MichDads Blog

Category: Father's Day

A day at the ballpark or spa?

Father's Day is almost here and I am quite excited about my gift: tickets to Sunday's Tigers game against the Brewers.

Going to the ballgame with my boys is one of my dad activities. The time we spend together is irreplaceable. Sharing a pop, popcorn and other ballparks treats is a gastronomic feast. Additionally the Tigers do a fantastic job with providing in-game entertainment and activities.

We love the Ferris wheel, carousel and finding Paws at Comerica Park. My boys also love to receive the Kids Club giveaway.

While I will enjoy this gift of baseball, and practically anything I receive on my special day, there are some gift tie-ins with Father's Day I have to question.

Driving around my east side neighborhood I have seen a number of businesses trying to drive sales with Father's Day items.

One local florist is offering a "Ford truck bouquet" and a "home-run bouquet." Both have been made pretty manly with the truck and the baseball vase, but the flowers were your standard blooms. There was nothing manly like a snap dragon or Venus flytrap.

A little farther down the road at a high-end spa was a sign urging passers-by to purchase a gift certificate for dad. I know in these stressful times a massage might be a great relief, but how does one go back to the production line or construction site and boast about their upcoming hot stones treatment? Maybe the dads of today are more metrosexual and open to these gifts, but I cannot see my old-school father-in-law getting excited over these gifts. Or my later father, who just wanted to watch Westerns on his special day.

I really like the Tigers tickets. Of course, if my wife and kids are reading this and looking for a last-minute gift, I have been receiving a number of e-mails from my favorite "laid-back, island retailer," which has some pretty cool beach shirts.

So a day at the ballgame is good. Baseball flowers bad. A day at the spa may be nice, but the only massage I look forward to is the embrace of my little boys wishing me a Happy Father's Day.

Category: Father's Day

The measure of a dad

Father's Day is understandably an occasion for children to think about and honor their fathers. But it's also a time for fathers to reflect on our roles.

The essence of fatherhood, of course, is sacrifice: we spend our days (and nights) working to provide what our children need. Love, most of all, but also support, strength and high expectations. Sometimes we're even required to sacrifice our own comfort and happiness to build a safe and loving home for our children.

If we're lucky, we discover the best in ourselves through devotion to our families. After all, that's what it really means to be a father. Happy Father's Day!

Category: Summer and kids

Schedule some fun into your summer

Last night my wife, Dr. Molly O'Shea, mentioned that she is writing one of her upcoming Detroit News blogs about the importance of unstructured time for children. Amen!

As faithful readers know, I'm a strong proponent of unstructured time as a way for kids to unwind, exercise, and imagine. After all, most of us grew up with gobs of unstructured time and look how terrific we turned out!

Seriously, I think it's important to make a distinction between leaving unstructured time for our children (vital) and scheduling our own time to make room for fun family activities (vital, too).

At the start of each summer I make a list of all the fun things I can do with my children during the loooong school break. I consult books on Michigan family activities (check them out at your local library) and I just noodle a bit, too. This is key for me because I don't want to hear the wail of "I'm so bored" and not have something quick to pull out. My list includes everything from going out for ice cream to camping in the backyard to visiting a dairy farm. With my list on the bulletin board I'm always ready to create some family magic. I'm also ready to let the kids know what cool things we have planned (so they can spend some time looking forward to them).

Give it a try (most activities are free) and I bet you'll have a great summer to remember once Labor Day rolls around.

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Category: Stress

Got worries? Live chat today to get help

Live chat 1-2 p.m. today: Even if you were not directly affected by the latest round of bad economic news as General Motors filed for bankruptcy, it's a good bet you and your family are feeling some stress these days.

So today at 1 p.m., Dr. Robert Pasick, an Ann Arbor-based clinical and organizational psychologist, executive coach and president of LeadersConnect, will address workplace or work-related anxiety and family concerns will join us for a live chat to help deal with stress in the workplace and at home.

Bring your questions and concerns today from 1-2 p.m. to our live chat site or just check in to see what others are dealing with and the advice shared there. If you miss the live chat, you can read a transcript of the session at the same link later.

We don't have to deal with these worries and stresses alone.

Category: Father's Day

Dad's time, effort enhances child's development

I've heard it said that with regard to human development, childhood experiences more than any other factor establish perceptions, develop values and influence the sort of character a person tends to have. My years of experience as a family therapist tend to leave me in agreement on a clinical level, but it's my more recent experience as a dad that truly enlightens me to this truth and fuels my conviction to ensure my child gets the very best of my time and efforts.

For example, I've come to understand it's not just the love we express to our children, it's the further affirmation they experience in knowing they are loved and valued.

It's not just the time we take to teach them and walk with them through the adversities they face in growing up, it's prioritizing whatever time is needed to make a complete effort that in turn helps them feel they are worth our time and enhances their sense of self worth and confidence to strive for more in life.

It's understanding that regardless of what rigid scopes of parenting popular culture or yesteryear's outdated notions try and limit us, a dad's time is equally important and needed in all primary elements of parenting.

I've witnessed my son, for example, accomplish various milestones but more importantly to the bond we've achieved, I've participated in each of them. From rolling on the floor to learning how to crawl to walking and now running races with Dad (and getting tougher to beat by the day). From diapers to the toilet, from hard and determined stares at how I formed my words to speaking his own with a flare that convinces me he's going to be highly successful in his ability to communicate.

In recent weeks, my son conquered perhaps his greatest challenge: being patient in his quest to ride his bike without training wheels. It was quite a victory for both of us - D.J. yelling "Dad, I'm riding without your help!" showing the pride he felt. My victory (and I thanked God for it) was being spared of a heart attack as I ran beside him for weeks, sprinting beyond what I thought my 50-year-old body could take.

Being there for our kids isn't always easy. We're faced with our own challenges and parenting outside the dynamic of marriage can certainly be one of them. Having endured the loss of my father when I was almost 12 I can tell you firsthand, married or unmarried, you can never completely substitute what is otherwise experienced in the strength and love of a dad.

It's clear that we do, in fact, profoundly contribute to the developing perceptions, values and character of our children. The childhood experiences we provide them in a relationship with us will have everything to do with the adults, spouses and parents they become.

Being my child's dad ranks as the greatest purpose I've ever known. How about you? Would you agree parenting our children is the greatest legacy we'll ever leave?

Category: Stress

Got stress? Chat live with an expert today at noon

Even if you were not directly affected by the latest round of bad economic news yesterday as General Motors filed for bankruptcy, maybe you or your spouse has lost a job, face home foreclosure or other economic issue. It's a good bet you and your family are feeling some stress these days.

So today at noon Vicki Bucciere, a licensed therapist with the Henry Ford Health System Employee Assistance Program (EAP) in Detroit, will join us for a live chat to help deal with stress in the workplace and at home.

Bucciere has a master's degree in social work from the University of Michigan and has more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families facing challenges adapting to change.

Bring your questions and concerns today from noon-1 p.m. to our live chat site or just check in to see what others are dealing with and the advice shared there. If you miss the live chat, you can read a transcript of the session at the same link later. We don't have to deal with these worries and stresses alone.

Category: Pets

Pet's death helps teach kids how to grieve

I've found teaching and coaching our children through the various life issues they face to be profound and rewarding aspects of parenting. As noted in a previous post, pets are a great resource for teaching about such life matters as love, responsibility and even sacrifice.

We had a couple of dogs when my son was born so I taught him early on that much like people, dogs also require respect and care. He's additionally learned what those qualities look like and how to provide them. When D.J. was younger, for example, he learned his dogs were different than his stuffed animals; they're real so they feel pain when their eyes are poked or ears and tails are pulled. He's also come to understand that pets, like people, want to trust us, but trust is only achieved when a consistency of consideration for their needs is demonstrated. Of course, further recognizing what those needs are is as important as taking some extra time to provide them. There's also the issue of being responsible to clean up after your pets but at 5 years old, D.J. hasn't fully embraced that concept yet.

The need to be loved is perhaps the most essential of what pets require. D.J. has that one mastered, showering his animals with the love he whole heartedly feels. I wish it all ended there, but a beloved family pet's life is temporary and all of us, at some point, have to learn how to grieve and say goodbye to those we cherish. It's a truth that sadly struck home when Cash, our Pomeranian, passed away over Mother's Day weekend. No one saw it coming. He was 12 years old, elderly by dog standard, but he hadn't shown any outward signs of health problems. D.J. hugged him goodbye on his way to school Friday morning and Cash died later that night.

D.J. responded to the news with some silliness and a little nervous laughter, a typical response for someone his age who hasn't yet developed a capacity to fully understand or process all of their emotions or the complete meaning of this event. When I gave him his dog's paw print that the veterinary hospital imprinted in clay, he said he wanted to take it to school so he could share it with his friends. He promised to take extra good care of it and embraced the thing in a manner that seemed to indicate he understood it was something different and meaningful.

We buried Cash this past weekend. There were yet further teachable moments in some predictable questions D.J. posed including:

Dad, do dogs go to heaven? I'm guessing they do, Buddy.

Is Cash playing in heaven? I'll bet he is and probably driving God crazy barking out his picture window and sneaking treats.

If I die, can I be buried in our backyard, too? No son, people are buried in cemeteries, like where Pappy Herren is.

I'll miss Cashee, Dad, he was a good dog. He was indeed and you did a great job taking care of him. I want you to always remember the fun you had together. I know I'll remember and it will make me smile when I think about Cash. Me too, Dad.

Daddy, can we get a Chihuahua?

I know it's going to be trouble whenever he starts a question out with "Daddy ..."

Category: Out-of-wedlock births

Where are the husbands?

I've written before about the alarming national trend toward unwed parenthood. Now comes the latest report from the National Center for Health Statistics with even worse news: the rate at which unmarried women are having babies in America jumped dramatically in the past seven years.

"In 2007, there were 1,714,643 babies born to unmarried women, an increase of 4% from 2006, and 26% higher than the number in 2002 (1,365,966)," the NCHS reports. Forty percent of births in America are now to unwed mothers.

Commentators have pointed out that unwed parenthood is largely a phenomenon of class: the number of college-educated parents who are married is still extremely high, while the numbers among the poor and uneducated are less than 30 percent.

Faced with these figures, I can't help but ask, where are the men? I'm well aware of the facts of biology: a woman can become pregnant and choose to have a child without getting married first and without even consulting the father (or caring what he thinks). Nevertheless, one wonders about the men who have played an essential role in the pregnancies. Are they involved in the decision to forego marriage? Do they think marriage is unnecessary or a bad idea? Why? These are important questions for society, and for fathers everywhere. What are the answers?

Category: Stay-at-home dads

Is parenting really just unfulfilling drudgery?

Earlier this week I was engaging in one of my (many) guilty pleasures: watching "Desperate Housewives" on ABC. I know the show is a soap opera/comedy (that's what makes it so enjoyable), but its storylines have surprising resonance and often tap into the popular culture very effectively.

Last week, one of the storylines featured Tom Scavo, a former ad executive who recently volunteered to cover the home front (and four school-age children) while his wife returned to work. Tom, cleaning bucket in hand, confessed to his wife that he was bored and unfulfilled as an at-home dad. He described himself as a middle-aged man who still hadn't decided what to do with his life.

This scene, and the depiction of Tom's dilemma, really got under my skin. As a longtime at-home dad I was amazed that the writers would latch on to such a hackneyed stereotype, right out of "The Feminine Mystique" (neatly updated with a man playing the lead role).

The fact is, being an at-home parent is only incidentally about cleaning the house (despite the prominence of Tom's bucket). In fact, if he'd put down the Windex for a minute, Tom might be able to attend PTA meetings, help out in the classromm, shuttle children to after-school activities, chaperone field trips and volunteer in the community. Done right, being an at-home parent can be just as challenging, fulfilling and socially valuable as any other job. In fact, some of the smartest, kindest and most impressive people I know are at-home parents (almost all moms, of course).

So let's bury the unfulfilled-stay-at-home-parent stereotype once and for all. I'll be happy to toss the first shovelful of dirt.

Category: Rites of Passage

First visit from the Tooth Fairy

The last of the Big Three, middle of the night, gift-givers visited our house late Tuesday night after my oldest son lost his first tooth.

This was a big moment for my little guy. For nearly a week he had been telling my wife and I that his tooth was loose.

Then after school on Tuesday my son said, "Daddy look."

I always worry when I hear that statement -- was it a drawing or did he shave the dog?

Thankfully it was just a little boy who was holding a tooth and smiling with a gap in mouth after losing one of his lower, front teeth.

His excitement increased when he realized a visit from the Tooth Fairy was on the horizon.

This a new experience for our family, which has welcomed Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny into our home five times, but this was the first time for the Tooth Fairy.

And unlike the big guy in red and the hopping hasenpfeffer, there is no major marketing effort to suggest the value of a tooth. I remember as a child receiving either dollar bills or silver dollars, but that was nearly three decades ago.

Had inflation changed the gift amount? Was there some provision in the stimulus bill to help out parents?

So we asked some friends for advice to for the Tooth Fairy (this statement for my younger readers) and they told of us gifts of $5. Others were just $1.

Then I posed the question on Twitter and Facebook, which produced a large number of responses that ranged from decorated silver dollars to savings bonds and a recommendation to avoid pesos.

We definitely don't need the flu!

But one of the more unique responses came from a virtual Tooth Fairy at twitter.com/toothfairycyber, which gave the following advice:

"Coins or $ Please read all about the legends, stories and more lore at Toothfairycyberspace. Learn dentalfunstuff & get ideas!"

Now I am truly amazed at the power of the Internet and who is watching what I write.

Armed with that information, my wife and I directed our son to put his tooth in a small bag under his pillow, and we waited for him to drift into dreamland.

Early Wednesday morning we heard the squeal of joy from a 5-year-old who found a prize of $3 under his pillow.

Obviously the first tooth had additional value and was worth a little extra for this special occasion.

After his initial tooth loss, he is trying to work on other teeth, along with a few chores, to raise money for a Lego set he is eyeing.

Operation Tooth Fairy was a success!

While I am excited that my son is becoming a "big boy" by losing his teeth, does that mean I am getting "long in the tooth"?