Ask the Child Psychologist

Category: Behavior

You're right, it's not always fair

"It's not fair. He gets to stay up until 9 and I have to go to bed now."

"It's not fair, I have to do homework and she gets to go to play."

Ever have your child give you the "it's not fair" statement? Most parents have. I jokingly call the problem, "it's-not-fair-itis." Many parents tell me they treat their children "equally" or the "same." However, the reality is each child is different with their own unique needs and interests.

Our relationships with each of our children is going to be somewhat different. So, constantly striving to be equitable is going to be a losing, guilt-ridden waste of our energy. The good news for children is that parental love is limitless and there is plenty to go around for everyone in the family.

Younger children are developmentally egocentric, which means they often see the world as revolving around themselves. Truly fair in their eyes is to get the most possible attention from the adult. As they get older, the comparisons to their siblings may grow. They may challenge their parent about giving more attention or doing more for their sibling. If we engage with children, the issue will likely lead to more and more episodes of "it's-not-fair-itis."

How do we address this? By sending a message early on to our children that the real definition of "fair" is that everyone will get what they truly need. However, getting what you need may not always be exactly the same as a brother, sister or friend. In various situations or at different ages, each child will have his own needs. For example, "Your brother may need extra help practicing his spelling and you need a lot of time to be taken to your soccer game. I love doing both because I love both of you." Schoolchildren experience the idea of fair not meaning the same every day. They will see some of their schoolmates who require extra time from the teacher while others are able to work more independently. This may change from subject to subject, including areas like gym or art.

Once you have established the premise of "everyone getting what they truly need" as a norm in the family, I would move away from even acknowledging the "it's not fair" argument. Remind your child over and over again that you love her and you will always make certain she gets what she truly needs. Jim Fey, author of Love and Logic, will advise you to respond with something like, "nice try."

This doesn't mean we shouldn't be empathic when our child is frustrated about something like doing homework while his or her sibling is playing. We can respond by validating how they feel. For example, "I see how difficult this party is for you watching your brother get so many new toys. Let's talk about what you can do when you are feeling sad or frustrated." Children are going to feel emotions like jealousy and disappointment and they need opportunities like these to learn effective coping skills.

Having worked with families for many years, I believe most parents (and teachers) really do try hard to make certain their children get what they require. One of things parents need is some relief from the "it's-not-fair-itis." So, try the above tips and give yourself a break.

Category: Behavior

Set expectations, consequences and reward good behavior in public

Handling children's behavior in public places is often a topic that is brought up by parents in my office. "How can I get in and out of the store without my child badgering me about buying something?" and "How do I get my kid to cooperate when I need to do errands?" are just a few examples. There are several approaches a parent can take to encourage the positive behavior and minimize the challenges. Here are some ideas:

Set up the expectations for the child before going out. This includes giving children some advance warning (when possible) of where they will be going. Use good eye contact with the child, set up a few rules or expectations before you get in the car to leave and again when you arrive and before going into the store. Some examples might be, "You need to stay with me in the store" or "We are only buying things on our shopping list today." Each time, once the child has been given an expectation, have him repeat back to you. You can then show the child the shopping list and even give him jobs that might help you get done quicker. You should also tell the child what will happen if they misbehave.

In situations where you are all right with the child buying something, set a budget and parameters beforehand. For example, if you are going to a store with food, tell the child he can buy something up to a set amount. Also, be clear as to what types of treats are acceptable. You can also set an expectation that if the child badgers you about something more expensive, you will deduct a set amount off her budget for your troubles. Conversely (and on occasion), you can add a surprise bonus if the child has been cooperative, such as an extra dollar.

Be realistic when taking children to public places. We all know the feeling of being dragged somewhere we don't want to go. For some children, being confined to a table at a restaurant and needing to wait to be served can be difficult. Sometimes, children are tired after a long day at school or it's just getting to be that tough time of the day. I also realize parents have so many demands on them and often not enough time. My best suggestion is know your child and plan ahead when you can. If you think your child is going to have trouble, try to problem solve ways to keep her busy or decide how essential it is to bring the child.

Before I get into how to handle misbehavior, I want to stress the need to attend to good behavior. If the child is cooperating, take the time to point it out in a specific way, such as "I really appreciate how well you are helping Daddy find things in the store," or "Thank you for asking in a nice voice" are just two examples. One of the best ways to prevent misbehavior is to encourage the positive behavior you are looking for.

If a child is misbehaving in a public place, your options are more limited than at home. However, there are things you can do. You can establish a time out area when you set your expectations beforehand. This could be an area by the store's bathroom, a really boring store aisle for the child, stepping outside or a return to the car. If you are forced to leave due to negative behavior, the child may be expected to pay you back the time you lost by coming up with something he needs to do for you. Another option is carrying a marker and putting a slash mark on the child's hand for each minute he owes you for either a time out or work around the house. Whatever you decide, share with the child what will happen if they behave and misbehave.

Managing behavior in public places can also be challenging for parents because we feel that others maybe watching and judging us. Remember, most parents have dealt with this issue at one time and many parents will have empathy because they have been in your place. If not, put on a smile, take a deep breath and tell yourself you know what's best in managing your child.

Category: Behavior

'I'm sorry' isn't always enough - teach kids why

Kanye West, Congressman Joe Wilson and Serena Williams are recent high-profile examples of celebrities using poor judgment followed by an expression of contrition toward those they caused harm. This is not surprising, as most people have been conditioned from a very young age to say, "I'm sorry," when they do something wrong.

So often, we parents witness our child doing something wrong such as hitting a sibling, taking away a toy, talking back, yelling or hitting. A very common response is to demand the child say he or she is sorry to the other person. While this is a good starting point, remember "sorry" is just a word. As we know in life, actions speak louder than words. If we want to help our children develop empathy and better social skills, there are some additional steps I suggest.

I typically approach a child by asking him whether there is something he would like to say. If he is not ready to apologize, I would not force him to right away. Instead, give him a few minutes to cool down the emotion. Younger children may often not understand the concept of showing remorse, so we may need to model for them. "We say we are sorry after we hurt somebody else with our hands," or "Your sister looks sad because you took the toy away from her and we say sorry when we hurt people's feelings." For older kids, we can help them acknowledge they did something that hurt the relationship. An example may be, "I'm sorry I made you feel bad when I didn't give you a turn." This is teaching the first part of being sorry, which is admitting to our wrong.

One of the ways we can show children ways to be truly responsible for their actions is to teach them to make amends. If they broke something, they should somehow fix it or get help in doing this. I also recommend helping kids learn to not only say what they are sorry for, but to do something above and beyond just fixing the situation. This could come in the form of a hug or handshake, sharing a part of their lunch, drawing a picture, writing a letter, doing a chore, cleaning up a sibling's toys or room, etc. If the child seems ready, you could have her propose some ideas.

On the other side of this is helping kids to learn forgiveness. We need to talk to kids about how to accept an apology and that people make mistakes. One of my favorite expressions I use with kids is, "Every pencil has an eraser," meaning the very smart people who invented pencils know we are not perfect.

Don't forget that some of the best ways children learn is through modeling and positive reinforcement. If a child sees her parents arguing, she should also see them apologizing. A spouse bringing home flowers or going out of her way to do something nice are just two examples. When we do see children beginning to take positive steps in showing contrition, be sure to positively reinforce their behavior. A statement such as, "I noticed you really tried hard to make your sister feel better after you pushed her" would be just one example.

Giving kids an opportunity to own up to their mistakes and take steps in healing makes for improved relationships for our children and better moral development.

Category: Behavior

Rewards have their place, but teaching kids to do right thing is best

The other day a parent asked me if she was doing long-term harm to her children by repeatedly "bribing" them with rewards to get them to go to bed. While my initial response was to examine bedtime routines, the larger question she was asking had to do with the use of rewards to motivate behavior.

As most parents will attest, using rewards is often an effective way to get a child to do something. "If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert" and "if you complete your homework without arguing, you can get extra time on your game system" are just two of the countless examples. This is not inconsistent with how we operate in the professional world. When we work, we get paid with monetary rewards. In fact, when the boss wants us to work harder he may offer a productivity bonus. These are all examples of external rewards.

While external rewards can be a helpful way to motivate behavior, we need to be very careful in how we use them. Most parents I know want to raise children who do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. When we start using external rewards for behavior too often, kids perform for the sake of the reward. The rewards may become less reinforcing, often because they continually get them or they get bored, they don't work as well or the child might appear to be very entitled. Parents are forced to come up with new and sometimes more involved or expensive rewards to keep the child focused. The child often learns he can negotiate for more to perform the desired behavior. Before long, the parents may have additional headaches on their hands.

If you are using very limited rewards, the understandable question I then get is, what else can we do to get our children to cooperate? I'm a fan of utilizing collaborative problem solving in which you continuously pro-actively problem solve with the child the challenges that are leading to noncompliant or unmotivated behavior. Making statements to the child that she should be proud of herself for a particular behavior can also help. Some great approaches to teaching kids through more natural and logical consequences can be found in the Love and Logic parenting program.

I believe external rewards can be healthy if used in a specific and time-limited way. Many people need that "carrot" dangled in front of them to give them an extra push. If you do use a reward system, make sure you define the specific behavior and figure out if the child can realistically meet the goal. For example, if a child has not been able to sit still for more than 10 minutes to do homework, the goal might be 15 minutes of homework for a reward. However, you would not want to start with a goal of five nights of homework for 30 minutes each. If the goal is not obtainable for the child, you will create more frustration for all parties. Make the reward easier to obtain at first and then slowly make it more challenging.

I would also explain to the child why his behavior is expected of him and the reward is just a small way to help get him started and will be eventually phased out. The rewards can be anything from a star on a chart to some toys from the dollar store. One idea is to make or buy a variety of prizes and put them in paper bags. The child can choose the mystery prize from a treasure chest when he reaches his goal.

Rewards have their place in parenting and life. If we are mindful as to how we use them with children, they don't have to be harmful. However, teaching children to do things because it's what is right can have a more positive lasting impact on their development.

Category: Behavior

Kids will do well if they can - we just need to help them get there

Helping a child become an active part in solving his or her own problems is one of the most successful methods of behavioral therapy I've used, thanks in part to Harvard professor and child psychologist Dr. Ross Greene.

I recently returned from a trip to Portland, Maine, where I spent three days training Dr. Greene, whose first book, Explosive Child, came out in 1998 and had a profound impact on how I view children with behavioral challenges. Dr. Greene's main belief regarding children is that, "kids will do well if they can." If a child is having challenges, our job as parents, teachers, caretakers, psychologists and others, along with the child, is to figure out what might be getting in the way. Often, the challenge is rooted in a thinking skill that the child maybe lacking or is underdeveloped.

Dr. Greene's approach, called Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS), has been evolving over the past 12 or so years. His model suggests there are three main ways adults can handle childhood challenges. "Plan A" is the classic, "my way or the highway approach." This would include rewards and consequences, timeouts, spanking and other means to get a child to comply. The biggest challenge with this approach is that children are not taught any skills other than to be compliant. For kids with more severe behavioral challenges, a "Plan A" approach leads to bigger meltdowns and noncompliant behavior.

"Plan C" is where we let go of our expectations of the child, which should remove stressors that contribute to behavioral challenge. For example, if the child is constantly fighting over cleaning his room, we might put this as a "Plan C" if we have more important issues to address. The central piece of the approach is what he calls "Proactive B" in which the adult engages the child in a process of problem solving. The adult works to help the child identify their specific concern followed by putting the adult's concern on the table. The parent and child then work together to identify mutually acceptable and realistic solutions. Dr. Greene's theory is that engaging the child in this process indirectly helps the child develop skills he is lacking. Further, the process helps strengthen the parent/child relationship by allowing the child to experience the adult as supportive vs. being adversarial.

While I've been utilizing Dr. Greene's approach for the past 11 years, I have seen firsthand the empathy that can be built in parents and teachers when they adopt the "kids will do well if they can" belief and an understanding of underdeveloped skills. I've also found great success in helping the children become an active part in solving their own problems.

One of the exciting parts of learning from Dr. Greene was to hear about the impact his CPS model is having. For example, the Juvenile Justice System in Maine has seen the recidivism rate fall from more than 60 percent to 12 percent. As a strong proponent of using evidenced based treatments, I learned first hand how much his ideas have assisted in helping parents, teachers and children over the years.

Last year, Dr. Greene released his third book, Lost At School. This well-conceived book provides the most up-to-date description of CPS and how to implement it in schools. I believe it should be required reading for any educator who deals with children with behavioral challenges. The book offers great examples of real-life situations that a child with behavioral challenges faces along with ideas on how to implement strategies. The book is also very helpful for parents.

Dr. Greene has two very good Web sites, LostatSchool.org and Explosive Child.com. His books are easy to understand and offer a much more detailed understanding that I can provide in a blog post. If you check out his books or Web sites, let me know what you think.

Category: Behavior

Combatting bad language takes role modeling, penalty/reward plan

Here's a conversation I have with parents in my office all too often: "Dr. Dan, I need you to work on the use of inappropriate language with my child." I respond by asking, "What kind of language is used in your household?" More times than not, the answer I receive is, "I know my husband and I use too much profanity around the house, but I don't think kids should swear."

The thought that typically crosses my mind is that the parent is expecting a child with less impulse control and filters to show more restraint than an adult who in theory should have better controls. Of course, my job is not to judge people but to help facilitate change.

The unfortunate reality is that kids are going to hear profanity at school, with friends, in music, on television, at the mall and in other public places. As much as we want to, we cannot stop this exposure. However, we can talk with our children about what is acceptable and - more importantly - model for our children appropriate ways to express our feelings. Ultimately, we need to help kids learn how to think for themselves.

There are several reasons why people use profanity. For some kids, they are exposed to it by others and choose to use inappropriate words for shock value. Other kids might use profanity as a way to find language to match an intense emotion they are experiencing. In these cases, we need to work with kids to find alternative ways to express how they feel. For example, practice with the child a way to express a feeling such as "I'm really frustrated" with a lot of emotion. Or we can model for a child how to step out of a situation or take some deep breaths.

If the child seems to be using the language more for shock value, have some discussions as to what is acceptable. Be mindful of the types of music, video games and television shows your child might be watching. Consequences may be appropriate if the language continues, but I believe having problem-solving conversations with the child is often more effective.

Is some cases, I have used a behavioral modification strategy called a response cost. For example, you can take a certain amount of money such as quarters and put them in a jar. Every time the child uses inappropriate language remove a quarter from the jar. At the end of the week, the money that remains belongs to the child. The rest might go to a charity. If the problem is more serious, the money that originates in the jar maybe a portion of the child's allowance. If the problem is a family issue, each person (including the parents) can have a jar or you can do a joint jar.

You can come up with other appropriate response cost methods with your child. Just make sure to state the cost for specific misbehavior before it occurs, ensure the pentalty is paid whenever the misbehavior occurs and don't change the rules. Combining this with a reward and/or praise will help strengthen desired behaviors.

Category: Behavior

Make sure praise balances criticism for solid self-confidence

What's your child's praise-to-criticism ratio?

This simple ratio can have dramatic effects on children. Think about it like this: Over the course of a typical day, how much praise does your child receive vs. criticism? This includes everybody your child comes into contact with.

If you added up every single instance of praise and every instance of criticism, what would the numbers be? Equally important, what would the ratio be? Now add this up, week-by-week, month-by-month, and year-by-year.

What's the ratio supposed to be? I don't know exactly. Ideally you want praise to exceed criticism by a large margin. We are talking genuine praise here, not fake, insincere praise. Children know the difference. Some suggest a ratio of 10:1 because each criticism is so powerful to the child; it requires 10 praises to neutralize.

The best way to praise follows common sense. Do it sooner rather than later. Praise a behavior while it is happening or shortly after. Sure you can wait, but the longer you wait, the less power it has. Be specific in your praise. General praise feels good, but doesn't give specific enough feedback to your child to reinforce the behaviors you want reinforced. Give praise all by itself, not tied to a condition or a complaint. For example, "I love how you cleaned up the playroom just now" is sufficient. Tied to a complaint it loses its power, for instance, "I love how you cleaned up the playroom just now, but it would be nice if you did it every time I asked." Those "buts" can be killers.

How would this feel for you? Suppose you are on the job and your boss hits you with two praises for every criticism. Would you like it? Would you keep your job? What about if it was flipped around so that for every praise you received, it was counteracted by two criticisms?

Of course, criticism serves an important function. This is feedback from the world on our behaviors. Without feedback we don't improve. Without feedback we feel everything we do is OK with the world. Feedback allows us to constantly monitor and shape our behavior.

When delivering criticism, or feedback, it is best to make it as immediate as possible and about a specific behavior, rather than about the child. We want to give feedback and guidance to children without tearing down their inner confidence. Better to say something like, "smacking the cat is a no-no" rather than "you are being a bad boy." Depending on the age of your child, asking them to repeat what you said and maybe even having a quick discussion about the incident helps cement the feedback for your child.

Praise is a critical component of self-confidence. Dr. Dan Klein discussed this in his May 20 post on how to raise a confident child.

Every one of us, young or old, likes to hear praise. We all like to hear good things about ourselves.

-- Dr. Jeffrey Betman is a licensed psychologist providing therapy and consultation to children, adolescents and adults through his practice, Psychological Solutions Center in Farmington Hills.

Category: Behavior

Help child cope with anger, frustration

I'm often asked if my practice offers classes for children on anger management. While I don't teach a formal course on "fundamentals of anger management," or "20th century history of anger management techniques," there are many strategies and approaches that parents and children can work on.

I typically begin by getting a good history and identify the problems. For some children, negative life experiences or emotional challenges can be at the core of angry moods or behavior. Sometimes the issues might require the help of a professional therapist. If the issues are going on longer than six months or the intensity or frequency of the behavior is causing major disruption, a professional consultation can be important. For most other children, their coping or social skills maybe less developed, leading to frustration or angry outbursts. Here are some tips and strategies on helping work with your child on his ability to successfully cope with anger and frustration:

Be mindful of your reactions. How we as parents and caregivers respond to a frustrated child can often set the stage for a bigger blowup or defusing the child. As I have written in many of my blog posts, I am a strong believer in the use of empathy to help bring calm to a situation and set the stage for better communication. Also, modeling positive coping skills can go a long way in helping children learn what they should do.

Work with the child on identifying the people, places and things that may trigger anger or frustration. When I ask questions such as these, I often hear response like, "My brother makes me so mad" or "I get mad when I am told what to do." Try to get specific with the child and work with the child (out of the moment) on what mutually agreeable solutions can help address the concerns. Be sure to listen to what the child says first.

Work with the child to identify physiological cues (otherwise known as cues) they experience when they are becoming really angry. Some examples might include breathing heavier, muscles tensing up and skin becoming red. I often refer to the cues as our body's "smoke detector" that is going off and warning us of a possible problem. As we might do when we hear a real smoke detector, we survey the scene and determine if we need to get help and/or get out.

Help the child develop ways of expressing his feelings. Some children will need help labeling their feelings such as "mad," "angry," or "frustrated." Other's might need to be encouraged to look for help with phrases like, "I'm having a tough time."

Work with the child on developing tools to handle frustration or anger when they first experience it. Techniques can include deep breathing, counting to 10 forward and backward, squeezing a stress ball, scribbling on a piece of paper and tearing it up, writing in a journal, visualizing a relaxing place and developing a scrip of words that one can read to calm down. In my experience, these strategies work much better as the anger is beginning to brew than it the midst of a tantrum or heated argument.

Praise good coping skills when you notice them. We all like to hear positive feedback on our behavior and children are no different. Praise can also be crucial in shaping children's behavior.

Category: Behavior

There's always a reason behind acting out

A letter from a reader: Dear Dr. Klein, I am concerned about my 6 year old. Whenever he is told "no" or doesn't get his way he responds by asking to run away, asking me to hurt him, or actually running out the door or doing something mildly painful to himself. At first I thought his behavior was purely manipulative, but it occurs so frequently that I am concerned he may have some real problems. Even during happy times he often comments "no one likes me", "no one wants to play with me", "you love brother more than me," etc. How can I know if he needs evaluation/treatment or if he is trying to get some reaction out of me?

Thanks you for your e-mail. I subscribe to a simple yet powerful philosophy written by noted child psychologist, Dr. Ross Greene, that "kids will do well if they can." So, when a child is exhibiting emotional or behavioral problems, there is typically a reason behind it and likely an area that is not as developed or functional. Even if the child was trying to manipulate (and I'm not so sure your child is doing that), the question would be, what is behind the manipulation and how can we help him to do well and act in a more functional way?

Children act out for a great variety of reasons. Behavior challenges can be based in present or past circumstances, depressive feelings, anxiety, social issues, self esteem, skill deficits, self-esteem,and academic difficulties, just to name a few. Flexibility is a skill and when some children hear "no" they have trouble effectively coping with their frustration. Additionally, many of these children (and some adults, too) have not developed the skills necessary to express the intensity of what they are feeling. Therefore, we may see this intensity in their behavior or in the statements they make.

If a child is repeatedly making statement about wanting to hurt himself or to be hurt, a conversation with a professional is strongly recommended. A professional can help determine if a full evaluation or treatment is necessary. You could start with the child's pediatrician or go straight to a mental health professional such as a licensed psychologist or social worker. Typically, the therapist would meet with the parents first to get history and provide an initial consultation. In situations like this, my feeling is that getting more information and an outside opinion can only be helpful. If we don't really know what is going on with the child, how can we effectively address the problem? I'm also a believer in early intervention (when appropriate) before the child becomes more frustrated in his world. If you need a referral, the Michigan Psychological Association has a free referral service or feel free to e-mail me at my practice and I can provide some names in your area.

Category: Behavior

Plan for a successful family road trip

DVD players, iPods, PSPs, Gameboys and other electronic games. With today's gadgets, one would think kids should have no reason to fight in the car during a long road trip. When I was growing up, all we could do was count license plates, do Madlibs and look out the window for hours.

Fighting with a sibling seemed much more justified. My sister and I still joke about drawing the imaginary line in the back seat to mark our territory and challenge the other to dare put a finger on the other person's side. Today's kids don't know how good they have it.

The reality is, even with all the above mentioned options, children will still argue and can make for some difficult moments on a car trip. Given we are in the middle of summer, I thought I would share some ideas about how to increase your chance of better behavior on a road trip:

• Be proactive in planning for different situations on the trip. Discuss how long you plan to drive and how you expect the child to behave during the trip. Talk about what kind of things they can do if they start getting bored or tired.
• Create a menu of activities that contains a variety of choices of ways to keep busy in the car. The list can include books, magazines, electronics, word searches, road trip games and song books.
• Depending on the age of the child, you could give each child a map to follow or go online before the trip and print out pictures of various places you will be driving through.
• When the ride starts to feel long, give a lot of empathy to the children and praise for positive behavior. If the car size is adequate, switch seats and have a parent spend some time in backseat with the children.
• Make sure you take enough breaks for the kids to get out some of their energy. Bringing items such as a soccer ball or Frisbee won't take up much room and can help at a rest stop.
• As I discussed last month on sibling rivalry, much of the conflict has to do with parental attention. When the kids are starting to get bored, negative attention-seeking behavior is an easy way to liven up things. Try not to take sides and put expectations on all of the children to work out a solution.
• Before leaving for the trip, have the kids come up with their own consequences for misbehavior in various situations, put it in writing and have everybody sign it. For example, what should happen for too much whining or fighting?
• Don't make empty threats. Plan to follow through on any stated consequences.
• If things get really bad, you can always pull the car over for a time out.
• Finally, make sure you pack plenty of patience.