MichDads Blog

Category: Roles of fathers

Study confirms importance of inviting dads, too

This week I read about a new study in the Journal of Marriage and Family examining the effects of focusing social services programs on mothers as opposed to parents in general. Researchers at the University of California Berkeley found that (news flash!) such programs end up excluding fathers, which turns out to be bad for children.

The study, funded by the California Department of Social Services Office of Child Abuse Prevention, compared father-only programs to general parenting programs and to a control group. The main findings:

- The behavioral and psychological involvement of fathers significantly increased when fathers were given the tools to be more effective parents alone or with the mothers.

- Parenting stress decreased when fathers and mothers participated in the groups together.

- Conflict within couples grew in the control and fathers-only groups, but when fathers and mothers went through the groups together, the quality of their relationships as couples remained stable for more than a year after the groups ended.

- Children of fathers who went through the program alone or with the mothers were much less aggressive, hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn than children of fathers in the control group.

The study's authors concluded that too few programs are targeted at mothers and fathers together, keeping alive the social assumption that raising children is something for women, not men.

I have been working in the field of parenting (and fathering) education for a decade, and I am happy to report that more programs are aimed at parents in general and fathers (as opposed to mothers alone). This is a terrific trend for a number of reasons, many of which are made clear by the Berkeley study. Perhaps someday soon we will finally see the end of those Mommy and Me classes that claim to be open to all parents.

Category: Roles of fathers

The best dad for your child is you

Who's the "best" dad? What does a good dad look like? I was intrigued the other day when a few of us dads were talking about it and we all seemed to come to this matter-of-fact conclusion at the same time: no one can be a better dad to our children than we can.

We agreed, for example that while there may be some who more closely resemble superheroes in their younger, more physically fit and "cooler" stature, or others who are more scholarly and perhaps mechanically inclined, it's only us who can provide our children a DNA firsthand understanding of where they come from. No one else can better explain the certain physical features or personality traits that might bcome from generations of tradition. Or maybe it's a fear, passion or dream that no one can more deeply understand and equally important, help our children resolve or realize because it's the same challenges, passions and dreams that we've experienced.

I know my son and being able to predict how he will feel about something or how he's going to respond is one of the most amazing phenomenons I've ever experienced. It's also a riot to watch him react with, "How did you know I was going to say or do that?!". Granted, if you spend enough time with anyone you come to a similar understanding for what they feel or how they're likely to respond. But what makes a parent-child relationship so different is that we know because we've actually contributed to the character they're developing and the person they're growing to be.

I see a lot of me in my son and while that sometimes frightens me, God help the boy, it's also deeply gratifying to know that I've been blessed with such an awesome privilege and responsibility.

It makes it even more meaningful to see other generations of family in my child whose influences have definitely contributed to the better part of the man I've become. In fact, when I look back on my life, I'm struck that my parents and grandparents were right; at the end of the day, or a life, you come to realize it's relationships that matter most. Money can buy a lifestyle and notoriety can open doors but it's relationships that sustain us.

Nothing we do is as important or meaningful as the time and effort we give to our children. What they take from us in a relationship will be illustrated in this life long after we've passed on. That makes parenting our children the greatest legacy we can ever leave.

Category: Roles of fathers

Daddy-style of parenting holds essential worth

I read an intriguing article published in Reader's Digest titled "What Dads Are Made Of." The article surmises how parenting styles of dads tend to be more unconventional, framing dads as the more likely to parent outside the box.

In general, we're opposite of moms who tend to be more concerned with nurturing and creating law and order. But for all our mischief, the article points out, dads are doing something very right. The same daddy-like interactions that may annoy moms significantly contribute to a child's social skills and success in school.

"Children's social, physical and intellectual development significantly benefits from the involvement of fathers," Kyle Pruett, MD, professor of child psychiatry at Yale and author of "Fatherneed," notes in the article. The intellectual gains are measurable as early as the first year of life and continue to show up through high school, especially when dads, together with moms, are actively involved in school and learning.

The experts tend to believe fathers create this intelligence advantage, as well as many others, in three important ways: how they play, interact in everyday situations and teach.

In play, the article discussed how fathers tend to be more arousing and unpredictable with kids from the start. They rock infants more and roll around with them in floor play. Babies as young as 8 weeks old notice the difference between a mom's protectiveness and a dad's stimulation. When pediatric researcher Michael W. Yogman, MD, videotaped 2-month-olds, for example, the infants showed special signs of excitement when their fathers approached. Further "rough and tumble" play with dad has benefits in teaching a child strengths and limitations. "Kids who learn these early social skills from their fathers do better with peers," said Ross Parke, distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside and author of "Fatherhood."

The article also discussed how "Dad as explorer and expert" helps children explore and understand their world beyond their own backyard. From our earliest moments, dads help us face the world, differing, for example, in how they tend to hold their infants out, which which provides a broader view of the sights and sounds around them. Other helpful contrasting styles include a dad asking his child for help with yard work, opening the door to informal teachable moments about biology and botany. Kids value the information and novelty, and their conversations about real things - what educators call "science process talk" - create the curiosity and problem-solving skills needed for science and math.

With regard to "Dad as unique teacher," the shortage of male teachers in preschools and elementary schools means most kids miss out on the unique competence men can share making it even more important for dads to be involved at home. Reading together is one way to do this. The books a father selects and how he reads them and talks about them strongly influence kids' language development, reading skills and general knowledge, according to Pruett.

Experts agree "daddy-style" reading makes an academic difference. The article noted that a Michigan study found that girls whose fathers read to them showed much higher verbal skills and the stakes for boys might be even higher. When a father doesn't model reading, a son may believe reading is not an activity meant for males and when boys don't read for pleasure, it's further consequential to their fluency, word recognition and knowledge base.

The article talked about the importance of encouraging time with Dad. Parke suggested that while moms might sometimes be concerned about how that will affect sleep, safety or cleanliness, they should pick their battles and remember that dads engage more with their children "when they're considered partners in parenting and not merely helpers; let a father choose the activity and he'll be much more enthusiastic."

Even when it's a "split" household, a dad's presence in his children's lives remains vital. "We have a saying: There are ex-husbands but no ex-fathers," Parke said. The studies on divorce are quite clear: Children do well when they know their father cares. For example, he can supplement physical time with telephone calls, letters or e-mails.

Parke concludes that while moms and dads are different "their distinctive styles of caretaking complement each other perfectly to the advantage of children."

I agree. Kids need the healthy involved parenting of both parents.

Category: Roles of fathers

Your kids are watching you

Do your kids ever receive mixed messages from you? As with all cases, consistent and persistent messages from you, followed by consistent and persistent behavior from you, is one of the strongest and most dynamic methods by which you can convince your kids to avoid the life of the Use of Illicit Substances (UIS).

For example, do you daily preach the evils of UIS and then occasionally come home from a party in an inebriated state? Do you sternly lecture your kids about the dangers of UIS and then fill the air of your basement's back room under the stairs with cigarette smoke? Do you strike fear in your kids about the perils of UIS and then rent a movie that glorifies drug use?

You are an adult and you can make adult choices. Therefore, I am not trying to pass along my views on how a parent should go about his or her personal business. However, I will tell you this: The words you speak to your kids are very important. They will internalize your words, as well as their intent, and they will make life decisions based upon the direction that you give to them.

However, your actions speak much more loudly and with more clarity than your words ever will! While your words are important, over time your kids will respond and shape their lives in accordance with your actions more than with your words. In simple terms, if you want your kids to avoid the dead-end road of Use of Illegal Substances, your actions will need to be consistent with your words 100 percent of the time with no exceptions! Nobody ever said parenting would be easy.

Yes, somebody is watching you, but it's not Big Brother - it is your children!!

Category: Roles of fathers

Dads should keep a pulse on our legacies

The Ninth Annual Midwest Father Conference was an amazing day. Our keynote speaker, Jeff Zaslow, was excellent and I think it's safe to say his message, and the wisdom and passion with which he delivered it, was inspiring to all. He certainly left me inspired and even more convinced that we need to stay convicted in keeping a pulse on the legacy we're leaving as dads.

One of the many messages in Jeff's presentation that continues to resonate with me was his use of a metaphor to describe Randy Pausch's effort for his children, a dying man who, knowing he wouldn't be able to physically be there for his children, wanted to leave a part of himself in a bottle that would one day wash up on shore for them. Wow, that one brought tears to my eyes.

I lost my dad to cancer when I was still a child and I'm amazed at how, some 38 years later, the experiences we shared and the time we had still "washes up" to deliver the fatherly wisdom and guidance I so deeply value. His legacy in so many ways is living through me and more recently, through his grandson. My boy reminds me a lot of his granddad and the older I get, the more I see my father in me.

It's in this way, the time we spend with our children and the examples we set, that we need to have a pulse on the legacies we're leaving. I've worked with clients and known other people who never even knew their dads, but years later their absence in the lives of their children continues to leave a void that nothing else can fill. I'm glad to say I've known a greater number who tell me their fathers were part of their lives and they give them credit for the integrity, perseverance and love they have.

Now that's the kind of legacy I want to leave for my child.

Category: Roles of fathers

Children who spend time with fathers have higher IQ, study finds

Have you ever wondered how much difference a father's active involvement in parenting, on every front of their children's lives, really makes? We've spent a great deal of time talking about it here, but I thought I'd pass along one more piece of research that well-known fatherhood advocate and writer Glenn Sacks recently reported on. (I'd also like to thank Jim Semerad from "Dads and Moms of Michigan" for making me aware of this study:

Ned Holstein, MD, MS, Executive Director of Fathers & Families, has an interesting new piece on an English study that found that father involvement has a large, positive effect on children's intelligence and success. Holstein writes: Published in the summer of 2008, this study looked at all the children born in Britain in a single week in March, 1958. When the children were eleven years old (1969), the mothers were asked, "How involved is the father in the management of the child?" In the same year, the children took an IQ test. Finally, the researchers looked at the children's upward social mobility at age 42 (year 2000). The researchers found some very interesting results:
* The fathers' involvement in 1969 was "equal to mother" in 62 percent of the cases;
* Children with high father involvement had significantly higher IQs at age 11 than those with low father involvement;
* By age 42, children with high father involvement had shown substantially more upward mobility than those with low father involvement;
* Fathers tended to be slightly more involved with sons than daughters, but when they did engage equally with daughters, the positive effect was just as great as for sons.

This study is just one more of a multitude that has shown a direct link between positive outcomes in child development and active father involvement. My own take is that children need to develop a strong sense of self worth to have the motivation to strive for higher goals and confidence to problem solve through the challenges that life deals them. A child's sense of worth is significantly influenced by the affirmation they receive and need to experience from both parents. Make no mistake about it, if affirmation is missing from either parent a void is created. Both parents' affirmation is important and serves equally essential but different purposes to what a child needs for healthy emotional, and evidently, intellectual development.

This affirmation only occurs when a parent spends a quantity of time in elements of parenting that are necessary to support the essence of a strong parental role.

Category: Roles of fathers

Eliot and Kwame: dads' actions more important than words

There are endless angles to the stories of Eliot Spitzer and Kwame Kilpatrick, many of them fascinating to ponder. It's hard to imagine the strain these men's marriages have come under. But I keep thinking about Eliot's three girls and Kwame's three boys.

I've never met either man. But I know Eliot Spitzer has three teenaged girls. If you ever seriously ponder acting on fantasies about some hot-lookin' babe you saw the other day, think about the talk he had to have with his girls this past Sunday. It'd take a lot of little blue pills to put you back in the mood after that.

Kwame Kilpatrick's oldest boys, the twins, have entered adolescence. As they begin to struggle with what it means to be a man, their father sat down to have what he called "the most difficult conversation I've ever had to have" with them. I doubt it was so hard just because details were all over the media. Of course the pain is magnified because so many others know. But if I were Jalil or Jelani, the hardest part would be just hearing what my dad had done. That will never leave them.

But this isn't Greek tragedy only because these men are famous and powerful. It is tragic because they are fathers whose actions are far more important to their children than their words. Our kids don't care too much what we say; but, oh, how they watch what we do. When temptation comes banging on the door of Eliot and Kwame's kids, and it will come knockin' in many forms, they will think about how their fathers handled it.

Too often, men express themselves either through anger or sex. We need to learn more emotional language. To say that is not an excuse. It's a fact. I struggle with trying to help my son gather a variety of fruits for his emotional basket, and to help my daughter learn to expect more from important men in her life. But I'm not sure I'm emotionally fluent enough for the job. I'm still learning.

In the meantime, let's expect more from each other, guys. Philandering is not a sign of potent masculinity; it's like a nuke that blows up an entire family, and it devastates our kids for longer than we might ever imagine.

Category: Roles of fathers

Help Out More and You'll Get.....

When this Detroit News article's http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080306/LIFESTYLE/803060369/1020/NATION study results played on the radio yesterday, there was a soundbite of a woman reporting that after her husband helped with the housework, "let's just say we had a happy night that night!" LOL

It's no surprise that the electronic media would play up the "help out and you'll get some" angle of this story. Hey, sex sells. It's really just a bit of academic support for what I posted a few days ago, though the major focus of the study seemed to be on housework rather than childcare. Still, the idea is the same. What I found most interesting about the article was the quote flatly stating that things have "profoundly and irreversibly changed." Men are doing more. That's no news flash to anyone on this blog, but a lot more such articles have to come out before enough people "get it" to get us to critical mass where we can get the men in these new roles the support they need and deserve.

When women powered their way into the workforce in the last generation, it was wrenching, scary, ugly and painful for many participants, as well as for the families they had at home. My own mother was in the first wave to hit the beach. It still is rough in some ways, but the seismic jolt has settled to aftershocks. All along the way, media documented the shift at least proportionately to the significance of the societal change. And even more important, women talked to each other, supported each other, counseled each other with every brave step, and misstep they took.

Men don't do that last part, at least as it concerns family life, worth a darn. Never really have. And the media has been slow on the uptake (to put in kindly) about what is going on in homes all across this country. It's easy to throw up our hands and say, "forget it, we'll just do it on our own." But this job of a revolution, even a stealthy one, is too big for that. Individually, we aren't supermen, anymore more than "supermoms" (another media-created myth). But if we talk to each other, support each other, admit our fears, share our successes, celebrate our strengths and remember that we are FAR from alone, we can do amazing things.

Maybe even someday, there can be an article like this one that quotes someone from Working Father magazine (OK, that's ridiculously redundant, eh?) or we can flip through some glossy pages at the grocery checkout from the latest issue of Involved Dads. It's good to dream....

Category: Roles of fathers

A tale of two dads

Happy New Year everyone! I had the good fortune of going skiing one day over the break with my wife and two children. As we often do, we took turns skiing with them. During my hour "off," I hung out in the dining room observing the world while trying to read a book. During that time I saw two very different approaches from dads.

The first dad I saw came in with his wife and three young kids to have lunch. The youngest, a boy of about 5, was not a happy skier. He cried, sobbed, cried, moaned and cried some more at the table, as best I could tell because he didn't want to sit next to his sister. Nothing Mom did would quiet him, but it wasn't because she didn't try. I heard her say "If you don't stop right now, we'll take you back to the room and you can just sit there," and then "Next time we'll just get a sitter and leave you!" Based on overhearing their talk about how much money they'd already spent, I doubt the veracity of either of those threats. Next time I looked, I saw Dad across the table with his head turned away from the sniveling dude, saying "Don't look at me," then whipping his head around to say "I caught you looking!" By about the third time he did this, the boy was gut laughing. Between my own chuckles I thought how common that kind of gimmick is for dads to pull off.

A few minutes later, a man came in with his two kids, a girl about 11 and a boy I'd put at 15, with no mom in tow. Dad had his iPod plugged into both ears, which clearly had him engrossed. While his kids ate their lunches (Dad was fasting, I guessed), they stared straight ahead, as did he. I checked my watch as soon as I saw this interesting little mime, and for 8 SOLID MINUTES Dad didn't say a single word to his kids. Brother and sister spoke a bit, and Dad checked his iPhone twice. Otherwise they all varied looks between catatonic and just plain bored. I couldn't help but wonder about the tales of morning skiing that might be shared, but Dad heard none of it at that moment. Finally, after 8 minutes, he took out his earplugs to ask the boy a question about Mom's whereabouts, and a bit of conversation followed.

Both dads' actions were a little stereotypical in their own way: dads are prone to want to goof around more with their kids, and more often than women, they fall in love with gadgets and technology. But after spying on them each for a few minutes, I knew for sure which of the two I wanted to emulate.

Category: Roles of fathers

'Daddy Wars' declared!

I just read a very interesting article in USA Today about workplace tensions rising as more dads go after family time. Among other things, it declares that "Daddy Wars" are underway. Maybe our struggles have been legitimized when the mass media give them a cutesy name, eh? It's worth reading; among a recent survey's more surprising findings to me is that 71 percent of dads take paternity leave when it's offered. I'm presuming this means paid paternity leave, which is still a rarity in corporate America. Even so, just a few years ago, most men feared taking it because of how it could make them look like slackers. There's no doubt things are changing, largely because a new generation of men don't want to make the same mistakes their parents did. Some of these were latch-key kids, whose parents worked 60-80 hours a week so they could drive Caddys and buy McMansions. These guys have seen that that didn't lead fathers or children to Shangri-la, so they're creating tension to affect change. Good for them!

One quote from the article struck me: "Mothers are working and making major incomes, so it's forcing dads to step into the household role," Don Winter said. "There are fewer men going on to college. Women, for many years to come, are going to be more successful. So guys are seeing their roles shift. They're having to take on more of a domestic role."

That struck me as a judgmental call that the domestic role is subservient, secondary or at least less successful than a traditional career path. I wonder if either Mr. Winter or the author even picked up on that.

I think we'll do ourselves and our children a favor when we stop presuming that raising children in an involved way, whether you're the main breadwinner or not, is somehow less important to society, or less fulfilling than climbing the corporate ladder. Whether it's men or women or hopefully both filling this role, they are not secondary. They are enriching their own lives and those of their children.