Category: Behavior
Posted by Dr. Daniel Klein on Mon, Sep 28, 2009 at 4:19 PM'I'm sorry' isn't always enough - teach kids why
Kanye West, Congressman Joe Wilson and Serena Williams are recent high-profile examples of celebrities using poor judgment followed by an expression of contrition toward those they caused harm. This is not surprising, as most people have been conditioned from a very young age to say, "I'm sorry," when they do something wrong.
So often, we parents witness our child doing something wrong such as hitting a sibling, taking away a toy, talking back, yelling or hitting. A very common response is to demand the child say he or she is sorry to the other person. While this is a good starting point, remember "sorry" is just a word. As we know in life, actions speak louder than words. If we want to help our children develop empathy and better social skills, there are some additional steps I suggest.
I typically approach a child by asking him whether there is something he would like to say. If he is not ready to apologize, I would not force him to right away. Instead, give him a few minutes to cool down the emotion. Younger children may often not understand the concept of showing remorse, so we may need to model for them. "We say we are sorry after we hurt somebody else with our hands," or "Your sister looks sad because you took the toy away from her and we say sorry when we hurt people's feelings." For older kids, we can help them acknowledge they did something that hurt the relationship. An example may be, "I'm sorry I made you feel bad when I didn't give you a turn." This is teaching the first part of being sorry, which is admitting to our wrong.
One of the ways we can show children ways to be truly responsible for their actions is to teach them to make amends. If they broke something, they should somehow fix it or get help in doing this. I also recommend helping kids learn to not only say what they are sorry for, but to do something above and beyond just fixing the situation. This could come in the form of a hug or handshake, sharing a part of their lunch, drawing a picture, writing a letter, doing a chore, cleaning up a sibling's toys or room, etc. If the child seems ready, you could have her propose some ideas.
On the other side of this is helping kids to learn forgiveness. We need to talk to kids about how to accept an apology and that people make mistakes. One of my favorite expressions I use with kids is, "Every pencil has an eraser," meaning the very smart people who invented pencils know we are not perfect.
Don't forget that some of the best ways children learn is through modeling and positive reinforcement. If a child sees her parents arguing, she should also see them apologizing. A spouse bringing home flowers or going out of her way to do something nice are just two examples. When we do see children beginning to take positive steps in showing contrition, be sure to positively reinforce their behavior. A statement such as, "I noticed you really tried hard to make your sister feel better after you pushed her" would be just one example.
Giving kids an opportunity to own up to their mistakes and take steps in healing makes for improved relationships for our children and better moral development.
