be used for other things like vacations with their kids, or sports and other extra calicular activities and obviously, with the rising costs of education it's money that could be put away for college.
Absolutely! Shared parenting, by definition in the Michigan Parenting Time Guidelines and multitudes of research that conclude what common sense dictates, is presumed to be in the best interest of children yet it remains the exception rather than the rule in a majority of custody and parenting time orders. Trends are slowly, but absolutely, changing but when parents disagree, the system remains unnecessarily expensive and ripe for manipulation and that has to change.
Thanks for your comments,
Larry
Sportsmanship.
I really like this article. I recently have my girls in their first baseball games this past summer. The sports club the we belong to, feel that "it is just a game, and the children are there to have fun and learn". This is my feeling of there first time as well. I really would not have enjoyed the game, nor would my children if the coaches were in it just to win. The league was for children 6 - 12 years old and most of the coaching teams did not keep score, everyone was a winner. A good time was had by all. However, in the major leagues, of the same club, kids that were 13 - 16 where an umpier was used, that was a whole different ball game. Pareent were acting as if money was placed on the game. My children saw this behavior and were shock by what the hear and saw. We had to leave quickly. Over all, they had a really good time for there first experience at baseball, now we are off to soccer.
Dad's Time/Enhances
I so much enjoy reading your posts. You do a great job of capturing the essence of what a dad feels and the dedication dads have to their children. Your commitment and love for your Son comes across loud and clear, he's a lucky little boy to have you and I'll bet he would be the first to confirm that.
Keep up the great job you're doing, Larry, in educating and setting examples for others who struggle to find meaningful ways to parent after divorce. It's sad and terribly bad parenting when a parent tries to take the other parent out of the mix of parenting, trying to make them an every other weekend visitor rather than a real parent who participates in the lives of their children in real time. Children obviously need more to avoid a damaging legacy being left in what truly is the most significant legacy, men and woman a like, will ever leave.
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I couldn't agree more that when parents fight through their children, competing for a child's time, love Etc, it's obviously a statement of deeper lying issues that good parenting requires a person get resolved. Research concludes what common sense dictates; in both married and unmarried families, children do best when their parents work together to each participate in primary elements of parenting. This means, of course we have to establish some clear and consistent boundaries and the boundaries are first and foremost with ourselves; making sure the need our children have for a consistent and healthy relationship with their other parent isn't frustrated in any way by the angry hurt feelings we might still be harboring towards them. Good parenting recognizes that fact and is reflected in real efforts towards establishing that sort of a cooperative dynamic.
A father style of parenting
Hey Larry, I could not agree with you more. Rough and tumble play with our children shows them how to be aggressive when it is need and how to be soft when that time is called for. I know that when I play with my girls in that manner, I am rewarded with more confident girls, girls that are more well rounded whether in sports or every day activities. Each parent brings their own strengths and weaknesses and parenting style will never be the same for any home. I have found that communication is the key to making things work. At the end of the day, my daughter are confident and generally content because both of their parents are providing a team appreach to providing what they need.
Thank you for raising this extremely important point; communication is a vital component to effective co parenting. I could write a hundred blogs about the importance of good communication but as you've noted, it really is the key, I would go so far as to say the foundation, to establishing a co parenting process that truly works in providing what our children need.
Thanks for your comments; I hope we'll here from you again.
Larry
Results
Larry, this article is well written and very thoughtful. I can certainly relate to our children teaching us at least as much as wer're teaching them. My daughters have taught me more about life and myself than anything else, or anything or any one else can. Then again, as you suggest, it's been a two way street. I've never been as dedicated to anything as I have been to parenting and loving my kids.
It is clear that you are modeling integrity to your son that he will use to guide him as he grows into a man of his on integrity. These blogs that you are doing clearly shows your dedication, love, and devotion to your son.
Keep up the great parenting and the great blogs.
Learn something meaningful in staying the course
I can not agree with you more Larry. It is the quality of time that we spend with our childen, not the quantity. Yes it is true that a two parent household is best, but that is not always the case. The small things in life is what a child will remember the most, such as sitting in the front row at a little league game or attending a recital or any other kind of performance for your child. This not only builds trust, but it also builds confidenace in the relationship between the parent and the child. Kudos on all that you do to involve yourself in your childs life.
You bring up an essential point; dedicating our time and effort to our children helps them experience that they're worth something, that their important enough to us that we prioritize their needs and structure our lives accordingly. Who wouldn't feel trust and confidence in any relationship when that sort of effort to give of ones self is being made? But in terms of a quantity versus a quality of time parenting our children, it's been my experience that the two go hand in hand. It's a cop out to say, for example, that my children have quality time with me once a week when we have dinner together or the two weeks out of the year that we take a family vacation but the remainder of our time together is "hit and miss." Kids need more and it requires a quantity of time to support a structure by which participation in various elements of parenting can occur.
Thanks for the "kudos" and for some truly insightful comments.
Larry
Dad's conference
I agree with RFox's comment, that the role of a father is vital yet all to often treated with secondary importance. Kudos to Larry and others who have put this conference together and who reach out to dads, especially those trying to parent in divorce or never married situations.
Pets and kids
My your boy really looks very content playing there with his dogs. I truely believe that animals enhance our lives and the lives of our children. My daughter have had a cat and dog at the same time, then we had a fish, that just died, now we have a pit bull dog. I know what you are thinking, but it is not true. It is all in the way that you raise the animal and treat it as to how it will behave. If you show love and respect, then the animal, no matter what kind will also show you love and respect. My girls have a great time with their dog, from throwing the ball, to playing tug of war with our stuff animals and her chew toys. This is teaching them responsiblity for someone else other then themselves.
He is indeed content and firmly attached to his dogs, and is developing an equally strong affection for his newly acquired kitten.
You raise an important point about how uninformed assumptions can often lead to gross misunderstandings in relation to dog breeds, or dogs and cats in general. What I've been told with regard to dogs, and it's been consistent with my experience, is that there are general personality traits that tend to be more prominent in specific breeds, i.e. herding breeds tend to be busier and instinctually need a job to do versus the more laid back Basset Hound. But that doesn't mean that all Basset Hounds are laid back, or that every German Shepherd or Border Collie coming out of a litter is guaranteed to be the energized bunny of dogs, it really does, much like people, come down to a given dogs personality traits and how those qualities are then nurtured and channeled.
I believe it's a generally bad practice to make uninformed assumptions about anything because it's those same short sited assumptions that fuel unwarranted actions or decisions. As this applies to pets, know and judge the personality of a given dog, not all of the hype and exploitation that seems to be running so rampant these days. One thing I absolutely recommend is to research which breed of dogs tend to be best suited for your lifestyle, or the age and personality of your children. I also recommend going to a responsible breeder or adopting at the Human Society where an animal behavioral specialist can further educate a parent in what they might expect in a breed or an individual dog that, I want to add, the Human Society is likely to have in a shelter, waiting for a good home.
Thanks for your comments. I hope you'll keep reading and that we'll hear from you again.
Larry Herren
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