| Jump to bottom |
Kids Need Both Parents
Larry,
As usual, you have made an important argument for the development co-parenting as it is truly in the best interest of children. Others who have commented have added important points to this conversation. The issue I have is with the existing legislation. While it calls a frequency of time between parents that will foster an ongoing relationship, it simply falls short too many times. The language to vague as to allow for unwarranted litigation to thwart co-parenting efforts. Of this I know you are painfully aware of, as are the numerous other parents who find themselves having to struggle in the court system to stay involved in their children's lives. The just and right thing to do is to modify the legislation so that it requires judges to begin with the presumption of "Equal Parenting Time". Only when there is clear and convincing evidence that this would be contrary to the best interests of the child would equal time between parents be modified. Until such change occurs you can expect that the one group whose best interests are being met in a consistent basis are the family law attorneys.
No question we need legislation in this matter but interestingly, while shared parenting bills are getting increased attention, many in legislation throw it back on the Court, rationalizing that there's already laws on the books calling for shared parenting to be a presumption but the courts disrespect that fact. I've herd from more than one judge, however, that their role is one of discretion in following existing law and if people want laws changed, they need to take it up with the legislation. My opinion is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle. There is, for example, pretty significant language in the law that speaks to shared parenting being in the best interest of children but it remains a judge's discretion in when and how to apply it. Trends certainly suggest a growing number on the Bench have become enlightened and start from a presumption that kids need the healthy and active involvement of both parents. But there remains those who when parents can't agree, will fall back to a gender bias protocol that often disenfranchises an otherwise good and willing parent which, as we understand, is highly detrimental to children.
But as you've pointed out, the bottom line is we need a system that serves and encourages what we clearly understand to be the in best interest of children. We need to some how ensure that there is accountability in discretion and parents, and kids, are afforded a process that allows good and willing parents equal access and participation in parenting. Further, that to achieve such an end doesn't require long drawn out and expensive litigation. Rest assured, when that becomes the system, we'll see a lot less fighting.
As always, thanks for your insightful comments, they're sincerely valued.
Larry
Kids need both parents
Larry,
In my personal case your reference to "The children have a right to parenting time unless the court determines on the record by clear and convincing evidence that parenting time would endanger the children's physical, mental or emotional health [MCL 722.27a]" is most relevant.
There were physical, mental and emotional health issues with my ex-wife that were so overwhelming that I was awarded full physical and legal custody of my children. Since my divorce I made ongoing concerted attempts to try to keep their mother in my son's lives, during the last year she barely recognizes their existance.
I agree totally with the fact that kids need both parents, and that there are many issues with our court system. In my case MCL 722.27a worked the way it was intended. For that I am grateful.
I continue to hope and pray that my children's mother will become healthy enough to once again be part of their lives and understand how much they miss sharing life with her.
Living with the reality of an emotionally ill or addicted parent is a difficult challenge in any family dynamic, intact or divorced. You're doing a phenomenal job loving your son's through this and teaching them how to love their mom while still keeping appropriate boundaries to not take on those aspects of her struggles that remain hers to resolve and prayerfully, she will resolve them.
I've herd it said, and I believe it, that love is an action word. Press on my friend, you are a bench mark in what a dads love for his children, and a man of integrity, truly looks like.
Larry
Kids need both parents
Bravo! Now only if the politicians would listen to the people who know and start acting in the best interest of the child/children. What a concept!
Good job Bud.
DP
Politics that make practical sense for kids and families, regardless of a marital status; yeah, that would be some kind of profound. But be assured, politicians understand it's a majority of voters who provide them a job. If enough parents organize and demand justice in this matter, attention will be given as evidenced by how much more attention and sponsorship shared parenting legislation is receiving. And while there is a great deal of work left to do before we can say our family court system serves the needs of a majority of children in divorce, it's the demands by parents for something better, something equitable in parenting that is also driving new and positive trends on the Bench.
Larry
KIDS NEED BOTH PARENTS
Larry, I totally agree with your statement, "Kids need both parents ! " The stateement can be backed up by numerous studies, Steve Nock, University of Virginia ,2008( Positive Economic effects of both parent namely father involvement), Philip Cowan, University of California,2009 ( reduction of parental stress, relationship quality, and reduction of children's problem behavior), Katherine Mitchell, Louisiana State University,2009 ( involvement improves well being ), and Lawrence Berger, University of Wisconsin-Madison,2008 ( Benefits to children in terms of child support compliance and financial contributions.
It is sad that many parents continue to relitigate cases that have been decided. Judges are empowered to protect children, they have the authority to protect them from parents that induce mental abuse continually by relitigating. At a minimum the moving party should cover all expenses including court costs and attorney fees for all the parties continuing to use the court as a battlefield for their own agenda. It is wise to look seriously at what one is trying to accomplish by relitigating. If one is continuing to fight and file motions, it may be wise to seek the help of a mental health professional for a complete mental health examination of competence to file motions ( One should rule out Mood disorders, Personality disorders, thought disorders and co-morbidities ). In California, when a party continues to relitigate full custody is given to the party that promotes the MOST time with the other parent. Another way of saying the same thing is that the party who files the most motions, interfering with the other parent and their time. By default and the order of the Judge, full custody goes to the parent who has to defend themselves from frivolous motions. In conclusion, a child needs both parents unless one parent is using the child as a weapon to sabotage that other parents relationship. If that is the case, the court should step in and order full custody to the parent that continues to be victimized by frivolous motions and assess court costs, attorney fees and child support obligations to the moving party who continues the fight !
WOW, thank you for sharing these studies. I'm familiar with a couple of them and as you've pointed out, they come to the same conclusion as the overwhelming majority of other shared parenting research; regardless of a marital status, children do better in every measurable way when both their parents stay actively involved in parenting them.
As you've also noted, they're any number of factors that drive continuous litigation between parents but it's telling when the effort is to modify one or the others parenting time, or their ability to participate in real elements of parenting. You mentioned personality disorders which is a real and difficult psychiatric condition. A person with "Borderline Personality," for example, has tendencies to feel persecuted and will usually have difficulty sharing those they want or feel a need to be connected to. One of a few reasons why include abandonment issues that trigger their need for a perceived sense of control and power. Obviously, these are not well suited qualities for a fair and mutual relationship and makes co parenting extra challenging. I believe you're on target, though, calling for the courts to use mental health professionals in these cases. Therapists who have clinical training in this specialty can then provide the court a better picture of what is really going on and how to respond so that the best interest of children can truly be served. Clearly, continuously trying to otherwise compete for a singular role of importance, rather than respecting a child's need for their parents to engage in mutually respectful and dual roles of parenting is not serving any ones best interest.
Thanks again for your comments, look forward to hearing from you again.
Larry
Kids need both parents
Your post is an interesting and powerful argument that shared parenting orders should be the rule, rather than the exception. In most custody cases, both parents are willing and able to participate in shared parenting. It's a tragedy that so many parents, dads or moms, spend so much money and time fighting over their roles when their children are in need of both of them equally. It's also sad that the thousands of dollars they're spending on attorneys and court fees is money that could be used for other things like vacations with their kids, or sports and other extra calicular activities and obviously, with the rising costs of education it's money that could be put away for college.
Absolutely! Shared parenting, by definition in the Michigan Parenting Time Guidelines and multitudes of research that conclude what common sense dictates, is presumed to be in the best interest of children yet it remains the exception rather than the rule in a majority of custody and parenting time orders. Trends are slowly, but absolutely, changing but when parents disagree, the system remains unnecessarily expensive and ripe for manipulation and that has to change.
Thanks for your comments,
Larry
Kids Need Both Parents
No doubt about it, Larry, I completely agree. I also think a common reason why divorced or never married parents try to restrict the involvement of the other is due to painful feelings that they don't want to have to deal with. As you are well aware, it can be very hard for others to forage a co-parenting relationship when feelings are hurt and tempers are high. I think sometimes parents think if they can just get rid of that other parent they could all move on with their lives, and tend to try to avoid working through the difficult issues rather than facing them for the sake of their child's happines. Also, I think sometimes parents convince themselves that the conflict they are having with the other parent is so high that it affects the child adversely, and believe that it would be best to only have one parent or the other. Or, one parent can't stand the other parent and can't separate their own feelings enough to see that the parent/child have a natural bond that should not be severed. Basically, I think it's all about parent's not being able to rise above their own feelings and issues in order to do the ultimate loving thing for their child, which is providing and supporting a strong relationship with both parents. I know in some cases it's easier said than done, but I think people should put their kids first and the rest will follow.
As usual, Tammy hits the nail on the head in illustrating some of the core reasons that drive a parent's ambivalence to establishing healthy and effective co parenting.
No question that good parenting involves sacrifices which include resolving hurt and angry feelings so that appropriate perspectives in the need children have for complete and whole relationships with both parents can be kept. Like the "Smile Program" says; the greatest gift you can give your child is permission to love their other parent but that requires putting your children first which sadly, remains an ongoing struggle for some. Reasons why include any number of axis 2 personality disorders but we'll save that for another blog.
Larry| Jump to top |
