Category: Roles of fathers
Posted by Larry Herren on Fri, Aug 7, 2009 at 2:28 PMThe best dad for your child is you
Who's the "best" dad? What does a good dad look like? I was intrigued the other day when a few of us dads were talking about it and we all seemed to come to this matter-of-fact conclusion at the same time: no one can be a better dad to our children than we can.
We agreed, for example that while there may be some who more closely resemble superheroes in their younger, more physically fit and "cooler" stature, or others who are more scholarly and perhaps mechanically inclined, it's only us who can provide our children a DNA firsthand understanding of where they come from. No one else can better explain the certain physical features or personality traits that might bcome from generations of tradition. Or maybe it's a fear, passion or dream that no one can more deeply understand and equally important, help our children resolve or realize because it's the same challenges, passions and dreams that we've experienced.
I know my son and being able to predict how he will feel about something or how he's going to respond is one of the most amazing phenomenons I've ever experienced. It's also a riot to watch him react with, "How did you know I was going to say or do that?!". Granted, if you spend enough time with anyone you come to a similar understanding for what they feel or how they're likely to respond. But what makes a parent-child relationship so different is that we know because we've actually contributed to the character they're developing and the person they're growing to be.
I see a lot of me in my son and while that sometimes frightens me, God help the boy, it's also deeply gratifying to know that I've been blessed with such an awesome privilege and responsibility.
It makes it even more meaningful to see other generations of family in my child whose influences have definitely contributed to the better part of the man I've become. In fact, when I look back on my life, I'm struck that my parents and grandparents were right; at the end of the day, or a life, you come to realize it's relationships that matter most. Money can buy a lifestyle and notoriety can open doors but it's relationships that sustain us.
Nothing we do is as important or meaningful as the time and effort we give to our children. What they take from us in a relationship will be illustrated in this life long after we've passed on. That makes parenting our children the greatest legacy we can ever leave.
Comments
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Roles of Fathers
Larry and Dadofthree,
I think you both are correct that good parenting is more than the contribution of
DNA . Step parents, adoptive parents are certainly capable of developing loving and caring relationships with the children they parent. While Larry is also correct that there are some positive changes occurring in the family court system, albeit all too slowly, it is difficult to ignore the bias that remains. It does appear that the courts value one source of DNA other the other as though one half of the chromosomal contribution is irrelevant. That remains a travesty.
Roles of Fathers
Larry:
Great post, but I have to take issue with one point. You refer to "DNA firsthand understanding of where they come from". As a father of three, with only one linked by DNA, I can tell you that the DNA link makes absolutely no difference. I feel the same sort of intuitive connections you describe, with each of my three kids.
Of course, there is also an element of "preaching to the choir" here. Anyone reading or participating in this forum is likely to share your views on the importance of parenting. There are certainly some dads out there who contribute little or nothing more than their DNA, and they are definitely not the "best dads" for their kids.
Thank you for your comments, I appreciate your point and agree; it takes
more than DNA to be a good dad. Clearly, it takes the sort of integrity
and dedication that creates a foundation our children can grow from and DNA,
in and of itself, doesn't guarantee those qualities. But it should, in my
opinion, assure dads an equal chance to bond, attach and parent their
children which is one of the main points I was trying to make in the post;
that the vast majority of dads are, in fact, interested in being more than
just a donor of DNA or financial sponsor to their children and it’s in their child's best interest that they’re invited and encouraged to be more.
As this relates to divorce or never married scenarios, make no mistake about
it, while some good and positive trends are developing in Family Court, a
few gender bias old practices remain and they often fuel the
disenfranchising of a father's role to that of an every other weekend
playmate which leaves deep and lasting voids for kids that doesn't otherwise
have to be there.
I don't know your families circumstances but I sincerely commend you for
being a loving and dedicated dad to your children which obviously, DNA was
not a requirement for. But at the same time, it's a pretty significant place
to start from in helping dads to understand their parental worth, as well as
educating others who would devalue a fathers love and parental role to
something of secondary importance.
LarryBest Dad is you
Larry,
Once again you are so right. Being a Dad is more then contributing the chromosomes to a child. A child's growth in the world is guided by the genetic foundations a father gives but also the nurturing a father provides to that hard wiring or foundations.
While I am personally very healthy, I do have mild asthma. By teaching the coping skills I have learned has been helpful to my children in preventing a very mild condition into developing into a life threatening disease. The same applies to so many things that a biological father can contribute to assisting in the growth of a child in social and emotional and educational development where the numerous benefits are clear cut.
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