Ask the Child Psychologist

Category: Behavior

Set expectations, consequences and reward good behavior in public

Handling children's behavior in public places is often a topic that is brought up by parents in my office. "How can I get in and out of the store without my child badgering me about buying something?" and "How do I get my kid to cooperate when I need to do errands?" are just a few examples. There are several approaches a parent can take to encourage the positive behavior and minimize the challenges. Here are some ideas:

Set up the expectations for the child before going out. This includes giving children some advance warning (when possible) of where they will be going. Use good eye contact with the child, set up a few rules or expectations before you get in the car to leave and again when you arrive and before going into the store. Some examples might be, "You need to stay with me in the store" or "We are only buying things on our shopping list today." Each time, once the child has been given an expectation, have him repeat back to you. You can then show the child the shopping list and even give him jobs that might help you get done quicker. You should also tell the child what will happen if they misbehave.

In situations where you are all right with the child buying something, set a budget and parameters beforehand. For example, if you are going to a store with food, tell the child he can buy something up to a set amount. Also, be clear as to what types of treats are acceptable. You can also set an expectation that if the child badgers you about something more expensive, you will deduct a set amount off her budget for your troubles. Conversely (and on occasion), you can add a surprise bonus if the child has been cooperative, such as an extra dollar.

Be realistic when taking children to public places. We all know the feeling of being dragged somewhere we don't want to go. For some children, being confined to a table at a restaurant and needing to wait to be served can be difficult. Sometimes, children are tired after a long day at school or it's just getting to be that tough time of the day. I also realize parents have so many demands on them and often not enough time. My best suggestion is know your child and plan ahead when you can. If you think your child is going to have trouble, try to problem solve ways to keep her busy or decide how essential it is to bring the child.

Before I get into how to handle misbehavior, I want to stress the need to attend to good behavior. If the child is cooperating, take the time to point it out in a specific way, such as "I really appreciate how well you are helping Daddy find things in the store," or "Thank you for asking in a nice voice" are just two examples. One of the best ways to prevent misbehavior is to encourage the positive behavior you are looking for.

If a child is misbehaving in a public place, your options are more limited than at home. However, there are things you can do. You can establish a time out area when you set your expectations beforehand. This could be an area by the store's bathroom, a really boring store aisle for the child, stepping outside or a return to the car. If you are forced to leave due to negative behavior, the child may be expected to pay you back the time you lost by coming up with something he needs to do for you. Another option is carrying a marker and putting a slash mark on the child's hand for each minute he owes you for either a time out or work around the house. Whatever you decide, share with the child what will happen if they behave and misbehave.

Managing behavior in public places can also be challenging for parents because we feel that others maybe watching and judging us. Remember, most parents have dealt with this issue at one time and many parents will have empathy because they have been in your place. If not, put on a smile, take a deep breath and tell yourself you know what's best in managing your child.