Ask the Child Psychologist

Category: Behavior

You're right, it's not always fair

"It's not fair. He gets to stay up until 9 and I have to go to bed now."

"It's not fair, I have to do homework and she gets to go to play."

Ever have your child give you the "it's not fair" statement? Most parents have. I jokingly call the problem, "it's-not-fair-itis." Many parents tell me they treat their children "equally" or the "same." However, the reality is each child is different with their own unique needs and interests.

Our relationships with each of our children is going to be somewhat different. So, constantly striving to be equitable is going to be a losing, guilt-ridden waste of our energy. The good news for children is that parental love is limitless and there is plenty to go around for everyone in the family.

Younger children are developmentally egocentric, which means they often see the world as revolving around themselves. Truly fair in their eyes is to get the most possible attention from the adult. As they get older, the comparisons to their siblings may grow. They may challenge their parent about giving more attention or doing more for their sibling. If we engage with children, the issue will likely lead to more and more episodes of "it's-not-fair-itis."

How do we address this? By sending a message early on to our children that the real definition of "fair" is that everyone will get what they truly need. However, getting what you need may not always be exactly the same as a brother, sister or friend. In various situations or at different ages, each child will have his own needs. For example, "Your brother may need extra help practicing his spelling and you need a lot of time to be taken to your soccer game. I love doing both because I love both of you." Schoolchildren experience the idea of fair not meaning the same every day. They will see some of their schoolmates who require extra time from the teacher while others are able to work more independently. This may change from subject to subject, including areas like gym or art.

Once you have established the premise of "everyone getting what they truly need" as a norm in the family, I would move away from even acknowledging the "it's not fair" argument. Remind your child over and over again that you love her and you will always make certain she gets what she truly needs. Jim Fey, author of Love and Logic, will advise you to respond with something like, "nice try."

This doesn't mean we shouldn't be empathic when our child is frustrated about something like doing homework while his or her sibling is playing. We can respond by validating how they feel. For example, "I see how difficult this party is for you watching your brother get so many new toys. Let's talk about what you can do when you are feeling sad or frustrated." Children are going to feel emotions like jealousy and disappointment and they need opportunities like these to learn effective coping skills.

Having worked with families for many years, I believe most parents (and teachers) really do try hard to make certain their children get what they require. One of things parents need is some relief from the "it's-not-fair-itis." So, try the above tips and give yourself a break.