MichDads Blog

Category: Life lessons

Creating memories doesn't take money, just time

I'm forever amazed at how despite the money we spend in an effort to create lasting memories for our children, it's the actual interactions they have with us, spontaneous and free of charge, that seem to impact them the most.

I'm struck, for example, that like the summers before I spent a ton of money on vacations this past summer but at the end of the day, it wasn't the frills of a fancy hotel that D.J. remembers, it's skipping rocks with me off the hotel's shoreline and going swimming. Although the thrill rides and exhibits we visited were certainly worthwhile, there isn't any combination of rides put together that excites him as much as the two of us tobogganing down a hill together or any exhibit that can compete with everything he takes out of hiking in the woods with me and our family dog.

Whether we're fishing, riding bikes, headed out to the cider mill or pitching a tent in the backyard, these simple activities and interactions are the ones that fill our children with lifelong memories. In addition, they provide our kids a sense of confidence that they're loved and worth our time and effort.

There's also the opportunity we have to teach our children academically. Just about every piece of research being done in this area has concluded that children do better academically when both parents participate in their education. Helping with homework, reading to and with our children, visiting the library together and doing math problems all equate to a favorable outcome. In an otherwise stressful and challenging economy, it's also noteworthy to mention that all of these activities are anywhere from inexpensive to free.

What are some of the simpler ways you've created memories for your children?

Category: Life lessons

Gray areas of parenting make it hard to know what to do

The whole weekend revolved around Cub Scout activities and when you get that many boys mixed together with adults trying to teach them how to be men, there are bound to be a few lessons.

The biggest event of the weekend, and one of the biggest of the year, was the Pine Car Derby. My son and I helped set up the track the night prior to race day (which you would think would be easier considering the amount the men with advanced degrees there) and that started the ball rolling on the first and most conscious life lesson of the weekend for my son.

This was the first car I had been involved in building for more than 25 years. My son is also one of the few members of the pack who is the elder boy in the family, so we were really unprepared for the level of racing that was going to take place. Because we were helping set up, we got to do a couple of practice runs. Every time my son would race, he would come in dead last. Not just behind everyone else, but so far behind that his car would have been faster without wheels. A father standing next to me told me that when his son first raced he came in last, too, but was excited about being sixth! We also talked over some tips that most of the Scouts did with their cars that I hadn't thought of. When my son came up to us, the other father tried to play that being sixth place was the greatest thing. I followed along and my son really thought being sixth was great, but that was only the first race.

As the practice races continued, my son came to realize that sixth place sucked. By now, it was past his bedtime and even the excitement of the Derby couldn't overcome his tiredness and he was getting crabby. As we walked to the car to go home, he started to get upset. My son screamed out, "Dad! You should have made a faster car!" I knew I couldn't let that slide, so I stopped him, bent down and told him of how proud I was of this car that he and I made together. I told him about how we learned things that will make next year's car better. Please note that I said next year's car. I'll bring this up again in a moment.

The ride home seemed long as my mind was racing with trying to figure out what was more important: Do I keep his car as it is for tomorrow and have him come in last place for 12 straight races? What lessons would he learn? Or do I run out and buy the dry lube the other father suggested? What would my son learn from that?

I also remembered when I was a Cub Scout and had the car that came in last place. Back then I remember it as "one and out." You either won and continued or you went to the broken track and raced meaningless races with the other "one and out"ers. What did I learn then? I learned that losing sucks, which is something my son seemed to have already learned. The question is, how well did he learn it? I also learned a little about cars. My first car was the standard wedge that seemed so fast in all my years of drawing. Realizing that aerodynamics weren't as important as shear weight, I made my next car bulkier. I also learned to spend more time on the wheels than paint. My second car did well enough for a small trophy.

The question now was if I could suck out the year of learning between my first and second year racing and still teach my son the same thing. Not so much if he would learn, but how well would he learn them. When I got home and listened to him tell his mom about how his car did, I decided I would at least try.

It was already late when we got home, but this was going to be the stuff of family legends. Once everyone went to bed, I headed to the only two 24-hour stores I knew of that might carry what I needed. Neither of them had the carbite dry lube allowed. It was about 1 a.m. when I returned home with nothing that would make his car go faster, but I wasn't done. The next morning I got up at 5 a.m. to get to the mega-hardware store as soon as it opened. After searching each aisle, I found a spray that said Dry Lubricant. Would this do the trick? I wasn't sure, but bought it and sprayed a little on the side of my truck to test it. It was not what I needed! At that point, I gave up.

We had to be at the track at 8 a.m. and I still needed to shower. I got in my truck to leave, but turned around at the exit and decided to give it one last try. Back in the store, I approached the main desk, told the woman what I needed and she turned around and walked to a wall display behind her. It turns out what I was looking for is primarily used in locksmithing so it was kept by the key-making desk instead of in the main part of the store. I thanked her many times over and raced home.

No one was awake when I got home, so I took my shower and got dressed. By the time I was done, my son was awake and still in his jammas. He wasn't as excited this morning as he was the night prior, so I showed him what I bought. We sat at the table and carefully poured the lubricant into the first wheel of his car. This was where I was able to actually show him the lesson. I explained that the first time we made the car we didn't know much about it. Once we tested it, we learned and adjusted. Now I compared the wheel that we lubed with one of the wheels we didn't. He could see how well the lubed one ran. His excitement came rushing back. He wanted to do the other three wheels and as soon as we were done he ran in his room and got dressed faster than I've seen him do it in a long time. It felt good.

To make a long story less long, my son came in third place. Granted, there were only four kids in his age group, but he got a bigger trophy and his car was close in all the races instead of the mile behind it was the night before. That made all the difference.

Category: Life lessons

Who's teaching who? Kids share amazing lessons

One of the things I value most about our church's minister is his conviction to teach something extra on Sundays. It's not that salvation, and what goes into having it, isn't the most important part of his sermon, but I appreciate that his message includes the need for personal growth and paying attention to life-learning opportunities.

This past Sunday was a prime example. Pastor Ed challenged the congregation to adopt attitudes that resemble those of children, because it's in their examples of a trusting, carefree and loving attitude that we're more likely to resolve our adult pride and conditions to being accepting and forgiving of others. He elaborated how children also maintain a sense of wonder and fascination about life that we often lose with age.

He used an example of a couple of friends who were out for a day of duck hunting to illustrate just how entrenched we can become in a negative mind set: The one fellow was as negative as one could be and his friend wanted to help him find something, anything to break his rut of an attitude. So after shooting a duck from the sky, he sent his new prized retriever in to the water to fetch it. Watch this, the friend told him. The dog jumps out of the boat, runs on top of the water, retrieves the bird and brings it back to his owner without getting a drop of water on anyone. The man turns to his pessimistic friend and asks, What do you think about that? The man replies, That dog can't swim, can he?

I've had such moments of my own. At fifty-something, though, I'm having more moments of the opposite due, in great part, to a different sort of zest for life that is being modeled to me by one little bright and wondrous 5-year-old who I'm thrilled and humbled to call my son. It's amazing to me how he wakes up every day with a desire to learn and an internal drive to explore his world and expand it. He has a passion for life that inspires me. His demand that life be fun and his creativity to make it so remind me that even in the most serious of tasks, we should find some humor to lighten the load. I find it ironic that although I've made a conscious effort to teach my child and live examples that afford him the sort of blueprint he needs to thrive, at the end of the day I'm not sure it isn't him who has taught me even more. I suppose the truth is that it's a mix.

I'm never going to win any genius award and God knows I'm not perfect. But the more time I spend parenting the more I understand that biblical passage Christ so clearly articulated, that unless we change and become like little children, we'll never get in to the kingdom of heaven.

Category: Life lessons

Lake Shore drunken driving tragedy hits home

Family members gathered Monday to lay to rest the fourth Lake Shore student who died last week after the car they were riding in was struck by an alleged drunken driver.

These stories were difficult to cover when I was a reporter, and it is not any easier now that I am not a member of the press.

The images of the families and friends of these four teens was heartbreaking. Four high schools students whose lives were cut short.

Their families and friends will be forever scarred. Holidays, graduations and other moments of life will have a void without these young people.

This will be tough for family members and will only be made more difficult as this case goes through the court system. Thankfully the victim advocates from MADD and the Macomb County Prosecutor's Office, along with the prosecutor who handles the case, will be there to explain the process.

Hopefully some good will come from this case.

Awareness about drunken driving will be increased, those who drink will think about this accident before they get behind the wheel and maybe it will bring teens and their families closer together.

I have many years before my kids start going out with friends, but I am already getting those concerns that my parents had when I went out.

These four teens went out on a Monday night for pizza. Something innocent and part of every high school students life. But in one quick moment their lives were cut short.

Now I know why parents wanted to know where I was going, who I was with and when I would be home. And why my parents cared so much -- because you can be the best kid in the world, but you don't know who else is out there.

Sadly, the Lake Shore community and southeast Michigan learned that lesson through this tragedy.

Category: Life lessons

Facebook shows me what is really important

I recently joined Facebook after my wife received a request from one of her friends to join. I checked it out and ended up making my own page. As I entered in my high school and college information, all sorts of long-lost friends popped up on the screen wanting to find out what I have been doing with my life.

As I reviewed everyone else's information, one person after the next seemed to have accomplished so much more than I had in the same timeframe. There is the ex-girlfriend who was an ER nurse, turned lawyer now married to a doctor. The old football buddy who got his MBA and now runs a large company and travels frequently. There is also the old lockermate who lives the vagabond lifestyle and has posted photos from all over the world.

Sure, there were people who had lives similar to mine, married with multiple kids. But one thing that I couldn't help but notice was that the people without kids looked so much healthier than the ones with kids. Even in formal family pictures where parents were as gussied up as they could be, everyone just looked so drained.

One evening when it was really starting to get to me, I sent off an e-mail to another one of my long-lost friends. In it I started talking about how I felt like I had been sitting still all these years while everyone else was accomplishing so much. I even asked, "What have I been doing with my life?" Now, I am not a regular at church but I do have a lot of faith in a higher power and it showed itself to me at that moment. As soon as I hit SEND, my two daughters, who had been playing quietly in the other room suddenly popped up where I was typing on the computer. Without a moment of hesitation they both said in their eerie simultaneous twins voice, "I want to see pictures of when I was a baby."

With that I brought up our computer's pictures file and set it to slide show. As the pictures rolled across the screen with one girl on each knee, I was reminded of what I have been doing with my life: I have been a father. I have been changing diapers and making Pinewood Derby cars. I have been giving horsey-rides and playing Sumo Wrestler. I have been fixing bikes and kissing owies.

It's a tough gig but somebody's got to do it.

Category: Life lessons

Daughter teaches dad about true love

I am an obsessed fan of the Detroit Lions, a true fanatic! Yes, the 0-16 Lions, the same Lions that have not won a championship since 1957 (before I was born!), and yes, the same Lions that have won only one playoff game in 51 years.

Well, when my daughter was young and before my sons were born, I decided it would be great to have somebody with me while I watched the Lions. I asked my 2-year-old daughter if she wanted to watch the game with me and she agreed! So, most Sundays for the next few years, my daughter, far from ever being called rough and rugged, sat down with her favorite dad to watch the Lions.

I explained the finer points of the game to her; we cheered together when the Lions scored; we danced to the music on the commercials; and we even enjoyed halftime snacks together. I couldn't believe that it looked as though I had a Lions buddy for life. My daughter was crazy about the Lions, just like her dad.

As my daughter got older, offers to play at friends' houses came in on Sunday afternoons. Eventually, she did not watch the Lions with me at all anymore, at least not full games. She would sit and watch several plays, but then she would be off. I could not understand such behavior. I can never miss a Lions' game and there she was, giving up on watching full games to do, well, girlish things with her friends!

Just before my daughter's 21st birthday, the Lions were going to play on Thanksgiving Day. I had to beg her to watch the game with me. She told me she had other things to do. I asked her to watch a quarter with me. She told me she was going to be quite busy. I then asked her to watch the first series of downs with me. She agreed!

I asked her how she could have spent her early years watching the Lions every Sunday and then just give it up. I have not been able to give up the Lions' obsession at all!

Ah, here is where the child's love comes in: My daughter confessed that she never liked football, she had no feelings for the Lions and she had multiple interests in her early childhood - none of which involved football or the Lions.

She confided she only watched the Lions with me because she wanted to be with her dad. Even though she was lavished with attention, she knew she could have me all to herself on Sunday afternoons, so she became a short-term Lions fan. Apparently, after she subconsciously realized Dad would still love her and spend hours with her even if she never watched the Lions, she turned her attention to other important things in life, such as Barbie dolls, playing house and entertaining friends.

Yes, my child's love for me led her to want to spend quality and quantity time with me - a lesson from which all of us could benefit when dealing with other people, especially including our families and friends.

Oh, by the way, on Thanksgiving Day, my daughter sat in the family room with me for the entire Lions' debacle (another embarrassing thrashing on national TV).

Ah, yes, a child's love. Each of us could learn a lesson. I certainly did!

Category: Life lessons

Cries for help bring out snow day hero

This past weekend I had a moment of fatherly pride when my 5-year-old interrupted fun in the snow to help a neighbor in need.

Saturday afternoon we suited up and went outside to play in the four inches of newly fallen snow. The good packing snow was perfect for snowballs and making snowmen. Halfway through making our snowman family in our front yard, we heard someone yelling. At first we thought it was neighbor calling for a dog, cat or one of the other children in the neighborhood. But after a minute or two, my son figured out it was a call for help.

Immediately, I stopped rolling a large snowball and followed the screams to a neighbor's house. An elderly lady was yelling for help because her denture was caught in her tongue. I quickly asked if she had family in the area as I worked to unhook the denture from her tongue and tried to calm her nerves. As soon as it was removed I received a bear hug, called a hero and given many thanks.

Before leaving I told her to rinse with salt water and call 911 shortly if the bleeding did not stop. As soon as I turned to exit the front door of our neighbor's house, my concerned son was there, asking if the lady was OK and if we needed to call the police. I told him that it was not necessary, but that was a great idea and he was a hero for recognizing the woman's calls for help.

Unfortunately, my son then decided it was getting cold and left me outside to finish the snowmen. Still, after seeing him in action, my heart was warmed by his care and concern and the weather didn't matter to me! I know I am doing a good job as parent because my son is aware of his surroundings and concerned for others.

Category: Life lessons

Learn something meaningful in staying the course

I'm staring at another birthday. It's better than the alternative but I'm noticing the older I get, the more I find myself in reflection about the lessons of life each passing year has privileged me with. I'm also struck

that it's in my role as a dad that I always seem to end up

learning something most meaningful and reaching my own milestones - not only as a dad, but as a person.

It hasn't been easy, being a good and actively involved parent, regardless of marital status. But parenting outside of marriage poses some extra challenges. Despite that fact, loving my son and committing to staying the course for him has never been anything I've second guessed. Following are a few of the things I've learned that have served to strengthened me in my efforts:

Integrity speaks volumes and will defend itself. Integrity is wired for truth and while the truth might not show up right away, it shows up eventually and defines something for what it is. When we "show up" for our

kids, when we love them with conviction and live examples that are clear, something our kids can understand and respect, no one can take that away. Our children then have the sort of foundation they need to thrive. There's more than a few blueprints life offers to kids in their efforts to grow into adulthood, but none are as powerful as what we demonstrate as parents.

I've also learned that you don't have to be great, or even good, all of the time in your role as parent. Being consistent and good enough will speak more to our children than anything else. My experience is that our children want and need our time more than our money, expertise or rationalization as to why, for example, we're working overtime again rather than attending one of their ball games or dance recitals.

Finally, in considering the multitude of things our children need of us, our love, affirmation, guidance and being someone they can love and respect, none of it can be realized if they don't have our time. We have to afford them quality time but don't ever be duped in to believing it doesn't take a quantity of time to support a quality of time or relationship. Children define a significant part of a parental role by the frequency of parenting they have with us. If we're missing in the areas they need us - being there to catch them, help them up when they fall, soothing them after a bad dream, reassuring them after one didn't come true and inspiring them to go after more dreams - our relationship with our children will suffer.

Just some of what I've learned that helps me to stay the course. How about you, what have you found helpful?

Category: Life lessons

What you know about kids changes when you have a few of your own

While I was working on an idea for another posting I started thinking about all the things I said I would never do once I had my own kids. You know, those "tough talking" pledges you made when your only experience was watching other people's kids at the play land in the mall. Most of them went out the window around day three of parenthood, but I thought it might be funny to review some of the ones I made.

I will never let my kids "act out" in public. I quickly realized it wasn't up to me. If they wanted to throw a tantrum all I could do was put them in the car and wait it out.

My kids will want for nothing. They can "want" from here to eternity but they're not going to get it. I am happy with just providing what they need.

I will never "schedule" intimacy. When bedroom sessions started to get measured in months I threw out any ideals that I had. As my wife will tell you, passion and spontaneity take time but I can't tell you how much brighter the day is when this little treat pops up on my computer's daily reminder.

I will never yell like my dad did. My father was an artist. The medium he worked in was profanity and blasphemy. My mom used to say that was how he told us he loved us. Yeah, right! I might not yell as much as my dad did, but sometimes I can give him a run for his money. The difference is that I only yell at inanimate objects. If I have to fix something my wife knows it's time to take the kids away.

I will not be overweight. This one sort of crept up on me. One of the differences between my dad and I is that growing up my dad was never "fat" to me, he was just a big man. My son, on the other hand, is very aware that I have more than my fair share of pounds.

My kids' college fund will be fully funded. I ended up paying my own way through college and didn't want my kids to have to do that, but with the rising prices of education and the stock market turmoil it looks like they are going to need to pitch in.

I will not let my kids eat too much sugar/watch too much TV/stay up too late/etc. I admit there are days where being a "good" parent can go take a flying leap and all I care about is going to bed with the same number of kids I woke up with.

What are some of the statements you made back when you thought you knew better?

Category: Life lessons

Earning a living vs. finding a job

The other day I was at my daughter's school when I overheard a conversation among some fellow parents about the state of the economy. Two parents had children in college and they were discussing how their children will be moving out of state after graduation. Everyone agreed there was no alternative. "I wouldn't want my children to stay here," one mother commented. The reason? No jobs.

As a native Michigander, I've heard these kinds of conversations many times over the years and my reaction has always been the same: What's wrong with these people? Are they really teaching their children to move someplace where they can "find a job"?

All adults need to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, but I was raised to worry about "earning a living," not "getting a job."

What's the difference? It's a big one: Earning a living means finding a way to support yourself (and, if it all works out, a family). That might involve working for yourself, starting your own company, or selling apples on a street corner. It's about wealth creation. "Getting a job" means relying on someone else to do the creating: You're just an employee, offering your labor. It's no coincidence that the latter puts you at the mercy of someone else's decisionmaking.

I think a lot of people in Michigan think too much about jobs and too little about wealth creation. Why worry about coming up with an idea, product or service when you can just punch the clock and let someone else do the heavy lifting? For too long the auto companies and the unions cooperated in creating this apparent workers utopia.

Now that reality is setting in, let's do our children a favor and teach them about taking responsibility for their own economic futures. I'm not going to tell my children to move someplace with "better jobs." I'm going to tell them that they can earn a living anywhere.