MichDads Blog

Category: Life lessons

Creating memories doesn't take money, just time

I'm forever amazed at how despite the money we spend in an effort to create lasting memories for our children, it's the actual interactions they have with us, spontaneous and free of charge, that seem to impact them the most.

I'm struck, for example, that like the summers before I spent a ton of money on vacations this past summer but at the end of the day, it wasn't the frills of a fancy hotel that D.J. remembers, it's skipping rocks with me off the hotel's shoreline and going swimming. Although the thrill rides and exhibits we visited were certainly worthwhile, there isn't any combination of rides put together that excites him as much as the two of us tobogganing down a hill together or any exhibit that can compete with everything he takes out of hiking in the woods with me and our family dog.

Whether we're fishing, riding bikes, headed out to the cider mill or pitching a tent in the backyard, these simple activities and interactions are the ones that fill our children with lifelong memories. In addition, they provide our kids a sense of confidence that they're loved and worth our time and effort.

There's also the opportunity we have to teach our children academically. Just about every piece of research being done in this area has concluded that children do better academically when both parents participate in their education. Helping with homework, reading to and with our children, visiting the library together and doing math problems all equate to a favorable outcome. In an otherwise stressful and challenging economy, it's also noteworthy to mention that all of these activities are anywhere from inexpensive to free.

What are some of the simpler ways you've created memories for your children?

Category: Dads vs. moms

Experiement shows benefits of switching roles

I've been following a series of blog entries on Slate.com by a married couple who decided to switch roles for a few weeks. He's an editor at Slate, she's an at-home mom who does freelance writing. They have two young children.

This type of stunt is always good for readership (it certainly caught my attention), but typically sheds little light on the subject of parenting roles. Nevertheless, the experiment (if it could be called that) is fascinating in part because the two participants have been so candid about their experiences and impressions.

The dad had a lot of trouble adjusting to the home world, where the only schedule is the one he chooses to impose but he must be constantly alert to the moods and needs of his children. The mom loved the orderly world of the office but found she thought less about the children than when she was away from home in her own neighborhood (they live in Brooklyn and the office is in Manhattan) because she was too far away to be of any practical help.

The dad complained that mom missed being home for dinner for several nights in a row. Mom decided it was easier to be at the office than at home. When they returned to their usual roles, both felt the experience made it possible to consider a true job switch at some point in the future.

Not exactly controlled social science, but interesting anyway because it revealed how important our roles are to our visions of ourselves. The switch also illustrated how important it is for us to try to understand the challenges faced by our spouses. Whatever jobs parents have, whether one works and the other stays at home, we're all doing our best most of the time. The rest of the time we're just tired.

Category: Custody

Kids need both parents

I make no apologies for being a shared parenting advocate. As a family therapist, I've understood for years that kids need both parents. But in 2003, the clinical benefits that are achieved for children in shared parenting and the negative outcomes that often result when a parent is under involved became even more meaningful to me when my son was born.

Yet with all the research and understanding, a minute few still try and argue that the need for shared parenting somehow changes in a divorce or never married dynamic. Unfounded rationalizations include "schlepping from one house to the other is burdensome for kids and they'll do better if they have one primary home." Fact is, most family therapists and research concludes that as long as the environment is safe, predictable and consistent, children do fine in multiple environments. However, they do poorly when the frequency of contact with their parent is restricted to a visitor status and the voids then created tend to be acted out in highly destructive ways.

As a valued family clinician once told me early on in my case, a child's need for a healthy attachment and loving relationship with both parents trumps any need for one residence, neighborhood, etc. It takes real time to develop and maintain that sort of relationship. I've seen this truth illustrated in my child's life. He spends equal time between two homes that are 30 miles apart but he's thriving in every way. Not surprising, children, like adults, define relationships by the frequency of contact and quality of time they spend with someone so regardless of a marital status, it requires a quantity of time to authenticate a parental role. If you're being challenged in your legal ability to achieve something to that end, retain an experienced family law attorney who understands what the Michigan Parenting Time Guideline states:

Michigan statutes recognize that when parents separate or divorce, their children's best interests are served by continuation of the parent/child relationship. So strong is this recognition that the law establishes a presumption that it is in the best interests of a children to have strong relationships with both parents. Therefore, parenting time should be of a frequency, duration and type reasonably calculated to promote a strong relationship between the children and parent. The children have a right to parenting time unless the court determines on the record by clear and convincing evidence that parenting time would endanger the children's physical, mental or emotional health [MCL 722.27a].

Calculating parenting time in a frequency, duration and type that promotes strong relationships between children and their parents. Sounds like a novel idea, certainly nothing that requires sophisticated clinical training or legal brilliance, yet this remains the single most controversial aspect of divorce. One reason why is that some parents continue fighting by trying to use children as pawns to control and hurt the other parent.

Make no mistake about it, taking a willing parent out of the mix of parenting will ultimately hurt and scar your children.

Category: School

Dads present and accounted for at school

Last night was the Ice Cream Social at my sons' elementary school. While many parents also attended the flag raising on the first day of school, the social is traditionally the first time parents have a chance to greet each other and welcome new faces after the long summer break.

We had a huge turnout of families enjoying the ice cream, popcorn, face painting, DJ and giant inflatables. I was stationed at the latter all evening, where I spent most of my time patrolling to prevent little vandals from turning off the moon bounce to enjoy the shrieks of the little ones as the roof collapsed.

I love the social because it confirms one of the great things about our school: dads are interested and involved. And even the fathers who are neither (for whatever reason) are still present. It makes a strong impression when you look across a crowd of families and see fathers everywhere. The people who notice it the most are our children. They're thrilled to have Dad along, and they absorb the message that the Ice Cream Social (or whatever event it might be) is important and their school is important, too.

Fellow dads, even in these tough times when many of us are struggling to find time for ourselves, let's commit to being present at our children's schools this year. That means being there for social events, PTA meetings, curriculum nights, open houses and (of course) parent-teacher conferences.

If some of us can also find time to be interested and involved, that's great. Whatever we can manage, it all starts with being there in the first place.

Category: Role models

Teaching good sportsmanship starts at home

One of my favorite things about autumn is football. I love the game with a passion that might be more than it should be at my age, but then again I suppose that depends on who's setting the bar.

A few friends got together this past Saturday to cheer on our favorite college teams (Go Blue!), but when a commercial about sportsmanship aired I was left with some reservations about the traditional trash talking that had begun. The commercial starts out with a group of kids coming together to play a game, but before they take the field each of them give commentary of their dad's comments during a recent football game. Each child exclaims how their dad, for example, says the refs are "stupid" and "blind." One notes his dad believes they must be getting paid off to make such bonehead calls.

There have been games that have left me with similar conclusions but as the commercial then asks, if you're making such statements what are you teaching your children? The answer is driven home when the kids agree they want to grow up to be just like their dads, then start their game with comments like "OK, let's go losers, let's play chumps."

I'm careful about the words I use around my son but I thought this commercial was an important and powerful illustration of how teaching our children good sportsmanship starts with us modeling it when we are in the heat of battle, even if it is only from the stands or watching on a big screen TV.

Some other thoughts in teaching good sportsmanship:

• Don't always let your child win. It's tempting, particularly when they're young, but it has to be balanced. Otherwise, we teach our children to expect positive outcomes in every competition they engage in which is unrealistic and fails to teach them how to manage adversity.
• Don't place too much emphasis on wining or losing. Particularly when you are teaching your child about the mechanics of a particular sport, prioritize having fun. If he or she has fun, they are more likely to want to continue and learn more about the game and their desire to compete in it will take care of itself.
• In any game your child plays, teach him to respect officials, teammates and opponents and save his complaints for private conversations after the game. Obviously, this sort of teaching can only occur if we demonstrate the same sort of behavior.
• Remember this is your child's experience. Remind your children, and yourself, too, if necessary, that they're playing a sport for their enjoyment and growth, not so we can try and recapture our own.
• Teach your children to lose and win with equal levels of class. Teach them, for example, not to retaliate for foul play or trash talk; just play as they've been taught and give it all they have so they're not left questioning their efforts. And at the end of the competition, to shake their opponent's hand because after all, it's only a game.

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Category: Giveaways

See 'Shorts' for free, enter to win stuffed backpack

Hey dads, want to be a hero in your house? The new family action-adventure movie "Shorts" doesn't open until next weekend, but you have a chance to get your family a sneak peek at the film. Just click on this link for a chance at two free passes to see the movie next Tuesday in Novi.

Also, if you'd like a chance to win a "Shorts" backpack full of goodies, e-mail detroitmovies@hotmail.com with your name, address and phone number. Be sure to put SHORTS-Detnews in the subject line.

Good luck!

Category: Roles of fathers

Study confirms importance of inviting dads, too

This week I read about a new study in the Journal of Marriage and Family examining the effects of focusing social services programs on mothers as opposed to parents in general. Researchers at the University of California Berkeley found that (news flash!) such programs end up excluding fathers, which turns out to be bad for children.

The study, funded by the California Department of Social Services Office of Child Abuse Prevention, compared father-only programs to general parenting programs and to a control group. The main findings:

- The behavioral and psychological involvement of fathers significantly increased when fathers were given the tools to be more effective parents alone or with the mothers.

- Parenting stress decreased when fathers and mothers participated in the groups together.

- Conflict within couples grew in the control and fathers-only groups, but when fathers and mothers went through the groups together, the quality of their relationships as couples remained stable for more than a year after the groups ended.

- Children of fathers who went through the program alone or with the mothers were much less aggressive, hyperactive, depressed or socially withdrawn than children of fathers in the control group.

The study's authors concluded that too few programs are targeted at mothers and fathers together, keeping alive the social assumption that raising children is something for women, not men.

I have been working in the field of parenting (and fathering) education for a decade, and I am happy to report that more programs are aimed at parents in general and fathers (as opposed to mothers alone). This is a terrific trend for a number of reasons, many of which are made clear by the Berkeley study. Perhaps someday soon we will finally see the end of those Mommy and Me classes that claim to be open to all parents.

Category: Roles of fathers

The best dad for your child is you

Who's the "best" dad? What does a good dad look like? I was intrigued the other day when a few of us dads were talking about it and we all seemed to come to this matter-of-fact conclusion at the same time: no one can be a better dad to our children than we can.

We agreed, for example that while there may be some who more closely resemble superheroes in their younger, more physically fit and "cooler" stature, or others who are more scholarly and perhaps mechanically inclined, it's only us who can provide our children a DNA firsthand understanding of where they come from. No one else can better explain the certain physical features or personality traits that might bcome from generations of tradition. Or maybe it's a fear, passion or dream that no one can more deeply understand and equally important, help our children resolve or realize because it's the same challenges, passions and dreams that we've experienced.

I know my son and being able to predict how he will feel about something or how he's going to respond is one of the most amazing phenomenons I've ever experienced. It's also a riot to watch him react with, "How did you know I was going to say or do that?!". Granted, if you spend enough time with anyone you come to a similar understanding for what they feel or how they're likely to respond. But what makes a parent-child relationship so different is that we know because we've actually contributed to the character they're developing and the person they're growing to be.

I see a lot of me in my son and while that sometimes frightens me, God help the boy, it's also deeply gratifying to know that I've been blessed with such an awesome privilege and responsibility.

It makes it even more meaningful to see other generations of family in my child whose influences have definitely contributed to the better part of the man I've become. In fact, when I look back on my life, I'm struck that my parents and grandparents were right; at the end of the day, or a life, you come to realize it's relationships that matter most. Money can buy a lifestyle and notoriety can open doors but it's relationships that sustain us.

Nothing we do is as important or meaningful as the time and effort we give to our children. What they take from us in a relationship will be illustrated in this life long after we've passed on. That makes parenting our children the greatest legacy we can ever leave.

Category: Kids activities

My kids' activity schedules are killing me!

When I was growing up, my brother and I seemed to have pretty balanced lives. I remember us riding our bikes in the summer with friends, hanging out at the park across the street from our house, going for the once-a-summer zoo or museum trip and a few other activities. Our parents didn't stress out about keeping us busy or safe, they just let us be kids and have fun.

Now that I'm a parent, things seem to have changed drastically. I constantly worry about predators at parks, stores, the Internet and even Little League. If my kids watch too much television, I make them turn it off and read a book or play in our backyard. Play dates with the kids of other like-minded friends seem to dominate the way our kids get to socialize. Last but not least, my kids' activity schedules are killing me. These activities seem to be every day and so structured that not even my linear brain can stand the tightness.

I often wonder if when my kids become adults, will they look back and think about their fun childhood memories or will they think, "Man, I'm glad to be an adult because those childhood activity schedules were killing me"? For example, when did going to the zoo more than a dozen times per summer become the norm? How about a week including the splash park, the zoo, a museum, gymnastics, baseball practice, rollerskating, a birthday party and cheerleading camp? After all of this "fun" they haven't even seen a next-door neighbor kid in a week.

I need help from those of you out there who are much smarter than I. Someone out there has the formula (or lack there of) that will help me get out of this summer rat race. I hope you are having a great summer; I'm out of breath.

Category: Summer and kids

Summertime affords opportunities to create lifelong memories

"Summertime" and the living is easy. I love that song and all its title implies, but in reality it might ought to read that the living is still hectic. I'm grateful, for example, to have warm weather, but while my driveway is absent of snow, there remains grass to mow, household chores to attend to and the last time I checked, I don't have enough money to retire so I continue going to work.

Still, for my family summertime is somehow an easier fit in life. My son, like most children his age, prefers relaxing at home in the morning with cartoons or his favorite toys over hustling to get ready for a full day of school. Summertime seems to allow for a more carefree versatile day in general. "The cotton's high and the fish are jumping," I haven't picked cotton with D.J., yet, but we've sure enough enjoyed our time together fishing and we had a whole new experience with aquatic life in our recent fun-filled trip to New Orleans (thanks Uncle Bob!). Summer is wide open with outdoor concerts, sports and opportunities for riding bikes or countless other activities on and in the water.

I can hear my winter-worshiping buddies, even as I write this, calling me a wimp and reminding me that real "Michigan men" go snowmobiling or skiing and don't take their jackets out of the closet before the temperature dips below 30. They'll argue that ice fishing is every bit as thrilling as anything.

But it's all good. The most important thing is that we use the opportunities every season affords us to spend quality time with our children because like the song says, "One of these mornin's, you're gonna rise up singing. Then you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky."

D.J. will be 6 years old this month. I can see so many changes in him even just from last year at this time. He hasn't taken to the sky yet but he's spreading his wings a little more every day. When that day comes that he does "fly," it's my hope that I'll have created the sort of memories that will sustain him and bring a smile to his face that he'll want to share with others - in every season.