Ask the Child Psychologist

Category: Behavior

Rewards have their place, but teaching kids to do right thing is best

The other day a parent asked me if she was doing long-term harm to her children by repeatedly "bribing" them with rewards to get them to go to bed. While my initial response was to examine bedtime routines, the larger question she was asking had to do with the use of rewards to motivate behavior.

As most parents will attest, using rewards is often an effective way to get a child to do something. "If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert" and "if you complete your homework without arguing, you can get extra time on your game system" are just two of the countless examples. This is not inconsistent with how we operate in the professional world. When we work, we get paid with monetary rewards. In fact, when the boss wants us to work harder he may offer a productivity bonus. These are all examples of external rewards.

While external rewards can be a helpful way to motivate behavior, we need to be very careful in how we use them. Most parents I know want to raise children who do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing. When we start using external rewards for behavior too often, kids perform for the sake of the reward. The rewards may become less reinforcing, often because they continually get them or they get bored, they don't work as well or the child might appear to be very entitled. Parents are forced to come up with new and sometimes more involved or expensive rewards to keep the child focused. The child often learns he can negotiate for more to perform the desired behavior. Before long, the parents may have additional headaches on their hands.

If you are using very limited rewards, the understandable question I then get is, what else can we do to get our children to cooperate? I'm a fan of utilizing collaborative problem solving in which you continuously pro-actively problem solve with the child the challenges that are leading to noncompliant or unmotivated behavior. Making statements to the child that she should be proud of herself for a particular behavior can also help. Some great approaches to teaching kids through more natural and logical consequences can be found in the Love and Logic parenting program.

I believe external rewards can be healthy if used in a specific and time-limited way. Many people need that "carrot" dangled in front of them to give them an extra push. If you do use a reward system, make sure you define the specific behavior and figure out if the child can realistically meet the goal. For example, if a child has not been able to sit still for more than 10 minutes to do homework, the goal might be 15 minutes of homework for a reward. However, you would not want to start with a goal of five nights of homework for 30 minutes each. If the goal is not obtainable for the child, you will create more frustration for all parties. Make the reward easier to obtain at first and then slowly make it more challenging.

I would also explain to the child why his behavior is expected of him and the reward is just a small way to help get him started and will be eventually phased out. The rewards can be anything from a star on a chart to some toys from the dollar store. One idea is to make or buy a variety of prizes and put them in paper bags. The child can choose the mystery prize from a treasure chest when he reaches his goal.

Rewards have their place in parenting and life. If we are mindful as to how we use them with children, they don't have to be harmful. However, teaching children to do things because it's what is right can have a more positive lasting impact on their development.